As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. The Goblin Gossip Network is out there, in the trenches, every day bringing you, the hardworking individuals of Sincadere the best and most reliable news you can hope for. Our latest series of interviews surrounds the leadership of the realms. Once again we are starting with the best, richest and most formidable faction (we were not paid to say that), Helheim. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. I took an assistant with me to the interview, though we both barely made it out alive. At the time of this publication there were four candidates running for seats on Helheim's Parliament. Read their stories below... find out who was accused of murder and who talks about getting off! Which candidate stole from the interviewers and who has plans to blend styles when re-upholstering their parliament seat! . . . Snetcharella settled into her seat, her feet dangling off the ground on the human-sized chair she'd been given. "Counter Isod, thank you so much for meeting with me. As Sincadere's ONLY reliable news source, GGN is excited to be meeting with you today. Please ignore my assistant, he's only here to record our conversation," she said of the very handsome assistant, no doubt picturing him naked and covered in various delicious foodstuffs... "So tell me, Counter Isod, are you as good at counting as Counter Brokil? It is a well documented fact that Greenskins are far better in all things than other races... do you feel intimidated by this?" Vykaldir sat calmly, almost placid as he watched the comparatively hyperactive and chaotic goblins. His voice remained devoid of emotion or expression as he listened to the question, a brow perking ever so slightly the only gesture seen. He considered the question for a moment before responding, his voice confident and paced carefully, a man thinking three words ahead, it would seem. "I assure you, Goblin intelligence, leading among greenskin, is well known across all of Sincadere. My own education, by comparison, shall be no threat to your good reputation I promise. I was tutored at a young age. Mathematics, history, foreign languages, business management and the whatnot. But I am sure it was a massive waste of my time compared to the learning you've done in your life." Snetcharella was really smart, and beautiful too, so her assistant thought anyway. She took the compliments, well deserved as they were, and beamed at Vykaldir. "Now don't be too hard on yourself," she demurred graciously, "not everyone can have access to Goblin ingenuity. But you have a far more insidious skill we should talk about... like, how come there are no other candidates for Upper Helheim? I HEARD, from reliable sources mind you, that you had all your potential competition MURDERED. The rash of Werewolf attacks in Helheim? all orchestrated by you as a cover up for the missing citizens who might have run for parliament." It didn't seem to matter that no one knew an election was coming until just the other day, well after the werewolf attacks, Snetcharella must have detected a much broader and insidious plot that was invisible to those far less intelligent. Vykaldir actually chuckled at that. "I can assure you, as far as the Guard is aware, the werewolf attacks have resulted in no casualties. Further, I am no werewolf as is plainly known, and controlling such creatures is a truly difficult prospect." He paused for a breath before continuing. "I think the only reason I am the only candidate at this time, is because it is still so early in the race. I've been thinking on running for the past few months now in truth, and preparing, so my mind was made up when the election was called. Others who might be eligible for the seat, simply haven't chosen to run as yet or at least haven't decided if they have the time to invest in such massive work. In the announcement I sent out about my candidacy, I invited other candidates for the seat to engage in public debate with me, and I meant that. I truly hope that if I am elected, it is a good and fair election where the best candidate has won, and not simply because I was the only candidate." Snetcharella made a note, uselessly since her assistant was capturing the entire affair, and eyed Vykaldir as she did so. "Uh.. HUH," she said, regarding his statement, "is that what we're calling murder these days? 'Preparing' for months?" Getting agitated she climbed onto her seat and pointed her superfluous pencil at him, shouting, "TELL ME THE TRUTH, COUNTER! You invited others to debate you KNOWING THERE WAS NO ONE TO DEBATE! I would also like to take the time to point out your rapid ascent in the ranks of the Helheim Guard. It was just," she checks her notes while resuming her seat, "7 days ago, that you joined the guard... according to my VERY RELIABLE sources and you're already the Gorgun? What's up with that?" Vykaldir shifted slightly, lifting a glass of water to sip at it for a moment before setting it down. Of course he used the chance to think a little on his response before speaking. "When I say preparing, I mean reaching a decision on if I have the ability, time, and energy to invest in serving Helheim from a seat in Parliament. The work is not something to take lightly. When I issued by invitation to debate, it was in the hopes of inspiring others to run, in the hopes of giving the people a choice, and a chance to see their candidates do more than make speeches." He considered her questioning about his guard history, chuckling a little. "Actually. I enlisted in the Helheim Guard back at the end of November, very early December. Around the time of the last elections. But I had only just arrived in the city, a humble guard without noble title, or rank. I had served as a village Guard for thirty years before, in villages on the outskirts of Helheims territories. My rise in ranks here in the city has been due to my ability to serve, and to oversee the Royal Guard, as witnessed by the Field Marshal, the King of Helheim, and even the current members of Parliament, and their decisions about my promotion are not something I have any control over. It was Parliament that approved my promotion to Colonel, and it actually came as a surprise to myself and the Field Marshal. While we had expected such a move, we envisioned it being long in the future, as she took more of Helheims Navy under her command and I assumed command over day to day activities of the Guardsmen." "In all truth, when I came to Helheim, I had intended to rise to Sergeant and serve for a time. A humble ambition. And I had planned to retire from Sergeant to develop my House and pursue politics. Helheim needed my plans to change, to grow, and they have. I hope to be able to prove to people during my campaign that I am able to rise to the needs of Helheim, as I've proven to my superiors in the Guard, to the King, and to Parliament time and time again." Snetcharella still did not look convinced, but her assistant sure did... if the assistant could vote, he would totally vote for Vykaldir! "I see that your skills of dissembling are masterful, Counter Isod, but I remain unconvinced of your sincerity! I have a nose for trouble," indeed she did, a very generous nose that was set in her beautiful face, "and you, sir, reek of it!" The dashing assistant had never seen Snetcharella in such a state and concerned for her overtaxed heart he stepped in to say, "I believe what veteran reporter Snetcharella is trying to say is that despite not having any competition you may still find your work cut out for you, sir... and at this time I believe the interview is over." Snetcharella rest in her chair, drenched in sweat and limp from all the energy exerted... she looked like she'd just pulled a cord and had a bucket of water dumped on her lithe form. She gave no protest to ending the interview and allowed herself to be escorted from the room. Vykaldir openly chuckled as the pair of goblins spoke in turn. "If i may add but one thing to the interview, or at least your own curiosity, is that yes, I reek of trouble. I am a Guard. My job has been to wade knee deep into the filthiest of messes. To throw myself before the biggest of threats. To get dirty so Helheim may stay clean. To bleed, so Helheim may remain unharmed. To risk myself, so Helheim may stand strong. Yes, I reek of trouble. Because as a Guard, my world is to prevent trouble. And I for one hope I have my work cut out for me. If it were easy work, I woudlnt have considered putting my name in for consideration. I would like to thank you for the interview, and the GGN. I have taken great pleasure in reading your articles and look forward to seeing what you write." OF course he'd make no move to stop them from departing after that. . . . Snetcharella was run ragged by all these Helheim interviews and yet still somehow managed to appear as impeccably dressed as Aigie of the CCOA, or at least that's what her dashing assistant felt. "Minister Ked'Sena, I'm so grateful you are willing to meet with Sincadere's PREMIER news source, the GGN, you can rely on me to make sure your story is told with the highest regard to integrity possible." She paused for dramatic effect and continued, "now, as Helheim's reigning Greater Minister you must have a lot of thoughts about your running mate, the notorious and much beloved Squat the Goblin. How are you handling feeling shaken the core by being up against such a prestigious name? Are you concerned about your chances of winning the race?" Ked’Sena smiled warmly as she watched and listened to her interviewer speak. Brightly she smiled and responded. “I had the fortune of meeting Teef Squat and we shared a wonderful conversation. As a fellow member of the tribe, I feel we bonded rather well. In true Tusk’s tradition, it is good Mog to compete. The strongest and truest ideals can only be forged and tested through competitiveness…as for concerns about my chances… I have no concerns that the people of this nation will vote for whomever best reflects their aspirations and concerns.” Snetcharella clearly wasn't expecting that kind of response so she was quiet for a little bit, pretending to check notes that were completely unnecessary because her assistant was standing RIGHT THERE. "I see," she stated flatly before clearing her throat. "Very well, Minister Ked'Sena, what can you tell me about the rumours that if you are elected you will be forcing all of your constituents to adhere to the tenants of Mog?" She stopped as her dashing assistant leaned in to whisper something to her. "What? Oh crap... I mean that you'll be forcing all of your constituents to adhere to the Axiom of the Basilica?" Whispering back to her assistant she added, "good catch, thanks." Ked’Sena listened and observed as a faint smile appeared at the corners of her lips. Shaking her head slowly. “Though the teaching of Mog as well as the teaching of the Basilica do sing from the same place of heart on many things. A district minister’s job is to embody the will and the voice of their constituents. It is also to put great resistance from anything outside of that from skewing that elected minister away from reflecting their people the represent digeliantly. I take that responsibility very much true to my heart and everyday I get the continued opportunity to be Greater Helheim’s elected minister… is an honor.” Snetcharella listened with grudging respect that she tried to disguise behind a passive aggressive smirk. "I see, I see... well, one final question, Minister Ked'Sena... if you are elected again... will you be re-upholstering your seat? and if so, will you be buying that fabric from the local tailor or outsourcing to another realm for something a bit more unique?" Ked’Sena pleasantly did not expect that question but continued her smile as she thought it over. “Sadly I do not have an official seat as Parliament meets in the castle and the decor is up to the crown. If I did have a seat fashioned…I think a combination of things. Molly, the local tailor in Greater Helheim has a wonderful selection of fabrics and designs..yet I personally like the style and craftsmanship of Tusk’s hide workers. So if I ever did get the opportunity..I think I would like to see what a blending of cultures and styles might produce…Maybe something new and beautiful.” Snetcharella snaps closed her book (where did that come from?) and stood up. "Well.. thank you again for your time, Minister Ked'Sena," she said pleasantly enough, though by her tone she might as well have been saying 'I got my eye on you' instead. . . . Snetcharella had prepared a feast for this interview, even permitting her handsome assistant to partake before welcoming Helheim's latest candidate to the Parliamentary election. "Ah, Squat, so nice to see you. How are your people? Thank you for meeting with the Goblin Gossip Network, we're very excited to tell your story. Now, I'm not going to hold back just because you're a goblin, you can expect all the hard hitting questions coming at you rapid fire so brace yourself!" She paused for a moment after her warning and then rapidly fired those hard hitting questions. "Do you prefer red or blue meat beetles? What is your favourite type of mud soak? and what is your best selling item?" Squat faces Snetcharella with a straight face, setting her pack down and swallowing three eggs back to back while she rattles off her warnings. "Wotchya, Snetcharella, goodly gobbie questions do the hardzest of hittzin'! Tusks bees fresh from bath day, yes yes, all sparkly and shiny green, as is goodly, yes yes!" She cheers enthusiastically and grabs onto the edges of the table, bracing herself, grinning nearly ear to ear to have another goblin in front of her who is not under constant threat of a whip. "Red goes faster, it bees known! River flood silt in rain season, best sellzin' item bees stories, loses nothzing in the tellzin' all profit all time, yes yes!" She answers in one breath, returning fire with "It bees so goodly to be hazzin' you's in camp, Primals bless the Goblin Gossip Network, who knows where we'd be without the knowzin' that Hen'butt bees proud of him's butt?" Snetcharella nods sagely, "mhm, mhm, all great answers, Candidate Squat and I expected nothing less from a goblin of your renown. Tell me, do you feel a sense of pity for your opponent for the Greater Helheim seat? When you win, how will you handle it? What our readers want to know is... will you murder and eat her so she doesn't have to live with the shame of her loss? or will you allow her to live and then tell stories of her defeat to emphasize for her that you are the bigger person... proverbially speaking if not literally speaking." Squat takes a moment to breathe between questions, her nostrils flaring as she just about inhales a mushroom from its roasting spike. "Squat does the feelzin' of no pity, is goodly choosytimes, so goodlyfolks make choice. We's seven and ten suns from doin' the knowzin' who bees the winner at time of speakzin', so all Squat can do bees givzin' out hamphlets and doin' the goodlytalkzin' to goodlyfolks of Helheim. If Squat does the winnzin' Squat will do the askzin' of Dubok to hold Squat up, so Squat can do the lookzin' down for once, yes yes! Squat bees muchlybad at murder, but muchly good at ropes. Squat does the leavzin' of notspeak up to you's!" Snetcharella once again nods sagely as if she's speaking to the wisest person on all of Sincadere. "Well, I'll admit, Candidate Squat, there's very little else I need to ask you about, it is clear to me that you are a shoo-in for winning this election and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that you are a Goblin and that we are all Goblins. Is there anything else you want your fans to know about?" "Yes yes, always is. Goodly Goblins, much walkzin' did the doin' to get to where here bees. Heavy packs and goodly stuffs goes on back! Do the makzin' of jinglyshiny coins always!" She says. "With jinglyshiny coins do the buyzin' of a whip, where there is whip, there is way!" Squat burst into a marching song from the olden days where Orcs went to war and there is an eerily empty spot where most of the tablewares used to be as Squat straps her pack back onto her back. "Oh yes, do the eatzin' of hamphlet, is waste to just do the readzin'." She finishes, slamming one of the fragrant slabs of meat onto the table, her programme crudely carved into it. "Do be awaitzin' next week's progrHAMme! More politzical promiszin's to come!" Snetcharella applauded the pageantry of it all, gasping in delight when she realized she'd been robbed of her table utensils by the merchant. "Brava, brava," she cried out, standing as she continued to applaud. "Your people need you, Candidate Squat. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I look forward to your long and victorious reign as Greater Helheim's Primal Minister!" Squat cheers along with Snetcharella and finishes the interview with a big hug to both her and her assistant. "And Squat needs all you's goodlyfolks, yes yes! Squat may be smallest, but as Hok'Minister even Squat can do the beezin' of big! As always, Squat bees lookzin' forward to the goodlyworks of the Goblin Gossip Network. If'n Squat wins, we's doin' the breakzin' out of the Troita Tea and you's is invitzed!" And on cheerful note they part, each party to the interview having the biggest shit eating grin on their faces. . . . Snetcharella adjusted the pile of hair on her head, reminiscent of a beehive. She was quite pleased with her new reporter look and it reflected in her demeanor and bearing. "So... Baroness Nimue, first let me say thank you for agreeing to meet with GGN today, we are Sincadere's most reliable news source and so I can assure you that your story will be told with the utmost integrity and... uh.. also uhm... that other thing." Clearing her throat she continued, "now... you're running for the newly created Broader Helheim seat, correct? Tell me, is it difficult to run while carrying a chair? and do you do this in your unicorn form or a bipedal form? I imagine hooves make it difficult to carry things?"
Settled into a chair neatly folding her hands over one another in her lap gaze settling onto Snetcharella's hairdo as it reminded her of something she had seen in the forest yet couldn't quite place a finger on it. "Oh.. Yes thank you for taking the time to come visit, I'm flattered you find seeking a news article with me." She'd flatter while trying to pull her gaze away from the beehive do yet found it a struggled effort to finally meet the goblin's eyes. Listening to the first query the longer Snetcharella spoke the further Nimue's jaw dropped dumbfounded... the fuck was this story she was writing!? "Uhm... Chairs are easily lifted with my disguise as it provides me hands and arms to work with... In my unicorn form it's a tad bit trickier, I tend to have to lower my head an do... like this..." She'd gesture by jerking her head down an then thrusting it upwards as she explained." And catch the armrest on my horn to pick it up an move it... It's pretty easy... It's the getting it off that's the difficult part...Hooves do indeed make it tricky so other measures are needed to be taken." Snetcharella nodded as she listened, seeming very engrossed in everything the unicorn had to say, right up until Nimue mentioned getting it off. "Please, please! Baroness, this is a family friendly news source.... but uh, I will be back later, off the record, to hear more about you getting off." Brushing some wispy bits of hair from her face she then fanned herself with her hand before continuing. "Now, what can you tell me about your campaign? Have you consulted with many furniture makers about what your seat will look like should you win?" Blinked once an then twice as she listened to the goblin lass as she scolded the unicorn not having realized her words could have been taken out of context." Ah... that's!..." She'd pause as a light hue of pink stained her cheeks with embarrassment."...That's not what I had intended to imply Snetcharella." She'd clear her throat to parlay a moment to collect herself an move on to the next topic, surely it was better than carrying chairs! "Uh... I can confirm exclusively for the GGN I have not spoken with a single carpenter nor seamstress about a construction of a chair.. although if I had to put thought into it, it would need to be a very /sturdy/ chair." She'd trail on with a slight smirk at the little inside joke regarding rumors of her weight." My campaign however is to help strengthen the wilds, the forests since the mountain uprooted itself has found the local wildlife has fled leaving game hunters an trappers light handed if not empty... this does not bode well for citizens of Helheim nor the black tusks. A thriving, healthy ecosystem is needed to keep all of us well fed perish the thought of mandating rations or even starvation if the land withers unable to sustain us...Furthermore our borders need strengthening, It is no secret many citizens have fallen prey to those that wish us harm... Bandits, rogues, those cave dwellers that seek nefarious ends... Both Helheim and the Black tusks should know the roads are safe! "She'd finish off with a well placed balled up fist thumping lightly off the table beside her chair. As anyone who was anyone knew, the lifespan of a GGN reporter was pretty short. So while Snetcharella was right there with Nimue from start to finish, she literally shrieked at the light fist thump on the table. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES," she screamed, her assistant taking the time to wave apologetically as he too followed. "Sorry, she's a bit... sensit-" he tried to answer, only for Snetcharella to shriek from the distance, "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!" As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. It is with a heavy heart that the GGN reports the loss of another reporter. Snetchalina, who took over when Snetch Jr was brutally murdered by... someone... has been murdered by none other than the Jade Lotus Empire's former Empress. A woman who claims to be a gentle soul who would never hurt a fly. You heard it here first, friends, Tsuiteru has been feeding POISON COOKIES to the GGN goblins. Was she working alone or for a nefarious, unnamed, tyrant from the Cabbala that is out to get the GGN? In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by the assistant! . . . Snetchalina had cleaned up after the bloody battle - an impromptu Meatgrindah amongst Goblin reporters of the GGN to determine who would have the right to interview Tsuiteru, the former Empress of the Jade Lotus Emprire. Tsuiteru always put out cookies, it was known. Now, with her trusty secretary beside her, she was ready for the interview. She adjusted her pencil skirt and pulled a quill from the hair piled on top of her head and nodded to the individual who would announce her to the former Empress.
"Announcing, Snetchalina of the GGN," announced the announcer while Snetchalina's secretary considered investing in a thesaurus. Snetchalina stepped into the room and looked around, trying not to appear overwhelmed at what she saw. Tsuiteru had been more than delighted to indulge the goblins in their request for an interview. Certainly it couldn't be worse than the time she'd let the Imperial Herald corner her into an interview. She had spent all morning preparing, fully expecting a swarm of the small greenskins to appear at her doorstep, so had all sorts of goodies ready. It wouldn't be the first time she'd fed a lot of goblin bellies! As often as she threatened to chase them out of her yard, she was also always leaving out trays of cookies in her windowsill for them to 'steal'. Though woe to the few the dragon did manage to lure into her house, for those were aggressively grand-mothered into eating a proper meal ...and ... a bath. But, when she opened her door to see only two goblins, her eyes widened in surprise. She even poked her head outside of her door to make sure there weren't more of them hiding in the shrubs. The old dragon looked Snetchalina up and down, smiling kindly and reaching down to pinch the goblin's cheek. "Well. Aren't you adorable. Come, come, make yourself comfortable. Are you and your assistant hungry? I.. may have gone a little overboard with the food." Snetchalina endured the cheek pinching and didn't comment on the obvious surprise from the former Empress. The assistant, another beautiful goblin woman in a well fitted pencil skirt, spoke up on her own behalf despite it being quite out of the ordinary. "Very much, Miss Empress Dragon," she told the former Empress and then pushed her way in, shoving a few handfuls of nibbles and tasties into her mouth so she could have her hand free to write again. Snetchalina was only a step behind, doing much the same, cleaning off an entire plate of little eggs wrapped in some fancy, and tasty leaf, rudely not leaving any for her assistant. Next she moved on to a plate of cookies, only half way through she began to gag. Grasping at her throat, Snetchalina's mouth dropped open, half chewed food dropping out of her mouth while she ran between her assistant and the former Empress. She was clearly in distress but her assistant was too busy recording events to actually intervene. The dragon happily ushered them into the cottage, giving each goblin a motherly little pat on the head. Though she did tsk faintly when they both went to gobbling down food as fast as possible. "Whoah.. slow down. Chew. You're gonna.." And, it happened. She gasped and began chasing Snetchalina around the small room, reaching to grasp the reporter by the back of her shirt. "Oh goodness.." The dragon rumbled, smacking the goblin on the back, over, and over, and over again. "Come on.. spit it out. Spit it out." And this is exactly why she was always trying to drill some etiquette into every gobbo that visited! Snetchalina managed to keep just out of reach of the luck dragon for nearly a solid minute while her secretary recorded the ghastly escapades. As the lack of air made the reporter slow, Tsuiteru was able to catch up and begin pounding her on the back, but it was too late. The life drained out of the little goblins eyes and she collapsed to the floor. There was an almost comical stillness in the room as both the secretary and the former Empress stared in shock. Finally, the dashing secretary spoke up, "well... I suppose this means I must interview you. Just call me Snetcharella." Tsuiteru held onto the body of Snetchalina, looking horrified. How could this have happened? Why weren't the goblins being taught basic etiquette.. like chewing slowly, one small bite at a time? And now... what was she going to do?! Well, first, she knelt down, still cradling the goblin's body in one arm, and dragging her fingers over Snetchalina's eyes to close them. "We can't continue the interview. Your friend here just choked to death." In her house. On one of her cookies! She gingerly began cleaning the small creature's face. "This is terrible. Poor thing..I told her not to eat so quickly.." She mumbled, clearly upset over the death of a single goblin. "We will bury her properly, and then..." She paused. "..are the goblins of the GGN part of the Tusks? If not.. who is your superior? An accident like this should be reported." Damn proper dragon couldn't just hide the body and be done with it. Snetcharella was baffled by Tsuiteru's devastation. Life goes on, and Snetchalina had become one with the Primals. Probably. Or something like that. Now she was just a body... she should contribute to the pot at this point. "No, ma'am, the GGN is not affiliated with any particular organization, not even the Multifarious Monthly Review. We don't speak about our structure to outsiders, but I'll make sure this is reported." IN THE NEWSPAPER! A death like this, in the house of the former Empress of the Jade Lotus Empire?! THAT was going to SELL PAPERS and keep the board VERY happy. Snetcharella couldn't have planned it better if she'd tried. Being promoted to journalist in the same moment as getting the scoop of the century. "So... did you make those cookies yourself, ma'am?" she asked, trying to keep her tone light and innocent. She nodded her head, somewhat absently, as if only half paying attention to the reporter. Ohhh. This was bad. Very, very bad. "Hm. Oh.." The dragon rumbled in a more subdued tone as she laid the goblin's body on her coffee table. "..well, yes. It would have been rude not to have food prepared for guests. I have always loved cooking...and I have so much more free time these days..." She murmured, still seeming distracted as she rose to her feet and headed towards the back of the cozy cottage to an ornate looking cabinet. Pulling it open revealed various folded stacks of silk, fancy trinkets, and jeweled accessories. She fished out a single bolt of white silk, returning to the table where she delicately began to wrap Snetchalina's body. "So. No.. particular funeral rites? Any family or next of kin that I could notify? There must be someone I could give condolences to?" "Next of Kin?" asked Snetcharella, "oh gosh no. Goblins don't bequeath things to others. We all just swarm the body and take what we want and then add her to the pot so we don't starve. It is known." So much for funeral rites. She watched Tsuiteru wrapping the body and reached out to test the feel of the fabric between her fingers, assessing it's value. She was so making a dress out of that. Snethalina didn't need it anymore. As for the cookies... "so... I understand now. TELL ME THE TRUTH," she shouted, standing up on a chair to point an accusing finger, "YOU WORK FOR ████* OF THE CABBALA AND ARE HELPING TO SYSTEMATICALLY WIPE OUT ALL OF THE GGN!!" She barely took a breath before continuing, "well... JOKES ON YOU... Empress... when one of us goes down, THREE MORE RISE!! Like a mother-fucking Hydra!" * The Goblin Gossip Network has not published the name of Shyn of the Cabbala within this document. That censor bar is for an entirely different person in the Cabbala and not Shyn. No mention of Shyn has taken place in this article or any future articles. Tsuiteru let out a soft sigh of frustration and remorse. "Very well then. Seems... insensitive, but if it is your ways, I will respect it." The dragon began to sit down, her expression one of guilt, misery, and... puzzlement. She was a luck dragon, and this had to be the worst possible thing that could have happened for an interview. Sure, sometimes her luck flipped the wrong way as a matter of balance but why did it have to be now?! She remained silent and thoughtful, for the moment not a suitable subject to interview until Snetcheralla hopped up onto her furniture and started shouting at her. Wow. Rude. Slowly, and deliberately, the dragon pushed herself back to her feet. Her remorseful gaze turned stern as she approached the reporter. The old dragon leaned down, putting her face almost nose-to-nose with the goblin. "I will not condone rudeness in my house. Do not, raise your voice to me, and do not stand on my furniture. If I have to scold you again, I will put you over my knee like an unruly child. Understand?" Oh no. She was using her disappointed grandmother voice, though moments after her warning, her tone softened. "Now. Tell me, what do you actually know of me and my reputation, hm?" Snetcharella continued to point an accusing finger, answering in a husky stage whisper, "I... know... EVERYTHING," she claimed. "You want to bury the truth. You're not even a REAL Luck Dragon! Else how could THIS happen in your house?!" It didn't matter that Snetcharella had been granted a huge dollop of GOOD luck... Snetchalina had an even larger dollop of BAD luck. "That's because... YOU ARE NOT THE REAL TSUITERU! You... are... an... IMPOSTER!" She hesitated and added, "an imposter noodle dragon... an IMPASTA!" There. She'd said it. Her predecessor had interviewed Empress Koharu and came to the same conclusion, it wasn't that far of a stretch (for a goblin anyway). "WHO ARE YOU REALLY?! I bet... I bet you're actually an agent of HELHEIM. Maybe one of their secret society of assassins and ne'er-do-wells!!" She was on a roll and showed no sign of stopping. The dragon took a deep calming breath. Her emotions were already frazzled from having a poor goblin choke to death on one of her cookies right in her own home. She would NOT lash out in anger. No, she would be calm, composed, regal even as she snatched for the back of the mouthy goblin's neck once Snetcharella had finished her outburst. Because.. it would have been rude to interrupt. Now, in her current form, Tsuiteru appeared dainty, almost fragile, but that was far from the truth. She was still a dragon, and throwing a small goblin over her lap shouldn't be too much of a problem! She'd then unleash a flurry of sharp swats against the goblin's backside. "What did I say about being rude in my house? I do not abide poor manners. You will be polite. You will mind your manners. Got it?" Well, she had warned the goblin she would spank her if she misbehaved again, and shouting accusations at her about being an imposter definitely fit the requirements. She'd set the reporter back on her feet, and even offer a bit of cloth to dry her eyes if the ordeal had been a bit too much. Tsuiteru was a stickler for etiquette and manners, but she was still a big old soft-hearted dragon over-all. "Now.." She murmured in a moor soothing voice, taking the goblin into her arms for a more comforting, motherly hug. ".. lets start over, shall we?" Snetcharella kicked and screamed as the ancient noodle dragon tanned her backside and the moment Tsuiteru tried to envelope her in a motherly hug the goblin bolted for the door. "OPPRESSION! SUPPRESSION! CENSORSHIP!!" she screamed, her voice fading as she ran farther and farther away. "THE PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW!!" Apparently, the interview was over! As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. It is with a heavy heart that the Goblin Gossip Network reports another fatal interview in the Cabbala. Snetch Junior joins his father in the great beyond, advancing his beautiful assistant to the rank of journalist. Snetchalina has prepared a statement on taking this position. "Reporting alive from the bowels of the Cabbala, in the presence of a very much living Shyn, is... me... Snetchalina, the latest GGN reporter in her trial by fire. My predecessor has been disemboweled for his folly and I will definitely not be reporting anything further about the Cabbala's powerful denizens!" In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by Snetchalina before her appointment to journalist! . . . A few days had passed since Omako had spoken with Shyn about correcting a little problem her father had with the preposterous rumors concerning the shade being eaten by Vaeros. Absurd. Reputable sources indeed. Worse, was there were people in the realm dumb enough to believe anything reported by the Multifarious Monthly Review. The goblins needed yet another lesson in fact-checking their sources and taking care in whose name they threw around in their articles. Of course, the author had to be found first, and why not flush them out with a letter to the editor....
--------------------------- To the Editor of the Goblin Gossip Network, I am concerned with the complete and utter lack of care this network has shown in reporting facts to your valued readers. I can provide undeniable proof that Shyn has NEVER been consumed by the Great Red Wyrm, Vaeros. If you value the reputation of being a reliable and trusted source of news, then I implore you to meet with me to get the real story. If you refuse, I will take this proof to the Kabuki-Cats, and personally pay them to make a make a mockery of your entire organization. Signed Furious and Concerned Assistant ---------------------------- Another note is slipped in the envelope with the letter to the editor, providing a location to meet. Oooooh. Shyn would be quietly running his fingers over the tools assorted over the table, a room rented specifically for the purposes of this meeting. His business away from Sincadere had kept the shade away from the Cabbala, but He was not so disinterested in his reputation to have it equated to nothing more then a light snack for the neighborhood gluttonous red lizard. His dear daughter, whom few knew as such, had promised to deliver the author to him, and Shyn had recommended that she insist on them sending another writer with the offending party, for interests of objectivity you see, as well as making it clear that she should not mention or behave in a manner that would suggest their familial relation. He wondered how a goblin might react to seeing their insides.....maybe he'd find out. Whatever the result, he would be adamant about sending a message to this "news service" about using his name in any capacity He didn't approve of. For now, it was a waiting game for the shade. M Noteworthy was getting tired of people assuming the Goblins ran the Multifarious Monthly Review. On getting the letter from Furious and Concerned, M Noteworthy order the Goblin 'reporter' brought to the location included in the envelope... along with his assistant to record what transpired. Snetch Jr, the goblin, nervously slicked his hand through his hair while his assistant, also a goblin, straightened her pencil skirt. Shit was about to get real. He wasn't even sure why he'd agreed to meet this person... or how he'd gotten there. Maybe he'd been mind controlled?! Omako waited at the appointed place, a semi-secluded place along the Silk Road between the Tusk Camp and Helheim. The ki-rin had of course disguised herself in her human form to ensure that she would avoid having herself associated with the shade. The pair had taken great care in ensuring few knew of their true relationship. When the pair of goblins arrived, they'd find 'Eleanor' waiting. She appeared unassuming enough, just a simple human woman dressed in modest simple clothing. Pretty, but not so much to draw much attention. Someone that would be easy to forget moments after meeting them. No one ever really paid much mind to servants and assistants. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. " The woman spoke in a calm, quiet voice, with her hands folded meekly in front of her to seem even less threatening. "I apologize for the harshness of my letter, but I had to ensure that you would be willing to meet with me." While she talked, shadows began to loom in behind the pair of goblins, sliding along the ground and moving slowly. "I felt it was important for the people to know the truth." She'd continue while those shadows began to rise up behind them, taking on the shapes of clubs to bash the pair on the back of the heads. For...easier transportation of course. Shyn would look up when the Kirin, or rather the human disguised woman, brought in the two goblins. Was one of them wearing a skirt? No matter. Little time would be wasted as one was strung up on a makeshift cross, the other sat in a chair with a good view, their legs were bound, but they would be able to grab their notes and write easily enough. When they awoke they'd be granted a vision of the tall dark and brooding shade, alive and well, with bright and blazing blue eyes. "I hear that I've died." Would be the whispered tone that tickled their ears, the bound one might notice he had been made shirtless, and that the table in front of the cross was covered in implements of torture. Snetch barely had time to register an 'Oh shit," before pain thudded on the back of his head and the world went dark. He repeated the sentiment when he woke, bound to a cross, and saw with whom he was meeting. The beautiful goblin assistant dutifully pulled her parchment and magical quill from somewhere and began taking notes. Snetch swallowed heavily and once again said, "oh shit," while tearing his gaze away from Shyn and looking around. "Uh... do you take bribes? I would very much like to not die in the Cabbala like my predecessor and I have valuables I can trade. You can have my assistant???" He glanced at the assistant who was glaring at him and mutter, "what?!" The 'human' remained off to the side, seemingly checking over various tools of torture to reinforce the very role she had proposed in her letter. She had let her eyes turn black however just to further add to her cover, as if she was under the shade's influence. Perhaps even, this had all been arranged by Shyn. At least that was what she wanted the goblin assistant to believe. "Would you like to begin with the skinning knife or the shears?" When Shyn sneered it looked to most to just be a minor pressing of his lips together, and a slight exhalation of disapproval. To those that knew him it was quite a statement. "I do not take bribes, and who is to say we are in the Cabbala? You won't be alive to find out, this is not for you. Your fate has been decided by me, I'll start with the shears." He'd take the implement in his hand and look towards the assistant. "Depending on how well you write, which I will insist on approving before you send to your editor, you may find a favorable comment on the journalistic practices of your....review." Taking the shears he'd move to the goblins hand, carefully place a finger below the knuckle join, and apply just enough pressure to let out some blood, but no further letting him squirm a bit. "Firstly I hope you make it known that it is of utmost importance to me that any reporting to be done on me be verified with me......going forward." The shears would snap shut, with a sickening snap as the sharp implement rended flesh and bone. Snetch was screaming before the shears event touched his skin, it was an incomprehensible mix of common, orcish and goblin but the gist was pretty clear... he was terrified and begging for his life. The assistant watched, wide eyed, scribbling furiously and simply swallowed heavily and nodded at Shyn. She barely even blinked when a splatter of blood sprayed across her face and the parchment she was writing on. This wasn't her first rodeo, so to speak, she'd watched Snetch senior be devoured by the Hound. When the shears snapped shut Snetch let out a howl and immediately lost consciousness, the abrupt silence a stark contrast to his blabbering fear. A heart beat later he regained consciousness and went into a long continuous wail that seemed impossible... somehow he was wailing while breathing in as well as out! The screams were like a beautiful symphony to her ears, though the disguised ki-rin betrayed no reaction upon her features. She stood stoic and impassive to the plight of the goblin that was understandably freaking out. Her face remained vacant, eyes swirling with shadows. When she stepped forward to walk behind the goblin assistant, she made her movements stiff like a puppet being tugged along by unseen strings. Once behind the assistant, she'd loom over the female goblin's shoulder to peer down at the parchment. "Mind your words." She made her voice hollow and emotionless. "They may be your last if you anger him if he must waste time with too many revisions." Her hand rose, settling gently on the assistant's head in a mockery of a soothing gesture. "Best to get it right the first time, no?" The shade was not terribly impressed with the goblins composure, yes having ones limbs sheared was painful, but it was far from the worst thing. It was fast, immediately, then dull. Normally he'd bother himself with staunching the blood from the finger, but well....given the hyper condition of the subject the once kingpin didn't delude himself into thinking that he'd last very long. "So, one with the quill, tell me what you intend to write to repair my sullied reputation?" Shyn would set the sheers down quietly, and pick up the skinning knife, admiring the sharpness of the blade. "Now, normally I do not do this sort of thing unless I am acquiring worthy specimens. But in your case I will make an exception. Did you know that various cultures find the internal organs of a creature are worth their weight in silver, or gold, or jewels if one is so fortunate? Normally I take my time, and care, in removing such things, but alas I am not here to make money, or even to entertain myself with your screams. I am here to make a short and brutal point. I prefer to operate out of the limelight, I care NOT to see my name in the papers at all. BUT if it must be known, then I prefer it be in the ALIVE and well category. My clients do not take lightly news of my demise, and you have caused me no small amount of irritation. Irritating me has.....what might be considered repercussions no?" With the now writing assistant left to watch as her boss was carved up, skin being flayed, longer organs being removed and shown to her boss, and other demeaning things to his body, she would perhaps be left to wonder if the man was a maniac. But throughout his speech he was cold, calculating, and unfeeling. His words while having heft and passion in them were spoken in the soft and whispered manner of an older teacher. Perhaps a set of contradictions this dark skinned and cold man. Snetch Junior was not doing well. The sight of Shyn's next tool and the words that came with it, made the goblin lose consciousness again. His secretary, however, was far more composed (or at least wrote that she was more composed). "I only write what I see," she managed to stammer out. "I don't write the news part, just the descriptions," even as she spoke she continued to write. Sitting a little straighter she clears her throat, "perhaps sir would like to tell me what to write?" Omako tsked softly at how quickly Snetch faded into unconsciousness again. No wonder goblins were at the low end of the totem pole amongst the orcs if only a little finger snipping was enough to undo the creature. Still, she understood that the goblin was ultimately doomed. It was the lasting impact on the assistant that would prove important. Her hands fell on the assistant's shoulders from behind, fingers digging in just hard enough to be painful, but not draw blood. Yet. "Your bosses' paper has put his reputation in doubt." Her voice was cold, no longer that vacant haunted echo of the disguise she'd been presenting so far just to add further confusion. "I am certain a clever goblin like you can think of something. Or do you require further demonstrations?" Shyn stood there thoughtfully, leather gloves covered in the entrails and viscera of a disemboweled goblin, he was rather upset the creature wasn't even aware to see his own intestines. Oh well. Placing the greenskins intestine in his hand, just in case he should wake up, he'd turn to watch Omako's coldly speaking to the female. He'd raise his hand. "No no, it is wise for her to inquire what I wish for her to write. As I said, if things are to be written about me I would prefer to have input, if not straight ... instruction or even not to write at all. In this case I would demand that a correction be stated, that I am very much alive, and insinuate.....that the previous writer met with an unfortunate demise for printing something about me that was not approved. Do you think you are capable of doing such?" He didn't want to come out and say "Shyn killed the idiot for printing nonsense about him" but He did want that idea planted nonetheless. "Oh, and do send me an advanced copy before printing....in case some revisions are needed." The manner He said that was unsettling as he cleaned the knife. Snetch's beautiful assistant wasn't about to leave anything to chance. She leaned over the parchment already containing the bulk of the exchange between them. Glancing at Snetch's body she swallows heavily and begins to write. She wasn't a reporter! She was the person who wrote down what took place! After a moment she sat up and read out, "reporting alive from the bowels of the Cabbala, in the presence of a very much living Shyn, is... me... Snetchalina, the latest GGN reporter in her trial by fire. My predecessor has been disemboweled for his folly and I will definitely not be reporting anything further about the Cabbala's powerful denizens!" Omako nodded her head slowly even though she tsked faintly in annoyance, eyes darkening for a few moments even if only Shyn could see them. She had taken on the role of assisting the shade, even leaving it questionable if the 'human' was doing so of her own free will or was being controlled through dark magic. After-all, the goal was to ensure Shyn's reputation. When Snetchalina read the report out loud, she hummed in consideration. "Hm. Disemboweled... I suppose such a threat will discourage further misrepresentation in the future. But... is it enough? Will others in your little organization take this warning to heart?" Shyn was feeling in a rather dramatic mood, and would stab the knife into the table to stand upright as a warning. "I would strongly encourage that your column do well to remember that unlike most organizations the Cabbala does not like to be......commented upon in a fashion that makes us known. You may indeed post such a simplistic account and you will find that it will not bring me to your doorstep. But I will hold you personally responsible if my name is printed without my direct permission." He'd gesture to Omako to let the journalist go. "I hope never to see you again." As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. Our latest in a series of celebrity interviews. Tonight, be dazzled by the vile cunning of Davros the Conquerer* who uses moronic goblins to do his bidding while he plots his evil ascension to EMPORER OF THE JADE LOTUS EMPIRE! In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by Snetch Junior's assistant! * Conquerer is a title granted by creative license of the GGN and is no way actually applied to the recipient of this interview. . . . Snetch Junior, the Goblin reporter, made his way toward the Helheim docks. The intention was to track down Baron Hogrimm in the hopes of buying an interview from him. Followed by his faithful, and rather ravishing, assistant in her pencil skirt with a quill stuck in her hair, the reporter scoured the docks. Coming up short he turned to the nearest individual and pointed, "hey, you... you want to be famous?"
Davros was finishing some business at the docks. Some things he needed for his shop, sadly, just could not be found down in the caves. It was nice, however, to see the sun one in awhile and stretch his proverbial wings. When the voice catches his attention, however, it takes a moment to realise the goblin was speaking to him. Hesitating for a moment, Davros sighs. As much as every part of his being screamed at him to run, he was never one to be rude, "No... I dont. But curiosity dictates that i must ask who you are and how you would even make someone famous" Snetch Jr, in an unusual show of bravery, puffed his chest and exclaimed loudly, "I am from a long line of world famous HARD HITTING journalists," by long line he meant, of course, that his father Sentch Sr had also been a reporter. "I am Snetch of the GGN. I and my lovely assistant," he gestured to the goblin woman beside him, "are looking for some NEWS to report. So... tell us, strapping fella... what is YOUR name?!" "Ah" is all Davros lets slip through his lips as the brave little goblin explains who they are "the GGN. The same hard hitting journalists that interviewed the wrong Dani" he smiles knowingly, the whole situation rather humorous, and against his better judgement he proceeds, "Davros Steiner," he offers his name, though immediately wondering if he should have just lied about that, "I work as a blacksmith for the Cabbala. Nice to meet you Snetch Jr" Snetch Jr puts a little space between him and Davros. "You're a DRAGON, aren't you?" he doesn't wait for an answer before jabbing an accusing finger in Davros's direction, "WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF?!" he demands. Even his usually stoic assistant gasps at the strange question and looks to Davros. "I heard from RELIABLE SOURCES," that was unlikely, "that YOU.... are FAKE! That you're a GOLEM!" Getting right into it Snetch squares his shoulders and demands, "TELL ME.... THE TRUTH!" Davros purses his lips, brow perked curiously as he draws in a long sigh, moving to sit on one of the nearby crates and bringing himself into direct eye level with the Snetch Jr. "Come now, my friend, I have read your papers. -reliable sources- is a very stretched term in your case. Yes, i am a dragon. But Golem?" Davros muses on that rather humorously, "Golem is a new one, i will admit. But what would it matter, hm? Am i real, or am I a construct?" He motions wide over the area, "The Cabbala has plenty of necromancers and undead servants, so would it be much of a surprise if i wasnt a real... human? Dragon?" He grins, lingering in silence a moment and continues, "the real question should be why is a cleric under the employ of the Cabbala, hm? A cleric dragon golem thats possibly a thrall to... whom?" He ponders playfully, "convoluted a bit, yes?" "A Cleric!" Snetch declared, like an ah-HAH moment. "No doubt you're responsible for something nefarious. SPILL IT! Give us all the juicy details! Have you been raising an army of undead pigeons to deny the Tusks delicious snacks? What do you plan to do with your carrion air force?" He gasps and points an accusing finger, "ARE YOU PLANNING TO INVADE THE JADE LOTUS?" Even Snetch's glorious assistant held her hands over her ears at the volume he was shouting at. Everyone at the dock will have heard how Davros apparently plans to invade the Jade Lotus Empire! "N..nooooo?" Davros replies with a questioning inflection. His brow raised curiously and yet he can't help but smile, enjoying the antics unfolding before him. He decides to overlook the poor creatures blatant misunderstanding of what Davros does as a cleric and instead decides to dive right on in to the crazy, "it never occurred to me to invade the Jade Empire, though i hear the Sake is good..." he leans in close to the goblin, whispering with a wry grin, "i dont think i can do it alone. Do you know anyone that could help? I could use someone on the inside. I just need to know where they keep the bulk of their alcohol, that's my main goal. I can start a monopoly on booze, I'll even cut you in on the profits" Snetch leaned in so he could hear Davros, though even at a whisper the dragon was easily heard even by Snetch's assistant. When Davros offered Snetch a cut of the profits the goblin's eyes went wide. There was a look of wonder and respect, as if he suddenly realized this was a kindred spirit and not just someone to interview. "I know some guys," Snetch confirmed before trying to get his secretary to stop taking down every details. Spoiler alert: she didn't stop. "Since I'm providing the muscle AND the brains," he waved off that Davros was the one who came up with the plan, "I'll give you 20%. The rest will go to the Goblin Gossip Network and into covering up our involvement." Writer's note: That was a lie, Snetch would probably pocket it all and try to pin it on Davros. Snetch keeps his voice low as he continues, "they keep it all in the place that made Rukbah fly. The booze house overlooking the lake inside the mountain, whatever that's called. When are we doing this?" "Right now" Davros reaches into his pocket and produces a rather small bag. He opens it to shows Snetch the contents; about 30, tiny, marble sized rocks, "don't worry about the plan and people. I -ALREADY- have 20 heavily armored dragons waiting, just across the water." Davros continues, not missing a beat, "you see, my friend, you caught me just before the assault. But you've given us a fantastic opportunity. No one would suspect such a brilliant distraction. What i need YOU to do, is take these pellets and hurl them at the Lotus guards. They'll make tiny explosions... not lethal, but enough to get their attention while my Dragon cohorts soar in through the clouds." That was enough to end the interview. Snetch could not resist the urge to throw explosives so, naturally, he snatched the little bag from Davros and took off like a bolt, presumably heading toward the Jade Lotus to cause a ruckus. The assistant sighed and waved to Davros before wandering after him, no doubt to save his sorry ass. The idiot hadn't even asked where to pick up his cash or where to meet after the heist. Davros stands up and dusts himself off, grabbing the items he was originally there for as he heads back for the cabbala, smiling "Blessings of the Gods upon you, ya crazy little bastard". As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. Let it be known that Snetch Junior is no coward! This brave goblin risked life, limb and soul to venture into the Cabbala and bring us the real deal. The real Silver Terror. Read on to discover just who paid for her bogus degree and who pulls the puppet strings behind the Archon's new throne!! In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by Snetch Junior's assistant! ... After the brutal sacrifice and the raucous feast, Snetch Jr and his faithful assistant made their way to the Cabbala. Snetch wore his usual greasy tunic and slicked back hair, but also a very fake mustache as if that might disguise his appearance. He was sweating. The beautiful assistant, in her black pencil skirt, also looked scared but much more 'together' than Snetch. Eventually he got close enough to Daniella to clear his throat and smile up at her, "uh... congratulations on your recent promotion, Ms Travesty... you ARE Ms Travesty aren't you? Not some imPOStor?"
The Faun looked around when someone cleared their throat, then down. Not that the Goblin was that much smaller than she was; Dani was not a particular tall person unless one counted the height of her antlers. For a long moment she just stared before her eyebrows swept upward, "Am I Ms. Travesty? Well, " The hand not holding wine thrust up in the air with three fingers, "Let's figure this out okay? Am I a silver faun? Yes." She folded down a finger, "Do I want to poison you?.. Yes." the second finger came down, till just that one; a middle one, was pointing in the air "And who else but a Ms Travesty would be promoted here like this? Me! So.. Yes.." That third finger folded and she went back to staring, "Now what can I do for you, if I've satisfied your identity crisis." Snetch recoiled as each finger came down as if she was threatening him with all three fingers and not just the second one. "G-great," he replied while his assistant pretended not to notice his nervousness and furiously jotted down every interaction with her usual dedication and flare. "You uh... you wanted to be interviewed, right? And I'm suppose to give you this?" He holds out a small bag of coin, presumably the compensation so artfully demanded by the Archon's letter. "How uh... how does it feel to rule over the Cabbala as you've ALWAYS INTENDED," he swallows heavily after his outburst but by now his bravado was starting to chip away at his cowardice. "And... IS IT TRUE... that Shin isn't simply missing, but you had him MURDERED because he wouldn't BEND THE KNEE?!" Daniella stared down at Snetch for a long moment as he seemed to get his bearings, though when he held out a bag of coin she reached down to snatch it from his hand with her own greedy fingers. Dani had learned much from dragons, coin was to be hoarded. "I am so glad you've come to clear the record, I knew your editor wouldn't be pleased you had the wrong faun." It was all she could do not to point to her silver hair and ears and describe again how -she- was the Silver terror. Instead she flashed her most charming smile and a metallic clawed fingertip reached out to try to poke the Goblin's nose, "It feels marvelous. Eclipse did an outstanding job, but I am very eager to make this territory into my own vision. It has been a long time coming," She nodded a few times and raised her eyebrow at the second question, "Well you're aware of our Founder's hunger aren't you? Sometimes all I have to do is ask Grandpa-Vaeros to do me a favor, and if he hasn't eaten yet he's quite amiable. Do you think you'd make a good snack? Should I call him?" "VAEROS ATE SHIN!?" Snetch shouted before glancing around as if looking for the giant red dragon. "That's simply diabolical," he added at a more reasonable volume. After a moment of looking around he seemed to recall he was in the middle of an interview and turned back to Dani. "So... you're quite the Rags to Riches story, aren't you?" he started slowly, a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. "You started as... a SLAVE... and now you've paid Headmistress Aigie enough money to actually graduate!! Tell me... TELL US ALL... and TELL THE TRUTH... how much did it COST you to be the first graduate of the CCOA??" The Faun was giggling a little now. Swaying back and forth so her skirt flounced around her. The imagine of Shyn being swallowed by Vaero, while untrue, was still satisfying. Did the Shade read this gossip rag? Oh she hoped so. When the conversation turned to CCOA her eyes got wide, a twitch in her cheek at the mention of her past. Dani pushed that aside, "Me pay the Headmistress?! I did not become one of the most wealthy in Sincadere by throwing my coin away. No, they pay me! I was one of the first students, and now Archon of the Cabbala! Think of the fame me graduating might bring!!" Snetch relaxed a little bit when Dani giggled, it set him at ease a little. "So... you're saying that Headmistress AIGIE... paid HOUND to step down so that you could be her PUPPET ON THE THRONE?!" Snetch cackled but his assistant looked like she was ready to flee. "AND GAVE YOU A BOGUS DEGREE?!?! What is this world COMING TO?" Dani narrowed her eyes slightly in warning, "I am nobodies puppet " she warned before leaning down to get a little closer, as if to share a secret. The faun glanced left then right, a finger pressed to her lips "Did you know if you stay too long here, the air will corrupt your minds? There's magic here, dark magic...can't you feel it? I can see it crawling on you," Dani nodded a bit, pointing to Snetch's shoulder, "right there." Snetch and his assistant were entranced when Dani lowers her voice. They both lean in to listen, Snetch's eyes growing wider and wider until Dani points to his shoulder and he loses it. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!!" he screams while his assistant watches, helpless to do anything. "AAHHHH THE WITCH CURSED ME!" he screams before taking off toward the Cabbala entrance, "THIS FUCKING PLACE IS FUCKED UP!" "Was it something I said?" She called out to the screaming Goblin as he ran off. Regarding Goblin Gossip Network's Oct 4th "Celebrity Interview: Dani the Silver Terror"
Dear Editor, While I am delighted to read your interviews when they come out, I must point out a grievous error. Imagine my surprise to see an article written about me, when I have never met one of your reporters before. This is a scandal for your well reputed paper, one I am sure you will make right. Please be advised that I know many whom excel in the litigation of different territories of the realm and I have been told in situations like these, monetary funds to smooth the grievous insult is usually an acceptable form of apology. Since the skill of your workers seems rather low, I can only imagine you don't have the deep pockets that would be necessary to repair the injury you've caused my reputation. I expect a scheduled interview within the next hand of days, and a retraction with an apology published. Please send all correspondence to the Keep within the Cabbala Amartia. Daniella Travesty The Silver Terror P.S. My silver dragons will not eat you if you meet the time frame given above. Dear Readers, while the above letter may seem like a form of extortion allow me to assure all of you that I, M. Noteworthy, am deeply regretful of the actions of the Goblin Gossip Network. It is my duty as editor to review each publication of this 'well reputed paper' as Ms Travesty so succinctly put it, and I will most certainly censure the Goblin Gossip Network for their terrible mistake. I will not, however, censor any writer of this publication. Ms Travesty, you have my sincerest apologies, given freely despite your 'request' and I will ensure another Goblin Gossip Network reporter will interview you properly. I have also seen fit to arrange a generous donation to the Bound Elf for your trouble. Those readers who are not aware of the Bound Elf should take the time to visit the charming gathering place. There they will find salacious delights and well priced menu items to slake just about any thirst. While I will not retract the already published article I will ensure that future printings have an appropriate warning about the quality of reporters employed by the Goblin Gossip Network. It was my error in thinking the mere name of the organization was enough of an indication as to the veracity of their claims. Yours truly, M. Noteworthy As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network Despite the difficulty and the danger involved, the GGN is still dedicated to bringing you the only RELIABLE NEWS SOURCE in all of Sincadere! Hard hitting journalism, honest and accurate! In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by Snetch Junior's assistant! This time around both our reporter, Snetch Jr, and his assistant were brutally hexed by none other than Dani the Silver Terror of Cabbala! As you will see, she is plotting world domination and all of us are in danger! . . . The two goblins made their way toward the Cabbala intending to find another vict-, candidate for celebrity interviews. The LAST time any goblins from the Goblin Gossip Network travelled to the Cabbala, the reporter was slain brutally by the Crimelord. To say these two were nervous was an understatement. As they got closer to the swamp their steps got slower... until they came to a halt outside the entrance. Maybe they'd get lucky and their intended target would walk out of the Cabbala and they could conduct the interview here! Snetch Jr adjusted his stained and unwashed tunic and ran a hand through his greased back hair before nodding to his assistant to indicate she should start documenting everything. The assistant, dressed in a pencil skirt, began scribbling furiously on her handy parchment.
Meanwhile, Trinket the succubus was preparing to head up to the surface to hunt some mischief, or a soul to drain. Pausing by the glowing warning obelisks, the crimson fiend begins to shimmer and flow, shapeshifting into a more innocuous form. Assuming the identity of a svelte savanna faun, she recites a familiar incantation and glamours herself in some suitable clothing to fit the role and heads up out of the concealed tunnel entrance. Slipping past the swamp troll and goblin that perpetually guard the entry, the 'faun' is drawn up short by a pair of unfamiliar goblins posted up on the wooden dock just outside. "Oh, hello there!" She trills in a melodic voice "Heading into the Cabbala? Today's your lucky day, admission is half price." She posits with a roguish grin. Snetch Jr looked up at the faun and grins. "PERFECT!" he exclaims, nudging his assistant. "Dani the Silver Terror," this faun looked nothing like Dani, but Snetch didn't know what Dani looked like! "Just in time for your interview. Now I don't have to pay admission and you get to have your 15 minutes of fame!" He takes a deep breath, straightens his greasy tunic and dives right in. "I'm Snetch Junior reporting for the Goblin Gossip Network. Today we're asking the hard hitting questions of the Cabbala's second in command. Tell me Dani... IS IT TRUE... that you got in bed with Helheim's King in order to collaborate with him to ruin the reputation of Daichi Akio of the Jade Lotus Empire?! I have it on GOOD AUTHORITY that you did this. Colluding with one enemy to take down another one socially!!" Fyerna the 'faun' was actually taken aback for a moment; of all the responses she'd ever had to a shakedown attempt, that had to be the most unexpected. Then she gives him a quirked, squinty 'wtf?' manner of stare, before glancing down at her tawny tan and black coloration - nothing about her was remotely silver, even her antlers were completely different; she looked nothing like the noted Cabbalan faun. She ALMOST said "What, do you think all fauns look alike?" but after the briefest pause what actually comes out of the disguised demon's mouth is "...Of course it's true!" in a cursing snarl as if angry her secret deeds had just been exposed to the bright light of day. From one of the sheathes strapped to a thigh, the faun drew a long thin double sided dagger to toy with casually as she advanced upon the pair of goblins. "Not just Tyr of course, but all of them! My squad of succubus infiltrators has gotten into bed with everyone from Helheim to the Empire - Daichi, the Empress - all of the leadership." She leans forward, looming over them "All of them" she illustrates, poking with the needle point of the dagger. Letting the assertation settle in before twisting the metaphorical knife "How else could I spread the poison so efficiently? What do you think that rash amongst the leadership is everyone is talking about? Ahahaha! Haha!" she cackles gleefully "Oh they all think its a venereal disease, that's what it's supposed to look like - at first - but just you wait! In a couple weeks the SPORES will start hatching! AHAHA!" Snetch Jr was taken aback by the answer he got. Not only did she admit it, but she gave him MORE juicy goss- news to track down and report. "I KNEW IT," he exclaimed when he had recovered enough. "Now let's talk about your ambition. YOU once sat on the throne of Cabbala and then, what, just handed it over to Hound?" he shuddered when he said that name.. and who could blame him! The former Snetch was eaten alive during her interview! "NOW I hear... from RELIABLE SOURCES... that you are in cahoots with Grand Marshal Eli in a plot to take over Helheim!! When do you set your sights on Jade Lotus Empire? Is it your goal to rule all of SINCADERE?!" He paused for only one heartbeat and then screamed, "TELL ME THE TRUTH! I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Fyerna snickers evilly at the question of the throne, giving her dagger a toss in the air and catching it deftly. "Do you really think I would just give up the throne? I needed a figurehead to take all the blame while I wield the true power behind the Cabbala!" She paces side to side, cloven hooves making the rotted boards of the dock creak and groan. Sneering at mention of the Grand Marshal she launches into a cackling diatribe "Hah! Eligorv... another puppet in my machinations! He has already outlived his usefulness to me, I have had a new captain of the guard installed that will serve my purposes better!" Casting the dagger down to stick in the wooden dock, she subtly alters her glamour to create a set of metal claw rings on her fingers, to loom menacingly with over the pair of goblins. "The Empire, hmpf! Silk spinners and rice farmers - I have already been crowned Queen of the Unseelie Court and ruler of all Fae - The Empire and indeed all of Sincadere will soon be but a footnote in my reign as no plane of existence shall be safe from the Silver Terror!" All the violent posturing was getting to Snetch Jr and his Assistant but somehow the goblin held his ground and asked, "and why... pray tell, do they call you the Silver Terror? Dani, second in command of the Cabbala, I see nothing silver about you! Maybe if you were a white faun and not tan and black, I could see it. Just what about you makes you the SILVER terror?!" Fyerna scoffs at the question, seeming insulted by it, and withdrawing a pace. "Because of all the silver I hoard!" She answers. "Mountains of it! Coins and bars, and bullion, I have caves and caves full of it. And a pair of silver dragons to guard all of it!" Pausing in her rant, the faun regards the two goblins with a mischievous grin "A better question might have been 'why have I told you all these secrets.'" she notes, grin growing wider. She begins to move metal clawed hands in arcane-looking but ultimately meaningless gestures, while using a simple cantrip to make her fingers glow with a malignant red energy. "I curse you both, a hex upon you! You shall be doomed to know the truth but NONE SHALL BELIEVE YOU! A curse, I bind to you, a hex to follow you both to the end of your days! Fated to watch my evil plans come to fruition but powerless to stop them! A curse of the Liar's Tongue! Forever shall you be disbelieved!" Cackling, she uses a further cantrip a make a peal of thunder rumble down from the sky "Now FLEE! Before I change my mind!" Snetch and his assistant were SHOOK, right down to the core. Neither had to be told twice... as soon as Fyerna told them to flee, they bolted for the Great Forest, likely intending to seek refuge in the Black Tusk camp. As they reached the tree line a shout echoed back toward fake-Dani, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE-NE-NE-NE!" Whatever THAT meant. It would seem the interview was over... and Snetch Jr survived. This time. In our third of a series of celebrity interviews, Snetch Junior, travels to the Jade Lotus Empire to interview their new Empress who obtained her position when she murdered the last Empress. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. I took an assistant with me to the interview, though we both barely made it out alive. As you will see in this interview, Koharu, Empress of the Jade Lotus Empire, is not just a murderer but also a MONEY GRUBBING DIRT BAG! She has no feelings for anyone other than herself. Despicable! . . . Snetch Junior brushed at the fine tunic, still stained in his father's blood from the interview with the Hound, and looked across the way at Koharu. She sure was sparkly. Beside him stood his assistant, formerly his father's assistant. "So gracious of you to permit my presence, Empress... your predecessor was not so kind. Are you aware that she banned ALL greenskins from the Jade Lotus Empire? Which is silly, because Jade is green, and we're green, so you'd think she'd welcome us with open... er, claws? What do noodle dragons have anyway?" he peered at her hands and squinted as if expecting her to sprout claws and attack him.
Koharu looks over with a bit of a confused glance at the goblin. But before she says anything in return she hears his words out fully. At his question she would show her hands. They did not have claws but they certainly had long, sharp nails. She then speaks "Most dragons have claws, but most dragons also have multiple forms. This is simply my human form, so no claws. As for the green skins? I figure each person should warrant their own banning. So, How can i help you dear?" Snetch Junior was not used to being treated kindly so he was immediately suspicious of the Empress and her soft manner and kind words. He hesitated and then came out with some hard hitting journalism, "no one has seen Tsuiteru since you took over," that wasn't entirely true, but SNETCH hadn't seen her so that was close enough. "IS IT TRUE... that you MURDERED HER... in ritual combat, thus cementing your place as Empress of the Jade Lotus Empire?!" He leaned forward in his chair and didn't give her a chance to respond before shouting again, spittle flying in her direction, "TELL THE TRUTH! I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!" Koharu stares at the goblin before her that came off with such a dramatic question.. her stare was blank, but only lasted until she busted into laughter! she shakes her head softly and collects herself before saying "Oh my, No no. I love my grandmother. She has been seen many times! In fact it was she herself that placed the crown upon my head in a large gathering. She even prepared a feast for all the attendants. Either way, she is quite well, and living a peaceful life on vacation. So many years dealing with so many people every day and all. She earned her peace." Snetch Junior was standing on the little table between them at this point, his large (and bare) feet knocking aside the tiny teacups. "VACATION?! is THAT what the kids are calling it these days? You just ADMITTED to being a shapeshifter. All you dragons are! How do we know, how do we REALLY KNOW, that it was the former Empress placing the crown on your head?! I bet she 'earned her peace'... her ETERNAL PEACE!" He jabbed a finger in her direction, "TELL THE TRUTH!" Koharu laughed a little more, seeming unphased by his out burst. Instead she simply shakes her head and says "Because all of the empire was there to witness it. And has seen her multiple times since. Now, i said that dragons can change form, but that does not mean we can take just any form. You see most of us are restricted to just two. A single human form, and a single dragon form. But..." she leans forward a little and narrows her eyes, speaking a little softer "How do i know you are really you.. Do you know if you are really you?" Snetch's assistant gasped as Koharu's insinuation and she looked to Sentch Junior suspiciously. Snetch Junior, to his credit, managed to only freeze while he thought. And thought. Slowly he stepped off the low table and resumed his seat. "What if... what if I'm not really a Snetch?" he asked, almost of himself and not really of Koharu. "What if... I never find out who is a good boy?" He begins to sob, "what if I stop believing and then I... I just fade away!?" He crawled across the table and tried to grab Koharu's garments, clinging to her if possible and sobbing filthy goblin tears on her pretty silk outfit, "don't forget me, Empress, don't let me fade away into oblivion!" Clearly she'd hit a nerve. Koharu sits in shock for a moment, her arms half up, and out to her sides as she blinks a few times. She frowns softly, then wraps her arms around him and says "Relax, don't worry my dear, i am sure you are fine. Besides, i am sure lots of people remember you! You seem memorable enough to me, yeah?" but she then looked to the other goblin and mouths without words "What is his name?" The assistant mouths back to Koharu, "Snetch." But with how goblins mouths are shaped that could be Snitch, Snatch, Wretch... you get the idea. Meanwhile, in Koharu's arms, Snetch soaks up the affection like someone starved of attention. After a moment he wipes his runny nose with the back of his arm, making a loud SNORK sound in the process. "How come you're so nice, Empress?" so much for hard hitting journalism. Koharu searches her robes for a moment before pulling a piece of cloth out and gently wiping the goblins face with it, then offering it to him "Here, you can keep this my dear. I am so nice because it is just who I am. My citizens are my family. My walls are my pride. All the gold and gems in the world have no value if there is not a soul to share them with." But at this point, even the goblin should be able to tell that Koharu was not treating him differently than anyone else. Not like some filthy goblin. But as a person. Either way, she adds "The Kami, which you call Gods, have blessed me to rule this land. I was chosen because of where my heart lay. For they knew i should love these people, and this land, as if it came from my own body" Snetch sniffled again and blew his nose loudly in the offered bit of cloth before making it disappear into his tunic. At one of Koharu's comments, Snetch scoffed and pulled away, "you can't honestly expect me to believe that gold and gems lose their value if there's no one to share them with. I NEVER share my treasure and it's still the most valuable--" he stopped abruptly and narrowed his eyes, "waaait... I get it now. This is... a TRAP!" He back flipped away from her, staggering a bit on the landing, "assistant! RUN! She's after our WEALTH!" As he bolted for the door he shrieked over his shoulder, "GO FUCK YOURSELF, GOLD-DIGGER! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!!" Koharu rolls her eyes with a laughter, the just.. resumes looking at her ledger, as they leave she only says one thing, and not even loudly. She was not bothered to defend herself from the accusation.. "I have gold and silver mines my dear. i do not want yours also. B safe, Go with the Kami" As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network The Goblin Gossip Network continues to bring you hard hitting journalism despite the great peril to our reporters. Tonight we hear from Snetch Junior, reporting for our recently deceased... nay, MURDERED... and most beloved, Snetch the Goblin. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. Snetch's assistant survived the interview by keeping her wits about her. As you will see, in our exchange, the Crimelord of Caballa admitted to being dumped by the commander of the Sentries and then she ATE our reporter! GGN has not reached out to Jeriah for a comment. . . . The goblin arrived with an assistant. He wore a fancy medieval suit that was well worn and very stained. His hair was slicked back and thick with grease. The assistant, also a goblin, wore a skirt and carried a scroll and magically refilling quill. Once they were settled and greetings had been dispensed, Snetch the Goblin opened up with the first of many hard hitting questions. "So, tell me Eclipse... can I call you Eclipse? Mz Hound?" He obviously checked her out when he suggested that last name, "tell me... I've heard from VERY reliable sources, that your latest boy toy..." he stopped as the assistant tugged on his sleeve and whispered in his ear. "What?" he whispered back, "really?" She nodded severely and he cleared his throat. "Very well, Mz Hound... what... is your favourite colour?"
Eclipse had been waiting for this interview. She decided to wear a very low cut red dress to show all of those luscious curves she was known for. When the gobo began the first question, she leaned over the desk with a brow arched. But once he had corrected himself, she licked those lips of hers. "Red....the color of blood....of course." She grinned flashing those blood stained teeth. Her eerie mismatched hues looked towards the assistant with her grin still very apparent. "And who is your VERY reliable source?" She asked as her razor sharp claws began to tick against the top of her desk. Snetch was easily swayed by the low cut dress and those luscious curves, he literally licked his lips while staring. "Source? huh?" he asked, still distracted. When he looked up, seeming to snap out of it, he answered, "oh, can't be giving up my sources, that wouldn't do!" Clearing his throat he continued, maybe taking one more peek at Eclipse's cleavage, "now, tell us... Mz Hound... is it true you own the Stoned Dragon Sex Den? I heard, from reliable sources mind you, that you are the highest paid staff person there! Tell me, just how much does it cost to get one's willy wet by the infamous Hound?" He barreled through the question despite his assistant's attempts to stop him. Eclipse would still be leaning over the desk when the gobo had asked her the question. She would move closer to the goblin that spoke. "I do own the Den, and I make no profit from it aside from those who pay me directly for drugs." Those sharp claws moved to the edge of the table right infront of the gobo so he could see just how sharp they were. "And sorry love.... I'm not on the menu. And if I were, you wouldn't be able to afford me." She winked that red eye that seemed to be glowing now. Snetch swallowed heavily at the sight of those claws. Whether he was brave, or just plain stupid, it was hard to say but he looked her in the eye and blurted his next question. "Hound may be off the menu in more ways than one, or so I heard. Didn't you just get dumped by the commander of the Sentries? Rough luck.. how are you handling that?" Eclipse opened her eyes wide and would immediately clutch that hand around his throat. Just snapping it like a snakebite towards him until those claws were digging into his trachea. "Nobody got dumped. We parted ways......" And with that she would wretch his body up and over the table towards her and bite into his face. One canine hooking into his eyeball and when her mouth latched down and hand moved backwards, his eye was stuck on that tooth of hers. "Much like your eye has." She looked to the assistant. "Did you get everything you needed? I think it is time for dinner." Snetch should have seen it coming. But he didn't. He barely had a moment to let out a gasp before he was dead. The assistant inhaled sharply and immediately bolted. She didn't even hesitate long enough to ensure Snetch was dead. Eclipse watched the assistant go and chuckled as she popped that eye off her tooth and pointed at her. "I'll be keeping an eye on you....if I don't like what you report...your death will be much slower." As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network The Goblin Gossip Network has, at great peril to itself and it’s reporter, sent a hard hitting journalist to each of the three realms leaders. We started with the best, richest and most formidable… we are not being paid to say that… Helheim. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. I took an assistant with me to the interview, though we both barely made it out alive. As you will see, in our exchange, the King admitted to wanting a war with the Jade Lotus Empire, taking bribes from the drow and to sleeping with Aigie of the Cabbala. And then, when we accused King Tyr of supporting Elf-turnative facts, he threatened to suppress our freedom to report! . . . Snetch the Goblin, just as dirty and smelly as the rest of the goblin population but he has slick backed hair that is obviously a toupe, and is wearing clothing that would be suitable for a king's steward if it wasn't patched up and stained. With a good wash it would be a really nice outfit!
The goblin arrives with a crisp new scroll and magically refilled quill and takes a seat across from the king's desk to conduct the interview. "Snetch here, reporting live from - what?" he stops to listen to his little goblin assistant, muttering, "we're not live? oh, right." Clearing his throat he starts again, "your majesty, King Tyr, inquiring minds want to know... the TRUTH. Rumour has it that Helheim is sponsoring the Meatgrindah. I've heard, from very reliable sources, that you will be insisted that the Great and Glorious Gaboon move the Meatgrindah into Upper Helheim in a bid to increase trade and profits for the 'huts of many pebbles'. Do you deny this power move?" Tyr wondered why he had agreed to this when he saw the Goblin. He had only taken up the offer to appease those greenskins in the forest, however at this point regret was running rampant. The feeling was only solidified when the first question came. The King refrained from leaning over the table and throttling the little gobbo instead he motioned to the servant to serve him up some the Tusks delicacies, the ones he had heard they were selling at the previous event, the food had been placed on a platter which was then lay down in front of the Gobbo Interrogator " Although I would love to benefit from the roaring success of the MeatGrindah which was a stroke of genius on the Gorguns part, I could not possibly do a better job than the Tusks are doing right now hosting it, they are a true benefit to Helheim and have brought much Glory to my reign and also their Tribe, the Gorgun is a mastermind." Tyr clicked his tongue reaching for his goblet of wine, a long drink before he raised it " I believe the term I am looking for is good mog". The King did indeed respect the Gorgun but the exaggeration of the Tusks lead was the best way to appease him and the tribe, diplomacy sometimes called for buffing up someone elses ego not just your own. "You heard it here first, folks! Helheim will be.... wait, what?" the goblin looked a little disgruntled when Tyr eloquently denounced the claims. "Fine," the goblin retorted and checked his notes before trying the next question, "Isn't it true that Helheim is having... ahem... underground diplomatic relations... with the DROW? And before you deny it, you should know, some of our scouts saw you in a compromising position with one of their kind just outside our camp! If that's not the definition of 'fringe benefits' I don't know what is! TELL THE TRUTH, YOUR MAJESTY!" Tyr would be sipping on his wine when he almost choked on it, the goblet was placed down on the table and the Kings eyes narrowed once again it took all his self control not to have some new Gobbo Skin boots fashioned. A suck on his teeth and a brief pause was enough for him to regain his composure, a brief gesture towards the offering he had made on the platter " I should think the Gorgun would be mightily upset that you have turned down my generous offer of nourishment." This gave the King time to think of an answer, he let out a chuckle " Inform the Gorgun I am offering 1 silver for the head of any Drow that has not pledged their sword to me." Wine in hand once more and another sip before he placed it down " Next Question." The goblin reached out and shoved food into his face, only chewing a bit before choking back the food. Crumbs got everywhere, he ignored them. "Me thinks he doth protest too much!" Snetch said in an aside to his poor assistant who was diligently taking notes. "Oh, all our readers will know about your contract, your majesty. You will be rolling in drow heads in no time at all. Now, on to IMPORTANT questions... I have it on good authority that you are attempting to create the greatest MCC collection in all of Sincadere! Is it true that you are buying up all the #1 Meatgrindah cards in the realm? What was the most expensive one you bought? who is your favourite champion? Tyr tried to hid his disgust at the Goblins table manner, he motioned to one of his servants " Please clean up the Goblin I think it would be a novel treat for him to be served, whatever he wants you shall provide." The poor servant looked like she had been run over by a centaur, such was the life working for a King. Now onto the important question, the meatgrindah cards. The King would click his tongue, he had not told anybody about his plan but he supposed this would be the best time " You are correct, I am in the process of collecting all the cards but not for my need to control everything, but as a roster of sorts. I in fact wish to offer the Tusks 10 silver if they shall put on a special meatgrindah, all the previous winners facing off in a battle royale." The King simply sat back and sipped on his wine, diplomacy came easily to the King. Snetch grinned at the poor servant who did her best to tidy up the goblin while avoiding eye contact. When Tyr mentioned TEN SILVER that got Snetch's attention again and he stared, open mouthed, at the king. "Woah," was all he managed. After a moment he recovered and leaned forward in the chair, giving Tyr a leveling kind of look (at least that's how he intended it). "Let's talk about diplomatic relations with the other realms. Like, the Jade Lotus Empire. Ugh seriously, those rabbits are biting off more than they can chew. I've heard, reliable sources, blah blah, that they've already set their sights on Helheim lands. As if their own lands weren't large enough, I mean, I suppose they aren't when you are blasting babies left, right and center... cause, you know.... rabbits. But tell me, in all honesty, Helheim's not just gonna roll over to this pretentious wave of fluffy cottontails- How do you intend to keep them out!?" Tyr would not watch the poor servant cleaning up the Goblin, even he had his limits. The next question was an easy one though and it would only require a few words to get his point across " If the Bunnies of the Empire wish to try once again to step on my toes then every business that serves food here in Helheim will have bunny stew on the menu." The King smiled and tilted his head towards the Gobbo "Let us remember that when you publish this interview, for if it is not the truth then the Bunny stew will have a sprinkling of Gobbo spice." He smirked leaning back into his chair " Now that is good mog." The goblin recoiled in his seat. Not as much as he would if the Gorgun was threatening him, but he still valued his life and was smart enough to realize that the king could do some lasting damage. "Alright, okay, point made, your highness. Let's talk about the Cabbala then... very reliable sources have informed the Goblin Gossip Network, that the Headmistress of the Cabbala Collage of Obscene Arts... YOUR MOTHER IN LAW... is also actually your, how should we put this... 'tutor'." He speaks to his assistant, "put that in quotes, tutor, it's innuendo and the readers need to know." Looking back at Tyr he adds, "she's, like, ten times your age.. I bet she has lots to teach you." Tyr would smile as his point was made, however when the next question was posed to him he let out a chuckle. He clicked his tongue, how would he play this, he decided on a direction which would no doubt cause ripples in the Cabbala and possibly some strife between the Headmistress and The Hound " I shall answer this question off the record." He leaned forward beckoning the Gobbo forward and would whisper to him " Oh she does have much to teach, so much in fact I believe it would turn that greenskin of yours pink." The King leaned back rolling his shoulders " Remember that was just between us." He knew the Gobbo would run and tell everyone, score one to the King. The goblin had the decency to look scandalized, grinning and nodding that he would ABSOLUTELY keep the king's secret. "Tell me now about the Seekers Consorts. Is it true that your own daughter is heading up a guild of high paid prostitutes? oh, sorry, consorts. How do you feel about that kind of sexual promiscuity from your own daughter? or was it your idea?" Tyr would nod, clearly the Goblin caught his drift. Though when the next question was poised the King would attempt to side step the Question " If this was true my little green friend, that would make me rather perverted, so perverted that perhaps that tight little green ass may get filled with royal seed." He leaned forward once more attempting to get right into the Gobbos ear " So do you really want to know the answer to that question." The goblin recoiled again, hopped off his chair and backed toward the door, "this is suppression! oppression!! You're behind Elf-ternative facts! I HAVE IMMUNITY!" He made a break for the door, his voice heard down the hall as he screamed, "JOURNALISTIC IMMUNITY!" Tyr would raise a brow as the little green one ran from the castle a loud chuckle could be heard from the King as he called after the Gobbo " I shall send word to the Gorgun of my interest of keeping you here in the castle for a few nights, safe paths my sexy little greenskin." |
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