Have you ever visited the 'Great' city of Helheim, and were amazed at their street lights? Were you off put by the constant hum of gen-rators? Have you heard of this mysterious kami of the machine? Someone has uncovered the truth! This week, we asked the question, "Does the Machine God cause infertility!?" Keep an eye out for posters, and support the JLE cause!
As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. This one has it all folks. Another assault on one of our reporters... a fetching assistant quitting mid-interview... oh and the King of Helheim has trouble with his, uh... stuff. Read on! In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by the assistant! . . . Snetcharella adjusted her hair, piled high on her head like a beehive. It emphasized her short stature and long arms... made her more beautiful, if that was possible. Her dedicated assistant watched on with... dedication... as he took down the details of the upcoming interview. And why wouldn't he be awed by her pre- Snetcharella caught the handsome assistant's gaze and drew him back to the moment. Mog she was glorious. "So, Yisu of the Nekoyums, I'm glad to see you were brave enough to meet with us knowing what we know of your former Empress... Tsuiteru, the GOBLIN SLAYER," the reporter, arguably GGN's finest yet, said to the diminutive feline. "But we're not here to talk about murder... we're here to hear more about the Kabuki-Cats and their success as a multi-national spy unit. Tell me... what have you dug up on the king of Helheim?" Yisu was already happily working on her next set of posters to be oh so helpfully delivered around Helheim. Who knew the threat of war could be so prosperous for her advertising business. She'd wave a little paw at the goblins, splattering paint around. "The Great Grandmother with the Luckiest Belly. If she killed a goblin, its cause they rubbed counter-clockwise. ALWAYS. Rub clock-wise. Counter for bad-luck!" She tsked and booped the nearest goblin on the nose with a brush. Her ears perked. Spy Unit? Coins danced in her eyes for a few moments. "Oh! You haven't heard?! I guess that the King and Queen have to choose a new heir to the throne because the Princess is infertile. Can't have an heir that can't continue the family line, ya know? I heard its cause they live to close to that noisy machine. Maybe its messed up the King's..." She'd glance meaningfully down at the male goblin's crotch. "..."little swimmers" all mutated. Thats why their kids are so messed up?" Snetcharella leaned over the notes on her lap and answered in a stage whisper, "really? Isn't his virility like... his thing??" She sat back and shook her head, "no.. no... I'm here to talk about the Kabuki-Cats, not the king's technologically de-hanced fertility. What's it like? Stealing state secrets and selling them to the highest bidder? Do you sleep well at night knowing that you will always be alone because the... mission... always... comes... first?" Yisu shrugged her shoulder. "I don't know the fancy science of it. But what heir to a throne choose not to have more heirs? Don't make sense! Should rename the whole place to Conspiracy City." The cat laughed then frowned. "Steal? Are you kidding?! People tell us everything we need to know to make our plays. They PAY us to take their secrets and glorify them through the magic of theater.." She waved both paws in the air, though the next question made her gasp. "Alone? Oh no no no. I am a happily married Nekoyami now. Mick composed four ballads for me...and PAID...to have someone sing them to me." She lowered her voice a little more. "...we're like..Sincadere's Power Couple." Snetcharella, a beautiful goblin who was never at a loss for words... was at a loss for words. Eventually she managed to repeat some of the words from the kitten. "Sincadere's Power Couple? Is Mister Dagger aware of this, uh... development? We're interviewing him next about the debut album of the Meatbeatles... we WILL ask him about this." Clearly unimpressed with where this interview was going, Snetcharella tried once more to bring it back to task. "And what have you learned about the Jade Flower's nefarious plot to enslave all of Helheim while blaming it on the Cabbala? Hm? Do you plan to warn your 'husband'," Snetcharella used fingers to put literal quotes around the word husband, "who also happens to be a citizen of Helheim? or will you let him be oppressed along with the rest of the population?" Yisu looked as happy as could be. "Would he write that many ballads if he didn't know? Though.. I should go see him.." Her mismatched eyes squinted at Snetcharella, and she hopped up from her seat to compare heights. Hmm. They were similar height. Similar builds. Ideas started to bubble in that fuzzy little head. "I love the Meatbeatles!" She danced in place, totally fan-girling. "Enslave Helheim? Why would we wanna do that?! No sushi. No pinwheels. No Cat Island. No theater. Sure, its nice to visit, especially the docks for the fish. But enslave? Helheim does slavery, not the Empire." She leaned a little closer to Snetcharella. "...have you been standing too close to their machine god? Sounds like you got a case of the 'delusions'." She'd stare even harder. "You know, the last time a pretty goblin talked to my Mick, he went and cheated on me." The cat turned around to grab a tray from her stand, spinning around to whap the goblin on the head. Then she'd catch the male goblin's gaze, pointing a paw to herself. "Look at me. I'm Snetcheralla now." (The next words of the GGN article are smudged and illegible but continue on down the page) 'Snetcharella' stood over the downed feline, looking as fierce as ever with her beehive hair maybe a little crooked on her head. Thankfully her feline ears held it in place. "Yes, Snetcharella," the handsome assistant said, the tremor in his voice definitely not fear. "Shall we go to our next interview then?" . . . 'Snetcharella' checked her outfit a few more times before striding into the camp to meet with Mick, though she'd give a low hiss of a whisper to her assistant. "You just keep taking notes and after the interview, we'll get your friend ...and I'll give you both a rare Nekoyami doll for the trouble. Just can't have some goblin hussy talkin' to my Mick."
She'd then resume her performance and approach the WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS, the ONE and ONLY --- Mick Dagger. "Mick Dagger and the Meatbeatles... or is it just.. the Meatbeatles? Your rise to musical fame has been the buzz of the GGN. Tell us, who does your promotions?" Mick Dagger wasn't sure why he'd agreed to do an interview... probably only because it would promote the band which meant he could fulfill the king's command and thus earn back the #1 Aigie and Vaeros Meatgrindah card that the king was literally holding ransom. That fucker. He was pretty preoccupied by the looming threat of death from Vaeros which is why he likely missed the fact that 'Snetcharella' had fur and feline ears. "The Meatbeatles, yeah, we voted on the name.. that's pretty neat, have you ever voted? it's not a thing we do in the Tusk Camp normally, but... I've been thinking a lot about things like voting and," he glanced around before leaning in and whisper, "unions." As for promotions, "well, I was going to get my wife Yisu to do promotions because she runs the Kabuki-Cats and they advertise for a fee.... but she left me," he looked aside into the middle distance for a dramatic pause. 'Snetcheralla' swallowed hard. She was a true performer. She would NOT break character. The goblin that was totally not a Nekoyami in disguise leaned a little closer. "Voting? How... progressive of the Gorgun to allow such a thing. Or...are you unionizing right under his nose..." She'd poke his nose to emphasize her point. "Tell the truth, Mick. The Meatbeatles are just a front for your unionization of the goblins!" She trailed off, gasping. Mick thought she had left him for good?! The 'goblin' threw herself at Mick, throwing off her beehive wig. "Mick! Mick! Yes, I will promote for you! I just...had to know..you cared...! Lets get back in business together!" And like that -- The glorious Mick and Yisu Soap Opera....continued. So much for hard hitting journalism. Mick shrieked when 'Snetcharella' threw off her wig and launched herself at him. IT WAS AN ATTACK! From... someone who sounded just like Yisu. Whatever happened next is a mystery because, dear reader, this assistant QUITS! Sincadere Spring 31/03/2022 I know you all have one question burning in your minds. How is it that the evil deviants of the Cabbala are so good looking and amazingly fit? The answer lies not only on a carefully balance diet, particularly of scrumptious elves, but on lots of forced exercise. Why yes, living in the caves is a matter of survival of the fittest, from the meekest meat to the bravest evil, all enjoy the multiple torments and tournaments our home has to offer. Our latests, the Dragonfire Gauntlet, an exhibit of courage in face of monstrous adversity sprinkled with a hint of masochism, where six souls... five souls and a souless to be precise.. entered the arena to challenge three of the mightiest creatures the caves have to offer: Sapphira Shadow Drake, Kaiaa with her electric presence and Creature with its unsettling eyes ready to dine on those present. Such a famous event that even the royalty from the surface bear witness to it, probably trying to unveil the secrets of the caves. Their champion a beast hunter turned to guard, Vigil, showed an unusual bravado, fighting toe to toe with the Shadow Dragon. That is until he begged to end the fight in a tie. But the Drake used her honeyed tongue to change his mind. Oh pride! What a delicious sin it is. Not a minute after he resumed the fight, Sapphira tossed him to the skies. What a fight it was, the Dragons won the night, leaving some zapped, others squashed, all defeated under the might of their size. One may think that was the end of it, but oh dear reader you are mistaken. For not a week passed when the grand Warden's Cup Tournament took place. What a night for shattered spirits and splintered shields!. Twenty brave warriors from every corner of Sincadere pour into the Cabbala's Eye Arena to test their resolve. Orcs, elves, dark creatures and more, fighting in pairs for the pleasure of the blood sport and the cheers of the crowd. What a display of brute strength, grand techniques, and glorious courage our dear Warden had in store for us. The twenty savagely fought under one rule and one rule alone, everything goes!. They bit, stabbed, clubbed and blasted, until only two souls stayed on foot. The mighty Blue Chaos and Bara Boru who fought like rabid monsters, tenaciously beating up all competition. Let their names be carved in history as the first to win the mighty tournament.
I bid you goodbye surface dwellers, sleep well tonight, knowing that we lurk in the dark. Fit and ready to tear you apart. - R. Hangfire Gods bless the beneficent oversight of our magnificent Monarch King Tyr and the glory of Helheim!
Another ambitious excursion of our Helheim civil navy have provided a bounty of whale oil to our Queens Machine agenda. Our oceanic efforts have also provided a steady supply of whale blubber and fat for our extended enterprises. Such a bountiful result! Aidos and Dormia be praised! Penny Dawn was the one to take the behemoth down! Captain Araxi, Herald of the Engleton fleet, accompanied by Captains Lord Ralathos and Count Brokil -acting captains, conducted a pincer maneuver that provided the oceanic bounty that will ensure the prosperity of Helheim for many moons! Glory to the King and the Royal Family! Prosperity for all! Dockside notes: A strange mermaid and some sort of horned lizard sat beneath the surface observing things. Were they legends or myths?! Please join us on May 14th, 2022 for our next great Engleton Enterprise! As reported by Sin Today. After a disastrous flood, the Cabbala, led by the nefarious Daniella Travesty - The Silver Terror, has rebuilt the cavern into a dark paradise for the underground denizens. Cabbala's new home comes complete with cliff dwelling homes, a hanging arena, and a massive keep that is as imposing as those that live in the caverns. Without further adieu, Sin Today's very own travel guide: Mr. Noodle's Guide to the Cabbala Amartia* * Though presented in IC format, this is an OOC guide to the new Cabbala Rebuild. Like most oldtimey travel guides, this guide may be outdated as the build changes. _________________________________________________________________________________ Shared and Recommended Environment: Barcelona LZ TP Portal Image: Major Builds The Keep - The seat of power for the Cabbala. Mined from a cavern quarry made of obsidian, many slaves and mighty magic were used to build the new home of the Cabbala's Archon. The first floor houses both the offices of the Archon and their second in command, as well as the Throne Room above. On the second floor resides the Faction Lead and her 2ic's personal living spaces (Rentals). Beware the two main guard beasts Bob and Ross. The Cabbala College of Obscure Arts (CCOA) (Guild) - This mighty school of magic was built entirely by its own mystical arts, at the direction of their Headmistress, faculty, and students. It combines both new and familiar tones, housing the Verdant Branch healer's space in its basement below. It keeps a watchful gaze upon the new rebuilt cavern with its ornate stained glass window, overlooking the faction. Check out its updated library/classroom, and the new student dormitories. (Image shown above to the left) The Dark Merchants (Guild) - The third floor of the keep, only accessible by a dangerious cliff, with an entrance on the side of the Keep, or a high perch, houses the Dark Merchant's Guild hall. Where they do secretive and dastardly things in the name of Cabbala Amartia The Sentry Hall (Guild) - The last building that makes up the Keep's megacomplex, is the Sentry's Guild Hall. This is where they imprison captives, interrogate them, and house the factions most deadliest of guards. Made of the same stone as the Keep, its resident's are able and ready for dispatch at a moment's notice. It houses a mess hall, cells, torturing devices, and a place for the guards to relax. The Crystal of Power - Set in the central lake of the Cabbala, majestic in its power and simplicity. The Crystal of Power is the purest form of Arcanite Crystal, the Cabbala owns. It has a circle of warding to protect the crystal. The Crystal of Power is within sight of all the powerful denizens of the faction, any who dare to tamper with it, beware. Cliff Dwelling City - On the east end of the build lays the natural cliffs of the cavern, where, through magic and the backs of slaves, imps, and goblin alike, the residents made their homes carved into the cliffs. Both north and south are central plazas for gathering/socialization/torture. High above the buildings a high ledge runs along the length of the Cliff Dwelling City build for the more brooding and stealthy of types. This is where the Cabbala rentals are set, within the cliff dwelling build itself. Cabbala offers a small selection of apartment like rentals, and an equal handful of individual rentals spaced for privacy despite deceptive appearance. Buildings with no lighting in the windows are rentals. The buildings within the cliffs are broken up into Districts. Please reference under Landmarks....The Districts. The Arena - Held up by a great magical ritual, the magic constantly upkept by 6 large Arcanite crystals, of less purity than the Crystal of Power. Supported by giant spikes of earth, and massive chains in case the magic fails. The arena will be center stage to ceremonies and battles, much like the pit fights and monster mash fights of old. The Slaver's Tower/ Punishment Platform - The center for Cabbala slavery and punishment. This is where the Vinculum Servitas's head slaver trains other slavers and breaks slaves, providing the faction, and other interested parties a place to peddle flesh. Attached to the Slaver's Tower is the Punishment Platform. Used in the auction of slaves, and punishment for faction laws broken. The Bound Elf Cavern Tavern - One of the top social centers, where drink flows, to include the Tavern's infamous Hellfire Whiskey, the Bound Elf caters to all. Located in the sub-caves, near the main teleport entrance, and adjacent to the faction's Fool's Market. Whether you want to sit at a table with friends, cuddle up on a couch, or punish/torture a slave (on a stage or in a cage), the updated cavern tavern has it for you. The proprietor sits on their throne overlooking customers and employee alike. The Bound Elf has a full service (lewd) kitchen is regularly supplied by a small dock used for deliveries and dumping of bodies that the Kraken promptly cleans up. The Fool's Market - The main teleport entry for the faction resides at the end of the Fool's Market. A series of market stalls and carts housing an eclectic collection of wares. The market is split in two by a narrow rock wall, housing two lanes of stalls for buyers to peruse. The faction's magic shop sits at one end of the market. Player ran businesses can be ran out of the handful of available stalls for use. But beware, those that don't follow the market's rules are fed into the world famous Meat Grinder. As you leave the market, don't forget to say bye to Chompers, the later gater on your way out.Minor Builds The Hound's Den (Opium Den and Brothel, provides services in Spa Baths.) - A den of decadence, this is where one can come to buy a variety of drugs, drink, and prostitutes. Persian in theme, sample their wares either in dark private areas, in the rooms above (Themed: Punishment and Pleasure), or take them to the faction's Spa Baths to relax in a bath. The Den is owned by The White Hound, ex-faction lead, where she serves the faction now as its premier Madam. The Waterway - Under the waters, is a forest of red grass and kelp. Beneath the Crystal of Power, in the deepest of underwater pits, a kraken resides, sealed away below, ready to be unleashed by the Archon, at their whim. A sacrificial post resides on the seal, to release or strengthen it at the Archon's whim. A stone underwater alter and seating available for aquatic denizens. Dark Primitive Conclave - Tucked away into the cliffs, there is an alcove that houses a primal crystal. Where there are pictographs on the walls of beasts and wild things. Dark underdark dwellers, with no culture or society worship this crystal, welcoming any who can give into their primal and darker instincts. A bonfire ever burns, casting shadows into the alcove's depths. The Blood Cave (Witches' cave/Cabal cave, dark ritual cave/deerskull cave) - Hidden within the cliffs in the cavern resides a cave. There is a rusted iron gate, and once you enter, you will soak your feet in the blood of many Cabbala enemies. Power is drawn from this blood and from the wood, much like the Traitor's Grove, has souls to be used in dark arts. It has been noted, it is a favored location of the current Faction Lead/Archon, Dani, The Mighty Silver Terror, as she practices her dark arts against her Faction's enemies. It is also good place to fuck in blood. The Dark Church - A general build to house cult and dark entity appeasement RP. The pews and alter are lewd. The Traitor's Grove - The enemies of the Cabbala can be venerated and respected, even if they fall before the faction's might. There is an even worse enemy than external threats, and that is those that fester within. The answer to those disloyal to the faction, and the ultimate punishment for treason, is Traitor's Grove. A grove of trees, twisted by dark magic to absorb the souls of all those that hang from their limbs. The left over corpses are free to eat by any of the citizens of the Cabbala, and those that are not are cultivated and eaten by the sentient trees that tend and guard the grove. The Watch Tower (Not what you think) - A deerskull building, open to all that wish to play or view the exotic scenery of the faction build. It offers a great vantage to view the waterfall, and other parts of the build, centrally located as it is. The Spa Baths - Open and free for all to use, these refreshing baths, offer seclusion and intimacy. The purple bath has healing properties, and there is a small social cove beneath the waters under the bridge for aquatic creatures. One may purchase any of the Hound's Den's services while relaxing in the Spa Baths. The Hedge Maze - The only naturally green thing cultivated within the cabbala. Grown with magic, not only do they look pretty, but they house deadly thorns. There have also been rumors that dark things travel the hedges. Some go in, and never come out. But that is only an unlucky few, inconsequential. Each dead end houses a fun little surprise, and at the heart of the maze is a pleasant social area to torture slaves and minions, while drinking a refreshments. Crafter Area - A general crafter's area for any to use. a Number of services is Blacksmith, tailoring, pottery, tannery as visual indicators. But this is an appropriate RP venue for any crafting RP, for example: carpentry, masonry, and glass blowing to name off a few. most of the stalls have some form of lewd furniture. Landmarks The Pride of Vaeros - A large phallus shaped rock outcropping that crowns The Mausoleum Graveyard. The name is fondly whispered when talking about the landmark, in name of their founder. Agitate the fauna at the tip to spew the ex-founder's glory all over the new Cabbala. The Districts - Sections of the Cliff Dwelling are broken up depending on the shelf fungus glowing high above. Facing toward the waterfall, from left to right you have: Red District, Purple 1 District, Blue 1 District, Green District, Blue 2 District, Purple 2 District. Each district corresponds to a crystalized mana fungus build near, whose magic is the cause of the surrounding fungal coloring. Food Stalls - Food Stalls are strewn throughout the cavern as a source of food to the people of the Cabbala. Details of Interest Crystalized Mana - As before, mana bubbles from the earth, and forms crystallized mana. There is purple and blue mana, which is common and in abundance throughout the cavern and in surrounding caves. Then there is the more rare green and red mana crystals. Cultivation and special rituals brought back these mana pockets strong than ever, influencing the surrounding local fauna. Mana can be seen bubbling out of the ground in glowing veins, which in turn are crystallized into glowing crystals. Surrounding each crystal cluster is a small scene of similarly colored fungus and mushrooms. Caves/Entrances - There are two entrances into the caves to the north, near the Slaver's Tower area on the first level. The second cave entrance is to the south, near the Mausoleum Graveyard. Much of the caves were the victims of cave ins, the only thing that remains of the extensive tunnel system is a path leading from north to south, an entry into Helheim's sewers, and a cavern where the Arcanite is mined. (Cave system will be a soon to be released update in a month or two time.) Waters of The Cabbala - The water flows from sources above, as a constant source of water that flows through blue mana crystals. Those that drink and swim in these waters feel no side effect, the only result is minerals being filtered and a bio-luminescent blue glow to the water. The waters are home to a few jelly fish like creatures, the Kraken, and any aquatic denizens in the faction. Way to Nascentia - On the east end of the waterway, under the waterfall, lays a tunnel to the waters of Nascentia. This will be a trans sim teleport to the second sim, Nascentia. Portal into Cabbala - At the south east end of the build, nestled within the Fool's Market, adjacent to the Bound Elf Tavern. All portals are redirected to this portal, except ones specifically tailored to bypass the main portal. Black Obelisks - At times, used to attune to the ley lines feeding into the cavern. The purpose of these monolithic obelisks are only known to the leaders of the Cabbala. Stalag Grass and Red Ferns - Due to the nature of the crystalized mana, small groupings of stalagmites and red fern has grown as a natural byproduct of the ambient magic of the cavern. Credits Builders: Mr. Noodle, Fantasy, Aigie
Builder Assistants: Bri, Seth, Noodle Asset Ideas and Donations: Daniella Travesty, Molly Editorial Review of Jakova Reese’s 'How the Other Cats Live'
Gritty. Emotional. And a sincere call to action, Jakova Reese’s newest work gives us a deep dive into the highly stratified realm of the Jade Lotus Hierarchy. Using new picture technology (with mild magical edits) this tour de force work depicts the plight of the Nekoyami people in a palpable genuineness never captured before. This work contrasts the duality of the Jade system. Like a gilded coin, the golden exterior of lavish Jade opulence is mitigated by an undercurrent of brutal systematic oppression predicated upon race. With these visceral photo-realistic representations, you’ll be left at the edge of your seat readying for a call to action against the savage behavior of the Jade power brokers. Grade: A+ Please stay tuned, this is a multi-part series that will deliver an expose that will leave you the viewers speechless! Welcome to today's Bounty Broadsheet. Here's how this works.
Today's targets include, Accotza, ((Krokheimer Resident)) Dangerous and impulsive. Wanted for making threats against the King of Helheim through a third party. The reward is 8s.
Our other target is, Derizael, ((derin.swenson)). WANTED ALIVE. He is to be considered EXTREMELY hostile and dangerous. Do NOT attempt this bounty on your own. Known to use lightning and hellfire. Approach with EXTREME caution. The reward is 7s. The Bounty Broadsheet does not condone nor deny the content of a bounty description which is provided by the supplicant at the point of contractual agreement. The Helheim Herald is pleased to present the musical styling of Guardsman Maximilian Smith. ((Click on this link and press "P" to play the music or read the lyrics below)). On the 18th day of March,
Under the midday sun, We had formed the line for action, mi boys At four o'clock begun! Brave Aurora to the fleet did say, The gods shall prosper us this day, Give them the broadside, fire away! On board a man-o-war. From broadside to broadside, The cannonballs did fly. Like hailstones the small-shot, Around the decks did lie. Both mast and riggings were shot away, Along with many on that day, Who had fell or were wounded in the fray, On board a man-o-war. Our soldiers and sailors, Many noble deeds have done, While fighting in the foreign, Many battles they have won. May heroes of old bear witness there, And all of history declare, There is none with Aurora can compare, On board a man-o-war. As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. The Goblin Gossip Network is out there, in the trenches, every day bringing you, the hardworking individuals of Sincadere the best and most reliable news you can hope for. Our latest series of interviews surrounds the leadership of the realms. Once again we are starting with the best, richest and most formidable faction (we were not paid to say that), Helheim. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. I took an assistant with me to the interview, though we both barely made it out alive. At the time of this publication there were four candidates running for seats on Helheim's Parliament. Read their stories below... find out who was accused of murder and who talks about getting off! Which candidate stole from the interviewers and who has plans to blend styles when re-upholstering their parliament seat! . . . Snetcharella settled into her seat, her feet dangling off the ground on the human-sized chair she'd been given. "Counter Isod, thank you so much for meeting with me. As Sincadere's ONLY reliable news source, GGN is excited to be meeting with you today. Please ignore my assistant, he's only here to record our conversation," she said of the very handsome assistant, no doubt picturing him naked and covered in various delicious foodstuffs... "So tell me, Counter Isod, are you as good at counting as Counter Brokil? It is a well documented fact that Greenskins are far better in all things than other races... do you feel intimidated by this?" Vykaldir sat calmly, almost placid as he watched the comparatively hyperactive and chaotic goblins. His voice remained devoid of emotion or expression as he listened to the question, a brow perking ever so slightly the only gesture seen. He considered the question for a moment before responding, his voice confident and paced carefully, a man thinking three words ahead, it would seem. "I assure you, Goblin intelligence, leading among greenskin, is well known across all of Sincadere. My own education, by comparison, shall be no threat to your good reputation I promise. I was tutored at a young age. Mathematics, history, foreign languages, business management and the whatnot. But I am sure it was a massive waste of my time compared to the learning you've done in your life." Snetcharella was really smart, and beautiful too, so her assistant thought anyway. She took the compliments, well deserved as they were, and beamed at Vykaldir. "Now don't be too hard on yourself," she demurred graciously, "not everyone can have access to Goblin ingenuity. But you have a far more insidious skill we should talk about... like, how come there are no other candidates for Upper Helheim? I HEARD, from reliable sources mind you, that you had all your potential competition MURDERED. The rash of Werewolf attacks in Helheim? all orchestrated by you as a cover up for the missing citizens who might have run for parliament." It didn't seem to matter that no one knew an election was coming until just the other day, well after the werewolf attacks, Snetcharella must have detected a much broader and insidious plot that was invisible to those far less intelligent. Vykaldir actually chuckled at that. "I can assure you, as far as the Guard is aware, the werewolf attacks have resulted in no casualties. Further, I am no werewolf as is plainly known, and controlling such creatures is a truly difficult prospect." He paused for a breath before continuing. "I think the only reason I am the only candidate at this time, is because it is still so early in the race. I've been thinking on running for the past few months now in truth, and preparing, so my mind was made up when the election was called. Others who might be eligible for the seat, simply haven't chosen to run as yet or at least haven't decided if they have the time to invest in such massive work. In the announcement I sent out about my candidacy, I invited other candidates for the seat to engage in public debate with me, and I meant that. I truly hope that if I am elected, it is a good and fair election where the best candidate has won, and not simply because I was the only candidate." Snetcharella made a note, uselessly since her assistant was capturing the entire affair, and eyed Vykaldir as she did so. "Uh.. HUH," she said, regarding his statement, "is that what we're calling murder these days? 'Preparing' for months?" Getting agitated she climbed onto her seat and pointed her superfluous pencil at him, shouting, "TELL ME THE TRUTH, COUNTER! You invited others to debate you KNOWING THERE WAS NO ONE TO DEBATE! I would also like to take the time to point out your rapid ascent in the ranks of the Helheim Guard. It was just," she checks her notes while resuming her seat, "7 days ago, that you joined the guard... according to my VERY RELIABLE sources and you're already the Gorgun? What's up with that?" Vykaldir shifted slightly, lifting a glass of water to sip at it for a moment before setting it down. Of course he used the chance to think a little on his response before speaking. "When I say preparing, I mean reaching a decision on if I have the ability, time, and energy to invest in serving Helheim from a seat in Parliament. The work is not something to take lightly. When I issued by invitation to debate, it was in the hopes of inspiring others to run, in the hopes of giving the people a choice, and a chance to see their candidates do more than make speeches." He considered her questioning about his guard history, chuckling a little. "Actually. I enlisted in the Helheim Guard back at the end of November, very early December. Around the time of the last elections. But I had only just arrived in the city, a humble guard without noble title, or rank. I had served as a village Guard for thirty years before, in villages on the outskirts of Helheims territories. My rise in ranks here in the city has been due to my ability to serve, and to oversee the Royal Guard, as witnessed by the Field Marshal, the King of Helheim, and even the current members of Parliament, and their decisions about my promotion are not something I have any control over. It was Parliament that approved my promotion to Colonel, and it actually came as a surprise to myself and the Field Marshal. While we had expected such a move, we envisioned it being long in the future, as she took more of Helheims Navy under her command and I assumed command over day to day activities of the Guardsmen." "In all truth, when I came to Helheim, I had intended to rise to Sergeant and serve for a time. A humble ambition. And I had planned to retire from Sergeant to develop my House and pursue politics. Helheim needed my plans to change, to grow, and they have. I hope to be able to prove to people during my campaign that I am able to rise to the needs of Helheim, as I've proven to my superiors in the Guard, to the King, and to Parliament time and time again." Snetcharella still did not look convinced, but her assistant sure did... if the assistant could vote, he would totally vote for Vykaldir! "I see that your skills of dissembling are masterful, Counter Isod, but I remain unconvinced of your sincerity! I have a nose for trouble," indeed she did, a very generous nose that was set in her beautiful face, "and you, sir, reek of it!" The dashing assistant had never seen Snetcharella in such a state and concerned for her overtaxed heart he stepped in to say, "I believe what veteran reporter Snetcharella is trying to say is that despite not having any competition you may still find your work cut out for you, sir... and at this time I believe the interview is over." Snetcharella rest in her chair, drenched in sweat and limp from all the energy exerted... she looked like she'd just pulled a cord and had a bucket of water dumped on her lithe form. She gave no protest to ending the interview and allowed herself to be escorted from the room. Vykaldir openly chuckled as the pair of goblins spoke in turn. "If i may add but one thing to the interview, or at least your own curiosity, is that yes, I reek of trouble. I am a Guard. My job has been to wade knee deep into the filthiest of messes. To throw myself before the biggest of threats. To get dirty so Helheim may stay clean. To bleed, so Helheim may remain unharmed. To risk myself, so Helheim may stand strong. Yes, I reek of trouble. Because as a Guard, my world is to prevent trouble. And I for one hope I have my work cut out for me. If it were easy work, I woudlnt have considered putting my name in for consideration. I would like to thank you for the interview, and the GGN. I have taken great pleasure in reading your articles and look forward to seeing what you write." OF course he'd make no move to stop them from departing after that. . . . Snetcharella was run ragged by all these Helheim interviews and yet still somehow managed to appear as impeccably dressed as Aigie of the CCOA, or at least that's what her dashing assistant felt. "Minister Ked'Sena, I'm so grateful you are willing to meet with Sincadere's PREMIER news source, the GGN, you can rely on me to make sure your story is told with the highest regard to integrity possible." She paused for dramatic effect and continued, "now, as Helheim's reigning Greater Minister you must have a lot of thoughts about your running mate, the notorious and much beloved Squat the Goblin. How are you handling feeling shaken the core by being up against such a prestigious name? Are you concerned about your chances of winning the race?" Ked’Sena smiled warmly as she watched and listened to her interviewer speak. Brightly she smiled and responded. “I had the fortune of meeting Teef Squat and we shared a wonderful conversation. As a fellow member of the tribe, I feel we bonded rather well. In true Tusk’s tradition, it is good Mog to compete. The strongest and truest ideals can only be forged and tested through competitiveness…as for concerns about my chances… I have no concerns that the people of this nation will vote for whomever best reflects their aspirations and concerns.” Snetcharella clearly wasn't expecting that kind of response so she was quiet for a little bit, pretending to check notes that were completely unnecessary because her assistant was standing RIGHT THERE. "I see," she stated flatly before clearing her throat. "Very well, Minister Ked'Sena, what can you tell me about the rumours that if you are elected you will be forcing all of your constituents to adhere to the tenants of Mog?" She stopped as her dashing assistant leaned in to whisper something to her. "What? Oh crap... I mean that you'll be forcing all of your constituents to adhere to the Axiom of the Basilica?" Whispering back to her assistant she added, "good catch, thanks." Ked’Sena listened and observed as a faint smile appeared at the corners of her lips. Shaking her head slowly. “Though the teaching of Mog as well as the teaching of the Basilica do sing from the same place of heart on many things. A district minister’s job is to embody the will and the voice of their constituents. It is also to put great resistance from anything outside of that from skewing that elected minister away from reflecting their people the represent digeliantly. I take that responsibility very much true to my heart and everyday I get the continued opportunity to be Greater Helheim’s elected minister… is an honor.” Snetcharella listened with grudging respect that she tried to disguise behind a passive aggressive smirk. "I see, I see... well, one final question, Minister Ked'Sena... if you are elected again... will you be re-upholstering your seat? and if so, will you be buying that fabric from the local tailor or outsourcing to another realm for something a bit more unique?" Ked’Sena pleasantly did not expect that question but continued her smile as she thought it over. “Sadly I do not have an official seat as Parliament meets in the castle and the decor is up to the crown. If I did have a seat fashioned…I think a combination of things. Molly, the local tailor in Greater Helheim has a wonderful selection of fabrics and designs..yet I personally like the style and craftsmanship of Tusk’s hide workers. So if I ever did get the opportunity..I think I would like to see what a blending of cultures and styles might produce…Maybe something new and beautiful.” Snetcharella snaps closed her book (where did that come from?) and stood up. "Well.. thank you again for your time, Minister Ked'Sena," she said pleasantly enough, though by her tone she might as well have been saying 'I got my eye on you' instead. . . . Snetcharella had prepared a feast for this interview, even permitting her handsome assistant to partake before welcoming Helheim's latest candidate to the Parliamentary election. "Ah, Squat, so nice to see you. How are your people? Thank you for meeting with the Goblin Gossip Network, we're very excited to tell your story. Now, I'm not going to hold back just because you're a goblin, you can expect all the hard hitting questions coming at you rapid fire so brace yourself!" She paused for a moment after her warning and then rapidly fired those hard hitting questions. "Do you prefer red or blue meat beetles? What is your favourite type of mud soak? and what is your best selling item?" Squat faces Snetcharella with a straight face, setting her pack down and swallowing three eggs back to back while she rattles off her warnings. "Wotchya, Snetcharella, goodly gobbie questions do the hardzest of hittzin'! Tusks bees fresh from bath day, yes yes, all sparkly and shiny green, as is goodly, yes yes!" She cheers enthusiastically and grabs onto the edges of the table, bracing herself, grinning nearly ear to ear to have another goblin in front of her who is not under constant threat of a whip. "Red goes faster, it bees known! River flood silt in rain season, best sellzin' item bees stories, loses nothzing in the tellzin' all profit all time, yes yes!" She answers in one breath, returning fire with "It bees so goodly to be hazzin' you's in camp, Primals bless the Goblin Gossip Network, who knows where we'd be without the knowzin' that Hen'butt bees proud of him's butt?" Snetcharella nods sagely, "mhm, mhm, all great answers, Candidate Squat and I expected nothing less from a goblin of your renown. Tell me, do you feel a sense of pity for your opponent for the Greater Helheim seat? When you win, how will you handle it? What our readers want to know is... will you murder and eat her so she doesn't have to live with the shame of her loss? or will you allow her to live and then tell stories of her defeat to emphasize for her that you are the bigger person... proverbially speaking if not literally speaking." Squat takes a moment to breathe between questions, her nostrils flaring as she just about inhales a mushroom from its roasting spike. "Squat does the feelzin' of no pity, is goodly choosytimes, so goodlyfolks make choice. We's seven and ten suns from doin' the knowzin' who bees the winner at time of speakzin', so all Squat can do bees givzin' out hamphlets and doin' the goodlytalkzin' to goodlyfolks of Helheim. If Squat does the winnzin' Squat will do the askzin' of Dubok to hold Squat up, so Squat can do the lookzin' down for once, yes yes! Squat bees muchlybad at murder, but muchly good at ropes. Squat does the leavzin' of notspeak up to you's!" Snetcharella once again nods sagely as if she's speaking to the wisest person on all of Sincadere. "Well, I'll admit, Candidate Squat, there's very little else I need to ask you about, it is clear to me that you are a shoo-in for winning this election and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that you are a Goblin and that we are all Goblins. Is there anything else you want your fans to know about?" "Yes yes, always is. Goodly Goblins, much walkzin' did the doin' to get to where here bees. Heavy packs and goodly stuffs goes on back! Do the makzin' of jinglyshiny coins always!" She says. "With jinglyshiny coins do the buyzin' of a whip, where there is whip, there is way!" Squat burst into a marching song from the olden days where Orcs went to war and there is an eerily empty spot where most of the tablewares used to be as Squat straps her pack back onto her back. "Oh yes, do the eatzin' of hamphlet, is waste to just do the readzin'." She finishes, slamming one of the fragrant slabs of meat onto the table, her programme crudely carved into it. "Do be awaitzin' next week's progrHAMme! More politzical promiszin's to come!" Snetcharella applauded the pageantry of it all, gasping in delight when she realized she'd been robbed of her table utensils by the merchant. "Brava, brava," she cried out, standing as she continued to applaud. "Your people need you, Candidate Squat. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I look forward to your long and victorious reign as Greater Helheim's Primal Minister!" Squat cheers along with Snetcharella and finishes the interview with a big hug to both her and her assistant. "And Squat needs all you's goodlyfolks, yes yes! Squat may be smallest, but as Hok'Minister even Squat can do the beezin' of big! As always, Squat bees lookzin' forward to the goodlyworks of the Goblin Gossip Network. If'n Squat wins, we's doin' the breakzin' out of the Troita Tea and you's is invitzed!" And on cheerful note they part, each party to the interview having the biggest shit eating grin on their faces. . . . Snetcharella adjusted the pile of hair on her head, reminiscent of a beehive. She was quite pleased with her new reporter look and it reflected in her demeanor and bearing. "So... Baroness Nimue, first let me say thank you for agreeing to meet with GGN today, we are Sincadere's most reliable news source and so I can assure you that your story will be told with the utmost integrity and... uh.. also uhm... that other thing." Clearing her throat she continued, "now... you're running for the newly created Broader Helheim seat, correct? Tell me, is it difficult to run while carrying a chair? and do you do this in your unicorn form or a bipedal form? I imagine hooves make it difficult to carry things?"
Settled into a chair neatly folding her hands over one another in her lap gaze settling onto Snetcharella's hairdo as it reminded her of something she had seen in the forest yet couldn't quite place a finger on it. "Oh.. Yes thank you for taking the time to come visit, I'm flattered you find seeking a news article with me." She'd flatter while trying to pull her gaze away from the beehive do yet found it a struggled effort to finally meet the goblin's eyes. Listening to the first query the longer Snetcharella spoke the further Nimue's jaw dropped dumbfounded... the fuck was this story she was writing!? "Uhm... Chairs are easily lifted with my disguise as it provides me hands and arms to work with... In my unicorn form it's a tad bit trickier, I tend to have to lower my head an do... like this..." She'd gesture by jerking her head down an then thrusting it upwards as she explained." And catch the armrest on my horn to pick it up an move it... It's pretty easy... It's the getting it off that's the difficult part...Hooves do indeed make it tricky so other measures are needed to be taken." Snetcharella nodded as she listened, seeming very engrossed in everything the unicorn had to say, right up until Nimue mentioned getting it off. "Please, please! Baroness, this is a family friendly news source.... but uh, I will be back later, off the record, to hear more about you getting off." Brushing some wispy bits of hair from her face she then fanned herself with her hand before continuing. "Now, what can you tell me about your campaign? Have you consulted with many furniture makers about what your seat will look like should you win?" Blinked once an then twice as she listened to the goblin lass as she scolded the unicorn not having realized her words could have been taken out of context." Ah... that's!..." She'd pause as a light hue of pink stained her cheeks with embarrassment."...That's not what I had intended to imply Snetcharella." She'd clear her throat to parlay a moment to collect herself an move on to the next topic, surely it was better than carrying chairs! "Uh... I can confirm exclusively for the GGN I have not spoken with a single carpenter nor seamstress about a construction of a chair.. although if I had to put thought into it, it would need to be a very /sturdy/ chair." She'd trail on with a slight smirk at the little inside joke regarding rumors of her weight." My campaign however is to help strengthen the wilds, the forests since the mountain uprooted itself has found the local wildlife has fled leaving game hunters an trappers light handed if not empty... this does not bode well for citizens of Helheim nor the black tusks. A thriving, healthy ecosystem is needed to keep all of us well fed perish the thought of mandating rations or even starvation if the land withers unable to sustain us...Furthermore our borders need strengthening, It is no secret many citizens have fallen prey to those that wish us harm... Bandits, rogues, those cave dwellers that seek nefarious ends... Both Helheim and the Black tusks should know the roads are safe! "She'd finish off with a well placed balled up fist thumping lightly off the table beside her chair. As anyone who was anyone knew, the lifespan of a GGN reporter was pretty short. So while Snetcharella was right there with Nimue from start to finish, she literally shrieked at the light fist thump on the table. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES," she screamed, her assistant taking the time to wave apologetically as he too followed. "Sorry, she's a bit... sensit-" he tried to answer, only for Snetcharella to shriek from the distance, "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!" |
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