As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. The Goblin Gossip Network is out there, in the trenches, every day bringing you, the hardworking individuals of Sincadere the best and most reliable news you can hope for. Our latest series of interviews surrounds the leadership of the realms. Once again we are starting with the best, richest and most formidable faction (we were not paid to say that), Helheim. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. I took an assistant with me to the interview, though we both barely made it out alive. At the time of this publication there were four candidates running for seats on Helheim's Parliament. Read their stories below... find out who was accused of murder and who talks about getting off! Which candidate stole from the interviewers and who has plans to blend styles when re-upholstering their parliament seat! . . . Snetcharella settled into her seat, her feet dangling off the ground on the human-sized chair she'd been given. "Counter Isod, thank you so much for meeting with me. As Sincadere's ONLY reliable news source, GGN is excited to be meeting with you today. Please ignore my assistant, he's only here to record our conversation," she said of the very handsome assistant, no doubt picturing him naked and covered in various delicious foodstuffs... "So tell me, Counter Isod, are you as good at counting as Counter Brokil? It is a well documented fact that Greenskins are far better in all things than other races... do you feel intimidated by this?" Vykaldir sat calmly, almost placid as he watched the comparatively hyperactive and chaotic goblins. His voice remained devoid of emotion or expression as he listened to the question, a brow perking ever so slightly the only gesture seen. He considered the question for a moment before responding, his voice confident and paced carefully, a man thinking three words ahead, it would seem. "I assure you, Goblin intelligence, leading among greenskin, is well known across all of Sincadere. My own education, by comparison, shall be no threat to your good reputation I promise. I was tutored at a young age. Mathematics, history, foreign languages, business management and the whatnot. But I am sure it was a massive waste of my time compared to the learning you've done in your life." Snetcharella was really smart, and beautiful too, so her assistant thought anyway. She took the compliments, well deserved as they were, and beamed at Vykaldir. "Now don't be too hard on yourself," she demurred graciously, "not everyone can have access to Goblin ingenuity. But you have a far more insidious skill we should talk about... like, how come there are no other candidates for Upper Helheim? I HEARD, from reliable sources mind you, that you had all your potential competition MURDERED. The rash of Werewolf attacks in Helheim? all orchestrated by you as a cover up for the missing citizens who might have run for parliament." It didn't seem to matter that no one knew an election was coming until just the other day, well after the werewolf attacks, Snetcharella must have detected a much broader and insidious plot that was invisible to those far less intelligent. Vykaldir actually chuckled at that. "I can assure you, as far as the Guard is aware, the werewolf attacks have resulted in no casualties. Further, I am no werewolf as is plainly known, and controlling such creatures is a truly difficult prospect." He paused for a breath before continuing. "I think the only reason I am the only candidate at this time, is because it is still so early in the race. I've been thinking on running for the past few months now in truth, and preparing, so my mind was made up when the election was called. Others who might be eligible for the seat, simply haven't chosen to run as yet or at least haven't decided if they have the time to invest in such massive work. In the announcement I sent out about my candidacy, I invited other candidates for the seat to engage in public debate with me, and I meant that. I truly hope that if I am elected, it is a good and fair election where the best candidate has won, and not simply because I was the only candidate." Snetcharella made a note, uselessly since her assistant was capturing the entire affair, and eyed Vykaldir as she did so. "Uh.. HUH," she said, regarding his statement, "is that what we're calling murder these days? 'Preparing' for months?" Getting agitated she climbed onto her seat and pointed her superfluous pencil at him, shouting, "TELL ME THE TRUTH, COUNTER! You invited others to debate you KNOWING THERE WAS NO ONE TO DEBATE! I would also like to take the time to point out your rapid ascent in the ranks of the Helheim Guard. It was just," she checks her notes while resuming her seat, "7 days ago, that you joined the guard... according to my VERY RELIABLE sources and you're already the Gorgun? What's up with that?" Vykaldir shifted slightly, lifting a glass of water to sip at it for a moment before setting it down. Of course he used the chance to think a little on his response before speaking. "When I say preparing, I mean reaching a decision on if I have the ability, time, and energy to invest in serving Helheim from a seat in Parliament. The work is not something to take lightly. When I issued by invitation to debate, it was in the hopes of inspiring others to run, in the hopes of giving the people a choice, and a chance to see their candidates do more than make speeches." He considered her questioning about his guard history, chuckling a little. "Actually. I enlisted in the Helheim Guard back at the end of November, very early December. Around the time of the last elections. But I had only just arrived in the city, a humble guard without noble title, or rank. I had served as a village Guard for thirty years before, in villages on the outskirts of Helheims territories. My rise in ranks here in the city has been due to my ability to serve, and to oversee the Royal Guard, as witnessed by the Field Marshal, the King of Helheim, and even the current members of Parliament, and their decisions about my promotion are not something I have any control over. It was Parliament that approved my promotion to Colonel, and it actually came as a surprise to myself and the Field Marshal. While we had expected such a move, we envisioned it being long in the future, as she took more of Helheims Navy under her command and I assumed command over day to day activities of the Guardsmen." "In all truth, when I came to Helheim, I had intended to rise to Sergeant and serve for a time. A humble ambition. And I had planned to retire from Sergeant to develop my House and pursue politics. Helheim needed my plans to change, to grow, and they have. I hope to be able to prove to people during my campaign that I am able to rise to the needs of Helheim, as I've proven to my superiors in the Guard, to the King, and to Parliament time and time again." Snetcharella still did not look convinced, but her assistant sure did... if the assistant could vote, he would totally vote for Vykaldir! "I see that your skills of dissembling are masterful, Counter Isod, but I remain unconvinced of your sincerity! I have a nose for trouble," indeed she did, a very generous nose that was set in her beautiful face, "and you, sir, reek of it!" The dashing assistant had never seen Snetcharella in such a state and concerned for her overtaxed heart he stepped in to say, "I believe what veteran reporter Snetcharella is trying to say is that despite not having any competition you may still find your work cut out for you, sir... and at this time I believe the interview is over." Snetcharella rest in her chair, drenched in sweat and limp from all the energy exerted... she looked like she'd just pulled a cord and had a bucket of water dumped on her lithe form. She gave no protest to ending the interview and allowed herself to be escorted from the room. Vykaldir openly chuckled as the pair of goblins spoke in turn. "If i may add but one thing to the interview, or at least your own curiosity, is that yes, I reek of trouble. I am a Guard. My job has been to wade knee deep into the filthiest of messes. To throw myself before the biggest of threats. To get dirty so Helheim may stay clean. To bleed, so Helheim may remain unharmed. To risk myself, so Helheim may stand strong. Yes, I reek of trouble. Because as a Guard, my world is to prevent trouble. And I for one hope I have my work cut out for me. If it were easy work, I woudlnt have considered putting my name in for consideration. I would like to thank you for the interview, and the GGN. I have taken great pleasure in reading your articles and look forward to seeing what you write." OF course he'd make no move to stop them from departing after that. . . . Snetcharella was run ragged by all these Helheim interviews and yet still somehow managed to appear as impeccably dressed as Aigie of the CCOA, or at least that's what her dashing assistant felt. "Minister Ked'Sena, I'm so grateful you are willing to meet with Sincadere's PREMIER news source, the GGN, you can rely on me to make sure your story is told with the highest regard to integrity possible." She paused for dramatic effect and continued, "now, as Helheim's reigning Greater Minister you must have a lot of thoughts about your running mate, the notorious and much beloved Squat the Goblin. How are you handling feeling shaken the core by being up against such a prestigious name? Are you concerned about your chances of winning the race?" Ked’Sena smiled warmly as she watched and listened to her interviewer speak. Brightly she smiled and responded. “I had the fortune of meeting Teef Squat and we shared a wonderful conversation. As a fellow member of the tribe, I feel we bonded rather well. In true Tusk’s tradition, it is good Mog to compete. The strongest and truest ideals can only be forged and tested through competitiveness…as for concerns about my chances… I have no concerns that the people of this nation will vote for whomever best reflects their aspirations and concerns.” Snetcharella clearly wasn't expecting that kind of response so she was quiet for a little bit, pretending to check notes that were completely unnecessary because her assistant was standing RIGHT THERE. "I see," she stated flatly before clearing her throat. "Very well, Minister Ked'Sena, what can you tell me about the rumours that if you are elected you will be forcing all of your constituents to adhere to the tenants of Mog?" She stopped as her dashing assistant leaned in to whisper something to her. "What? Oh crap... I mean that you'll be forcing all of your constituents to adhere to the Axiom of the Basilica?" Whispering back to her assistant she added, "good catch, thanks." Ked’Sena listened and observed as a faint smile appeared at the corners of her lips. Shaking her head slowly. “Though the teaching of Mog as well as the teaching of the Basilica do sing from the same place of heart on many things. A district minister’s job is to embody the will and the voice of their constituents. It is also to put great resistance from anything outside of that from skewing that elected minister away from reflecting their people the represent digeliantly. I take that responsibility very much true to my heart and everyday I get the continued opportunity to be Greater Helheim’s elected minister… is an honor.” Snetcharella listened with grudging respect that she tried to disguise behind a passive aggressive smirk. "I see, I see... well, one final question, Minister Ked'Sena... if you are elected again... will you be re-upholstering your seat? and if so, will you be buying that fabric from the local tailor or outsourcing to another realm for something a bit more unique?" Ked’Sena pleasantly did not expect that question but continued her smile as she thought it over. “Sadly I do not have an official seat as Parliament meets in the castle and the decor is up to the crown. If I did have a seat fashioned…I think a combination of things. Molly, the local tailor in Greater Helheim has a wonderful selection of fabrics and designs..yet I personally like the style and craftsmanship of Tusk’s hide workers. So if I ever did get the opportunity..I think I would like to see what a blending of cultures and styles might produce…Maybe something new and beautiful.” Snetcharella snaps closed her book (where did that come from?) and stood up. "Well.. thank you again for your time, Minister Ked'Sena," she said pleasantly enough, though by her tone she might as well have been saying 'I got my eye on you' instead. . . . Snetcharella had prepared a feast for this interview, even permitting her handsome assistant to partake before welcoming Helheim's latest candidate to the Parliamentary election. "Ah, Squat, so nice to see you. How are your people? Thank you for meeting with the Goblin Gossip Network, we're very excited to tell your story. Now, I'm not going to hold back just because you're a goblin, you can expect all the hard hitting questions coming at you rapid fire so brace yourself!" She paused for a moment after her warning and then rapidly fired those hard hitting questions. "Do you prefer red or blue meat beetles? What is your favourite type of mud soak? and what is your best selling item?" Squat faces Snetcharella with a straight face, setting her pack down and swallowing three eggs back to back while she rattles off her warnings. "Wotchya, Snetcharella, goodly gobbie questions do the hardzest of hittzin'! Tusks bees fresh from bath day, yes yes, all sparkly and shiny green, as is goodly, yes yes!" She cheers enthusiastically and grabs onto the edges of the table, bracing herself, grinning nearly ear to ear to have another goblin in front of her who is not under constant threat of a whip. "Red goes faster, it bees known! River flood silt in rain season, best sellzin' item bees stories, loses nothzing in the tellzin' all profit all time, yes yes!" She answers in one breath, returning fire with "It bees so goodly to be hazzin' you's in camp, Primals bless the Goblin Gossip Network, who knows where we'd be without the knowzin' that Hen'butt bees proud of him's butt?" Snetcharella nods sagely, "mhm, mhm, all great answers, Candidate Squat and I expected nothing less from a goblin of your renown. Tell me, do you feel a sense of pity for your opponent for the Greater Helheim seat? When you win, how will you handle it? What our readers want to know is... will you murder and eat her so she doesn't have to live with the shame of her loss? or will you allow her to live and then tell stories of her defeat to emphasize for her that you are the bigger person... proverbially speaking if not literally speaking." Squat takes a moment to breathe between questions, her nostrils flaring as she just about inhales a mushroom from its roasting spike. "Squat does the feelzin' of no pity, is goodly choosytimes, so goodlyfolks make choice. We's seven and ten suns from doin' the knowzin' who bees the winner at time of speakzin', so all Squat can do bees givzin' out hamphlets and doin' the goodlytalkzin' to goodlyfolks of Helheim. If Squat does the winnzin' Squat will do the askzin' of Dubok to hold Squat up, so Squat can do the lookzin' down for once, yes yes! Squat bees muchlybad at murder, but muchly good at ropes. Squat does the leavzin' of notspeak up to you's!" Snetcharella once again nods sagely as if she's speaking to the wisest person on all of Sincadere. "Well, I'll admit, Candidate Squat, there's very little else I need to ask you about, it is clear to me that you are a shoo-in for winning this election and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that you are a Goblin and that we are all Goblins. Is there anything else you want your fans to know about?" "Yes yes, always is. Goodly Goblins, much walkzin' did the doin' to get to where here bees. Heavy packs and goodly stuffs goes on back! Do the makzin' of jinglyshiny coins always!" She says. "With jinglyshiny coins do the buyzin' of a whip, where there is whip, there is way!" Squat burst into a marching song from the olden days where Orcs went to war and there is an eerily empty spot where most of the tablewares used to be as Squat straps her pack back onto her back. "Oh yes, do the eatzin' of hamphlet, is waste to just do the readzin'." She finishes, slamming one of the fragrant slabs of meat onto the table, her programme crudely carved into it. "Do be awaitzin' next week's progrHAMme! More politzical promiszin's to come!" Snetcharella applauded the pageantry of it all, gasping in delight when she realized she'd been robbed of her table utensils by the merchant. "Brava, brava," she cried out, standing as she continued to applaud. "Your people need you, Candidate Squat. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. I look forward to your long and victorious reign as Greater Helheim's Primal Minister!" Squat cheers along with Snetcharella and finishes the interview with a big hug to both her and her assistant. "And Squat needs all you's goodlyfolks, yes yes! Squat may be smallest, but as Hok'Minister even Squat can do the beezin' of big! As always, Squat bees lookzin' forward to the goodlyworks of the Goblin Gossip Network. If'n Squat wins, we's doin' the breakzin' out of the Troita Tea and you's is invitzed!" And on cheerful note they part, each party to the interview having the biggest shit eating grin on their faces. . . . Snetcharella adjusted the pile of hair on her head, reminiscent of a beehive. She was quite pleased with her new reporter look and it reflected in her demeanor and bearing. "So... Baroness Nimue, first let me say thank you for agreeing to meet with GGN today, we are Sincadere's most reliable news source and so I can assure you that your story will be told with the utmost integrity and... uh.. also uhm... that other thing." Clearing her throat she continued, "now... you're running for the newly created Broader Helheim seat, correct? Tell me, is it difficult to run while carrying a chair? and do you do this in your unicorn form or a bipedal form? I imagine hooves make it difficult to carry things?"
Settled into a chair neatly folding her hands over one another in her lap gaze settling onto Snetcharella's hairdo as it reminded her of something she had seen in the forest yet couldn't quite place a finger on it. "Oh.. Yes thank you for taking the time to come visit, I'm flattered you find seeking a news article with me." She'd flatter while trying to pull her gaze away from the beehive do yet found it a struggled effort to finally meet the goblin's eyes. Listening to the first query the longer Snetcharella spoke the further Nimue's jaw dropped dumbfounded... the fuck was this story she was writing!? "Uhm... Chairs are easily lifted with my disguise as it provides me hands and arms to work with... In my unicorn form it's a tad bit trickier, I tend to have to lower my head an do... like this..." She'd gesture by jerking her head down an then thrusting it upwards as she explained." And catch the armrest on my horn to pick it up an move it... It's pretty easy... It's the getting it off that's the difficult part...Hooves do indeed make it tricky so other measures are needed to be taken." Snetcharella nodded as she listened, seeming very engrossed in everything the unicorn had to say, right up until Nimue mentioned getting it off. "Please, please! Baroness, this is a family friendly news source.... but uh, I will be back later, off the record, to hear more about you getting off." Brushing some wispy bits of hair from her face she then fanned herself with her hand before continuing. "Now, what can you tell me about your campaign? Have you consulted with many furniture makers about what your seat will look like should you win?" Blinked once an then twice as she listened to the goblin lass as she scolded the unicorn not having realized her words could have been taken out of context." Ah... that's!..." She'd pause as a light hue of pink stained her cheeks with embarrassment."...That's not what I had intended to imply Snetcharella." She'd clear her throat to parlay a moment to collect herself an move on to the next topic, surely it was better than carrying chairs! "Uh... I can confirm exclusively for the GGN I have not spoken with a single carpenter nor seamstress about a construction of a chair.. although if I had to put thought into it, it would need to be a very /sturdy/ chair." She'd trail on with a slight smirk at the little inside joke regarding rumors of her weight." My campaign however is to help strengthen the wilds, the forests since the mountain uprooted itself has found the local wildlife has fled leaving game hunters an trappers light handed if not empty... this does not bode well for citizens of Helheim nor the black tusks. A thriving, healthy ecosystem is needed to keep all of us well fed perish the thought of mandating rations or even starvation if the land withers unable to sustain us...Furthermore our borders need strengthening, It is no secret many citizens have fallen prey to those that wish us harm... Bandits, rogues, those cave dwellers that seek nefarious ends... Both Helheim and the Black tusks should know the roads are safe! "She'd finish off with a well placed balled up fist thumping lightly off the table beside her chair. As anyone who was anyone knew, the lifespan of a GGN reporter was pretty short. So while Snetcharella was right there with Nimue from start to finish, she literally shrieked at the light fist thump on the table. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES," she screamed, her assistant taking the time to wave apologetically as he too followed. "Sorry, she's a bit... sensit-" he tried to answer, only for Snetcharella to shriek from the distance, "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!" Comments are closed.
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