Dear Miss Scarlet, How do you get a goblin to like you? I confess, my efforts to woo my new boyfriend have proven quite difficult. He is nothing like my previous beaus, who have all been Nekoyami, so I wonder if this is a cultural gap? I do everything a good girlfriend should do! I tell him how handsome he is, how smart his is...I even talked him up to his big boss orc. I bring him home-made bento boxes for lunch when I can and leave little love notes for him. I know I work a lot, a gal's gotta earn a living, ya know, and I can't be there all the time. But... I really, really like him! I don't care that it is an unconventional match, or that the other cats gossip and say its inappropriate. He is The One. On a side note, do you have any recommendations on where to buy love potions? Sincerely, Not Kitten Around Dear Not Kitten Around, Your query is quite interesting as in all my time as an advice columnist I have never of such a pairing and believe me, I've had some interesting ones! The realm of inter-species dating is a fraught one as you are no doubt finding out as friends and family express their thoughts on the nature of your relationship. I myself believe that love knows no bounds or limitations and heartily encourage your connection. That being said, the situation does present something of a dilemma. It is readily apparent that your feelings are pure and true but your beau seems reluctant to acknowledge them, though I do not believe he is unaware of them. This bears a striking resemblance to a prior querent and I suggest you might do well to consult prior editions of Infernal Love. On one hand I could offer advice on how to better attract his attention (Shiny, bright colored objects, raw meat) or learn more of his culture (the tenants of Mog would be a good start) or even connect you with a love potion dealer (there is a shop in the Jade Lotus Empire and several reputable alchemists in the Cabbala Amartia). But be wary of a one sided relationship; a true pairing is close to fifty fifty and if he is unwilling or unable to at least try to meet you halfway then no amount of putting yourself out all the time will make him. And if indeed you truly feel he is The One then building a relationship on the foundation of chemical inducement will only last as long as the potion does. As is often the case my prescription for you is communication. Have a conversation with him about your concerns, ask the hard questions and be clear about your feelings. In the end, despite your desires and best efforts, you may find that he is simply not into a relationship and as hard as that could be to take, it's better to ascertain that sooner than later. Dear Miss Scarlet,
Currently I dwell in a place far different than where I grew up and with the coming of the holiday season I have sought to reconnect with friends and family in the land I grew up in. Much time has passed since my last visit and while I feel I am a much better person and in a better place in life, I cannot say the same for the people and place of my youth. Once the fond memories wore off, I found that friends that were once close have drifted apart; I was treated quite badly, with outright suspicion and even hostility when I tried to share the things I have learned, and feel many one time family have turned their backs on me. A place that once brought me joy and happiness now seems to be a toxic cesspool in comparison. I want so badly to have what I did once before, especially around this time of year, but this has left me feeling isolated and depressed. What can I do? -Alone for the Holidays Dear Alone, Your missive is not typical fare for my column as it has little to do with Love, Lust, and dating. Perhaps it's just the time of year but I couldn't help but feel a pang of longing myself as I too live in a place much different from my upbringing. It is indeed very sad to find loved ones turned away and grown distant and to look upon a once fond place with new insight that reveals the cracks and crevices we once blithely ignored. They say that you can never go home again and while I have no idea who 'they' are, I feel they are quite right. Take solace in the fact that you have grown and bettered yourself and made a new life. I truly wish that I could offer some happy explanation or a simple fix, but people will never change unless they truly want to and no amount of seeking their approval will gain you what you have lost. There is a big wide world out there of new experiences and new chosen family to be found and we must all shoulder the burden of looking ahead and enjoying where we are at rather than trying to reclaim the past. Happy holidays and until next time, dear readers, I remain, Miss Scarlet The valiant inhabitants of Helheim, taking up the cause of progress, braved the choppy, treacherous seas to claim their prize. A mighty whale, one of the biggest ever seen, was taken down by these stalwart sailors. The beautiful Goddess Dormia smiles down upon Helheim for their industry. One notable sailor was Count Brokil, an orc of renown, representing his tribes people with honour by delivering the final blow. The dock will be busy all week stripping the carcass down. Every inch of the behemoth will be used to the benefit and glory of Helheim! Hail Tyr! Our resplendent Monarch of good fortunes!
An origin story for Winter Feast. (Spoof based off ultimate holiday movie… Die Hard) Written by Yasu and Old Man Sushi Act 1 Yasu walks up to the stage nervously, this being the first time she was narrating a Kabuki play, and directing it. Stupid Yisu… she was off gallivanting with that hoodlum, Mick again. Last she heard, he was in prison! A convict at that. Her sister had such poor taste. It was disappointing… Yasu shook her head, focusing on the task at hand, shuffling her notes and script. Old Man Sushi had ANOTHER rewrite… five minutes before the play. AND he changed the whole premise! She grumbled and mumbled as she heard the other cats prepare the first scene. A hooded spotlight lantern, held by a cat delicately balancing itself on the stage rigging, shone a light on her. Clearing her throat, she spoke, “Twas the night before Winter Feast, when all through the realm, not a creature was stirring, not even a nekoyami.” Yasu stopped and stared at her page. This isn’t what was agreed upon. Besides! It was plagiarism. She was sure she had seen something like this before… She cleared her throat, and decided to do some impromptu, “The stage is set, and the feast is ready. Kabuki-Cat Theater would like to present our Holiday Special, ‘Feast Hard’. The curtains were drawn open, revealing a collection of nekoyami feasting around a table. There were three nekoyami suspiciously dressed in the fashions of JLE, HH, and Cabbala. The table itself had a bountiful display of sushi across it, with a modest sign going across the entirety of the front of the table with a “Crouching Sushi, The Best Sushi in ALL of Sincadere” plastered on it. The actors were actually eating the sushi, not realizing the curtain had opened. Yasu pinched her brow off-stage and shook her head. They weren’t supposed to -eat- the food. The hooded lantern shone on a lone nekoyami dressed elaborately compared to the rest. She had fae wings strapped to her back, and she would hunch her shoulders rapidly to flap them. She spoke, “I am Vesperan, Fae of Winter Feast. I am both the Spirit of Giving… and if you piss me off, the Spirit of Taking. But in order to not offend the great Kami of Winter Feast, we shall name the Spirit of Giving as Mc’Claneu-san, and the Spirit of Taking as Hanso-san. Please don’t take offense, oh great spirit of Winter Feast. We nekoyami love our presents!” She bowed deeply in reverence before continuing on. “I am on my way to an O’fice party feast with the first people… the pur… pu… The Purinas.” Yasu facepalmed herself off to the side as the fae cat couldn’t remember the word Puritans… even worse, all the nekoyami around the table were nodding in encouragement. Mc’Claneu-san made her way over to the table to feast with the others. The spotlight focused on Yasu again, the cats on stage feasting on sushi… not acting… actually feasting. She sighed before resuming from her script. She had been making vast edits to the rewrite during the first scene. “All was well at the O’fice Party feast, and much merriment was to be had.” Yasu paused mumbling as she struck out a line on the page, and furiously scribbled for a moment, “But HARK! What do we see? Four big bad gaijin (foreigner) gods and the Spirit of Taking, Hanso-san! They all have katanas and they mean business!” Four Nekoyami came storming through the crowd, making a belligerent ruckus as they made their way to the stage. At their head, a fifth nekoyami, just as elaborately dressed as Mc’Claneu-san, but with bat wings on their back. He too hunched his shoulders rapidly to flap his wings. Hanso-san spoke once all five were on stage. “We have come to TAKE your feast,” he emphasised the word ‘take’. “It is a mighty and bountiful feast, but we are mean and I TAKE things.” He emphasized again. All five nekoyami stopped short… The only thing left on the table was a legion of scraps… with the occasional uneaten piece scattered. “We… ummm… have come to take your… ummm feast!” Yasu just sighed from her narrator’s podium. The five gods went to the table and pretended to pull all the feast into sacks, pulling the meager scraps into the bags they carried. Mc’Claneu-san, ninja rolled off her bench and went “NINJA!”, throwing down a smoke bomb that sent ALL nekoyami on stage coughing. When the smoke cleared, there was no Spirit of Giving! She had vanished like she was part of the night herself. The four ancient gods of Sincadere and Hanso-san searched for her, the amazement only partially an act, cause some even looked off-stage for her, and she was nowhere to be seen. Those that would notice, would see she was silently giggling up on the rigging, putting a pawed finger to her lips to tell the crowd to be quiet. Act 2 The curtain closed, and a loud scraping of the table filled the theatre space, as it was being moved behind the curtain. The noise drowned out Yasu as she started to narrate the next scene with the spotlight shining down on her. She was too absorbed in editing her script, as she narrated, and didn’t realize she hadn’t been heard. Her arms opened wide in broad gestures, dramatically giving the oration of her life, even while one hand was furiously scribbling on the paper. Finally the table stopped making its yowl-inducing noise, her voice eventually carrying over the audience, “... and there were five henchmen waiting for her. She lay in wait for the opportunity to free her people.” She looked up and smiled at the crowd, pleased with her edits and performance. The stage was set as the heavy table. It wasn’t well thought through though, sitting in the corner with all the ‘Purinas’ tied up, and the five hostage takers holding their katanas, waving them at the hostages. The hostages, including the three suspiciously-dressed Purinas, were passing around quarter-loafs of bread and small glasses of water between them, TECHNICALLY more than what their captors had at this point. But they were putting on a good show of famine. Five new nekoyami stood in loose formation in front of Hanso-san, all dressed alike in ninja garb. “‘And when the Empress saw the breadth of her domain, she wept, for there were no more realms to conquer’,” the Spirit of Taking quoted randomly, yet perhaps with a deeper meaning. “I need you five henchmen to find the Spirit of Giving, and kill her. She will NOT ruin MY Winter Feast. I have taken hostages to ensure she will not take my…” Hanso-san would look at the pitiful empty sacks of the feast. “I have taken hostages to ensure she will not take my Feast!” Two ninja went to the opposite end of the stage, looking for Mc’Claneu-san, who was still up in the rickshaw of a stage rigging. The rigging creaked loud and looked like it was going to buckle, but the Spirit of Giving was small and light on her feet. She dropped down to the stage, and kung fu attacked one of the henchmen, while the other purposefully ignored her to search a few meters away for her. Mc’Claneu-san took a knife to her shoulder, and she yowled, but not before she pretended to twist the nekoyami’s head savagely. “Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother-F’er.” she said as he fell to the ground. She hardcore pulled the knife from her shoulder and proclaimed, “I have a knife now! Ninja vanish.” She faded back into the shadows. In the shadows, a loud URK! was yelled, and the spotlight swung to its source. In a chair, one of the henchmen lay dead in the chair with writing on his kimono, ‘Now I have a Katana, Ho Ho Ho’. This henchman was found by the second, still alive, of the original pair, and he ran off stage in fear. The stage darkened, and then suddenly two spotlights fell on opposite ends of the stage. One on Hanso-san, the other on Mc’Claneu-san, their backs turned away from one another. The Spirit of Giving was standing on a slightly raised platform on the far end of the stage from the table. Both brought their paw up to their head, as if in mental communication with each other. “Why are you doing this, Mc’Claneu-san?” Hanso-san asked. “Just a Fly in the ointment, Hans. The monkey in the wrench. The Pain in the Ass. I will not let you steal Winter Feast…” “I’m in charge!” Hanzo exclaimed. "Oh, You're in charge? Well, I got some bad news for you Hans, from up here. It doesn't look like you're in charge of kitty poop." McClaneu-san, stabbed, bruised now, and one arm hanging limp at her side, jumped off the raised platform and went back into the shadows. Yasu looked riveted toward the stage, even after the scene ended. As the spotlight shone down on her, she finally shook herself out of it. That was some darn good writing, even if she did say so herself. Damned Old Man Sushi and his liberties. She smiled to the crowd and spoke, “The Spirit of Giving was a benevolent spirit, she gave love and cheer. She embodied family, and sharing, and all the positive things that came from those original hardships. She gave gifts to all people of the realm, whether bad or good, because she doesn’t care about that, she just wants to give you her love. But let us not forget… you don’t mess with Winter Feast or she will *#@% you up.” Yasu was actually bleeping herself instead of cursing, a blush crossing her face at the near word of curse she had spoken. The spotlight dimmed on her once again. The light shone on the hostages, the four gods, and the Spirit of Taking, Hanso-san. The Cabbalan-looking Purina stood up and started laughing with Hanso-san. He spoke a brief line, stuttering, obviously a new actor, “I am glad you found out about our feast. I like being mean and betraying and taking. Screw you other Purinas, I am with them now.” He pointed to the gods and the Spirit of Taking. All six laughed, as the hostages cried and ate their crappy bread and water. The light faded from them, transitioning to the opposite end of the stage with the raised platform. Mc’Claneu-san was kung fu fighting with one of the henchmen. She used both knife and katana, though she was covered in her own blood, with wounds and scratches make-uped all over her body. Her kimono was in tasteful shambles. Finally she landed a stroke, and the henchman fell off the raised platform. The Spirit of Giving looked down over the edge at him and said, "Welcome to the Feast, Pal." in classic cheesy action one-liner fashion. Mc’Claneu-san hobbled off the platform, looking like she had been through a war, when she stopped at a part of the stage covered in what appeared to be glass shard bits. She looked to them, to the empty floor next to them, then to the shards… then looked at Yasu, who shrugged and blushed, and then back to the shards. She sighed, and started to walk quickly over them yowling for several moments during and after. She was one beat-up kitty. Was that real blood dripping off her on the stage? Their production value sure increased… or had it? The last surviving minion, the one that found the writing on the kimono, finally arrived to report back to Hanso-san. He appeared furious, “If none of you incompetent fools can do this, I will have to do this myself. It makes sense… I should be the one to TAKE a life.” He once again over emphasised the word take, as if everyone didn’t get what he was. He drew his katana, and stalked off out of the spotlight. Act 3
Yasu shot the actor who was playing the Spirit of Giving an apologetic look. Most of it was makeup, but she demanded sacrifices from her actors. That may have been real glass… for thematic impact. Yisu would demand no less. She cleared her throat, stuffing the heavy guilt upon her for the sacrifices made deep down into her belly. The spotlight shone upon her and she smiled at the crowd. “The stage was set for the last battle between Giving and Taking. If Mc’Claneu-san won, then the gods would be banished and the… ummm Feast would continue, and all would be happy. If Hanso-san won… forever would the gods rule with tyranny against the Winter Feast… and the Spirit of Taking would reign supreme as the heavyweight holiday spirit of the world… orld… orld… orld…” Yasu mimicked an announcer echo to perfection. The light dimmed, and a large light lit the center of the stage. In the center, both holiday spirits squared off on a large raised platform, slid into place from the far end for this scene. They were surrounded by the rest of the cast, hostages still on the ground and the bad guys standing… watching. Mc’Claneu-san stood, her hands raised, showing no weapons, while her katana was strapped to her back, ‘hidden’ from Hanso-san. “I… am… defenseless.” She acted badly. “Please… do… not drop your guard. I… have… no… weapons.” The bad nekoyami launched himself at her, his katana raised high. Some of the surrounding nekoyami were yelling, “Don’t fall for her trap!” But it was too late. “HA!” exclaimed the badly-wounded Spirit of Giving, as she tried to reveal her ‘hidden’ katana, but it got entangled in her straps. She yelled, “PAUSE SCENE!” She then took several moments, with assistance, to untangle the katana from the straps. She had it at the ready, when she said “UNPAUSE SCENE!” The scene continued, as both cats took up stances and did fantastical acrobatic leaps of kung fu, their katanas clashing with sparks as they passed each other. Mc’Claneu-san looked like she was about to fall over, but in one last lunge, she dramatically ‘skewered’ the Spirit of Taking. He fell to the ground laughing, looking up at the Spirit of Giving. “You are too late! If I can’t have Winter Feast, NO ONE CAN HAVE WINTER FEAST!” With that he yanked a cord that was on the ground, and all the cats scattered around them as a large trap door opened up toward the back of the stage. Then it happened. First one firework went off!... Spiraling into the air with a high pitched wheeze, exploding a short distance above the frozen lake and stage. Then another… until four or five of them shot off in rapid succession. But in typical nekoyami fashion, one of the firing tubes was misplaced and it hit the rigging… Mc’Claneu-san wet herself and looked on the fireworks display gone wild with huge explosions bursting above the crowd in a spectacular display of fire and sparkle. Meanwhile on the ground, the stage caught fire, and last seen was the Spirit of Giving jumping off the stage in a dramatic fashion, as a firework whizzed by just missing her. Long moments of what would later become, ‘The Great Firework Catastrophe’, happened, and luckily the Kabuki-Cat Theater can still claim that no loss of life to a nekoyami occurred during the production of a play. The fireworks ended and the support rigging for the stage was in shambles. Luckily a space was still clear so the show could go on, and the cast cautiously resumed their places. Yasu climbed up to her narrator’s podium, eyeing the destroyed stage with a critical gaze. Someone was going to get fired for that debacle. But as Yisu always said, the show must go on. She looked down on her notes and sighed. The set had been destroyed, the food eaten, and half her notes were singed. She threw the last two pages to the ground, lifting her gaze as she spoke, no spotlight available this time, “The realm was merry, and all throughout the land we celebrate Winter Feast with food and gifts in remembrance of harder times and when the gods took all from the humans. Whether Give or Take, the Spirit of Winter Feast will be upon us all, and may we bring a new year in for the realm! The End.” The rest of the nekoyami looked confused, but gave a half-hearted hooray, though it was obviously unrehearsed. One bag of scraps was recovered from the stage wreckage, and the cast started to eat from it, all of them humming an old-timey song to reflect the holiday. “Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon…” |
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