Dear Miss Scarlet, How do you get a goblin to like you? I confess, my efforts to woo my new boyfriend have proven quite difficult. He is nothing like my previous beaus, who have all been Nekoyami, so I wonder if this is a cultural gap? I do everything a good girlfriend should do! I tell him how handsome he is, how smart his is...I even talked him up to his big boss orc. I bring him home-made bento boxes for lunch when I can and leave little love notes for him. I know I work a lot, a gal's gotta earn a living, ya know, and I can't be there all the time. But... I really, really like him! I don't care that it is an unconventional match, or that the other cats gossip and say its inappropriate. He is The One. On a side note, do you have any recommendations on where to buy love potions? Sincerely, Not Kitten Around Dear Not Kitten Around, Your query is quite interesting as in all my time as an advice columnist I have never of such a pairing and believe me, I've had some interesting ones! The realm of inter-species dating is a fraught one as you are no doubt finding out as friends and family express their thoughts on the nature of your relationship. I myself believe that love knows no bounds or limitations and heartily encourage your connection. That being said, the situation does present something of a dilemma. It is readily apparent that your feelings are pure and true but your beau seems reluctant to acknowledge them, though I do not believe he is unaware of them. This bears a striking resemblance to a prior querent and I suggest you might do well to consult prior editions of Infernal Love. On one hand I could offer advice on how to better attract his attention (Shiny, bright colored objects, raw meat) or learn more of his culture (the tenants of Mog would be a good start) or even connect you with a love potion dealer (there is a shop in the Jade Lotus Empire and several reputable alchemists in the Cabbala Amartia). But be wary of a one sided relationship; a true pairing is close to fifty fifty and if he is unwilling or unable to at least try to meet you halfway then no amount of putting yourself out all the time will make him. And if indeed you truly feel he is The One then building a relationship on the foundation of chemical inducement will only last as long as the potion does. As is often the case my prescription for you is communication. Have a conversation with him about your concerns, ask the hard questions and be clear about your feelings. In the end, despite your desires and best efforts, you may find that he is simply not into a relationship and as hard as that could be to take, it's better to ascertain that sooner than later. Dear Miss Scarlet,
Currently I dwell in a place far different than where I grew up and with the coming of the holiday season I have sought to reconnect with friends and family in the land I grew up in. Much time has passed since my last visit and while I feel I am a much better person and in a better place in life, I cannot say the same for the people and place of my youth. Once the fond memories wore off, I found that friends that were once close have drifted apart; I was treated quite badly, with outright suspicion and even hostility when I tried to share the things I have learned, and feel many one time family have turned their backs on me. A place that once brought me joy and happiness now seems to be a toxic cesspool in comparison. I want so badly to have what I did once before, especially around this time of year, but this has left me feeling isolated and depressed. What can I do? -Alone for the Holidays Dear Alone, Your missive is not typical fare for my column as it has little to do with Love, Lust, and dating. Perhaps it's just the time of year but I couldn't help but feel a pang of longing myself as I too live in a place much different from my upbringing. It is indeed very sad to find loved ones turned away and grown distant and to look upon a once fond place with new insight that reveals the cracks and crevices we once blithely ignored. They say that you can never go home again and while I have no idea who 'they' are, I feel they are quite right. Take solace in the fact that you have grown and bettered yourself and made a new life. I truly wish that I could offer some happy explanation or a simple fix, but people will never change unless they truly want to and no amount of seeking their approval will gain you what you have lost. There is a big wide world out there of new experiences and new chosen family to be found and we must all shoulder the burden of looking ahead and enjoying where we are at rather than trying to reclaim the past. Happy holidays and until next time, dear readers, I remain, Miss Scarlet Dear Miss Scarlet, How do you tell if someone likes you? I have this cat that will NOT leave me alone. She even posted a Sinder profile with a picture of both of us and said no one was allowed to touch me. Does that mean I'm married? Should I tell her there's no such thing as a half-goblin and that any children she has will be full on goblins? Nah, forget it, she'll figure it out. I've never had kids before, that I know of, I hope she doesn't want me to be involved. Do you have any suggestions for cat-repellent? Yours truly, Pawsitively perplexed. Dear Pawsitively Perplexed, First, let me thank you for the extremely colourful letter. It was almost like you couldn't decide on which wax coloring stick to use and decided to use all of them. To the meat of your query, I would say that yes, your feline belle is indeed quite interested in you. Many women have a manner of flirting that one could describe as aggressively signaling availability which can become quite possessive, particularly when they believe their feelings are not being reciprocated. In the absence of any mutual declaration I would say that at this point you are not yet formally married as such, though she seems to be very commitment minded. I did a bit of research on goblinoid reproductive habits and you are quite correct that half-goblins are a very rare occurrence as your ancestry has a striking manner of assertion over a zygote. For this as well as the rest of the issues raised in your missive my advice boils down to three things: communication, communication, communication! It's plain you have yet to address many of the matters plaguing you with her personally and I think a good sit down to clear the air is needed. Before that can happen to any effect, you must decide exactly how you feel about her and any future you might have. I sense some notes of reluctance in your letter and if you have any reservations it is better that you express them clearly and succinctly. As to your request for a medicinal remedy, I would suggest a compounded essence of actinidia polygama, commonly known as Silver Vine, which can be prepared by any alchemist of repute. Cheers and best of luck! Dear Miss Scarlet,
I am a recently widowed woman and though I may be a bit older, I still feel I am in my prime. It's only been a year since my husband's passing and I still grieve. I am not sure that I am ready yet to entertain dating a new beau, but I still have needs. Until fairly recently I had been taking care of matters myself but I was recently given a publication entitled "The Benefits and Dangers of Female Self-Pleasure." In it is a passage that mentions the possibilities of loss of pleasure and even increased pain of childbirth. I am still young enough to have another husband and even bear children and I don't want to take a chance on losing that or making it worse. How can I possibly avoid this fate while still taking care of my needs? - Hesitant in Helheim Dear Hesitant, Thank you for writing in seeking advice, it is always a pleasure to be able to help someone seeking to get back into life after a tragic loss. On a personal note, I myself have been in your position before, having survived four husbands to date. They just don't make them like they used to. As to the subject of your inquiry, I myself was not familiar with the publication you referenced but was able to find a copy around the offices of the Multifarious Monthly Review. I was not overly impressed with the contents and assertions therein, as they reflect an outdated view on the nature of feminine self pleasure and of women in general. Being a healthy female in her reproductive prime, you should have no fears of negative repercussions from any reasonable act of self pleasure and, if in doubt, I would trust the word of a proper midwife of repute over that of any religious figure that, quite frankly, sounds like they have not handled a vulva in a hound's age. I have included for you a free copy of my own publication "101 Ways to go Fuck Yourself: A Manual of Self-Love" which addresses the matter in more detail and should provide more than ample examples and suggestions to get you going again. Until next time dear readers, I remain -Miss Scarlet "Infernal Love" with Miss Scarlet Dear Miss Scarlet, I am having some problems at my workplace. One of my coworkers (male) had a little fling with our boss (female) and they were always schmoozing it up around the place. Well I guess she recently broke it off and took up with someone else and since then the coworker has been insufferable. He keeps hitting on anything that moves and despite me telling him I am not interested, he keeps doing the same to me. I'm not really attracted to him, but I feel sorry for the poor guy and have been thinking maybe a one night stand would get him over it and cheer up. What do you think? -signed, Selfless Lover Dear Selfless, first let me commend you for your empathy. Your co-worker is no doubt having a rough time of it, it's never easy going from the elevated status of being the boss's boy toy back to being a regular peon, let alone getting cucked by the HBIC in front of everyone. While your heart is in the right place, I advise you not to follow through with your plans. A maxim only slightly less well known than "Never get involved in a land war in Pesh'mer'gal'ia" and "Never stick your dick in crazy" is "Never fuck a desperate man on the rebound." Right now he is going through a crisis of masculinity and trying urgently to remain relevant and fill the gaping hole in his life by filling the hole in someone else's gaping thighs. If you get involved with him in this situation it's only going to lead to heartbreak and problems down the line - particularly as this is someone you have to work with on a presumably daily basis. Hard as it may be, resist the impulse to get involved in other people's relationship problems and keep those legs crossed until he's done working it out with hookers and slaves. I have included in my reply to you some brochures for area brothels and local sex workers if you wish to surreptitiously leave then where he can find them. Dear Miss Scarlet,
I have quite a problem on my hands. I thought I had met an amazing woman. I can be rather shy but she knows just how to bring me out of my shell. She's humorous and witty, finishes my sentences like she knows what I'm thinking, is fun to be around, not to mention drop dead gorgeous and quite a handful in the sack! We have gone on several dates that always went well. I can't stop thinking about her, I even have dreams about her every night. I think I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but when I bring it up she seems very reluctant to commit. She's very secretive and mysterious and doesn't speak about herself or her past much and never seems to want to go back to her place.. I'm usually so tired after one of her visits it's all I can do to just go to sleep, but last time I managed to get up and follow her. Out of the city, all through the woods, towards that dreadful swamp - and that's when I saw her change! She grew wings and horns and a tail and took off flying over the trees! I am totally devastated - this whole time she's been some sort of foul demon or witch from the Cabbala! I am afraid if I even see her again she'll attack me or steal my soul! I don't know what to do, what if my neighbors find out? Should I visit a cleric? Should I get checked for disease? -No Sympathy For The Devil Dear No Sympathy, your query prompts quite an ethical dilemma. On one hand you feel your trust has been betrayed by this woman misrepresenting herself. On the other hand, you yourself have betrayed her trust by violating her boundaries and ended up seeing something that changed your perception of the relationship. Prior to this point you seemed to be perfectly happy with the arrangement, and conflict was only introduced after you sought to take the relationship to a level that she was not comfortable with (commitment) and had seemingly expressed as much, a reluctance that is understandable given the nature of her secret and the negativity shown in your reaction. By your descriptions it would seem likely that you are dealing with a succubus. This presents a complex situation that is emblematic of the often fraught dating landscape of Sincadere where so many different races and beings cohabitate. I find that a healthy dose of empathy and trying to see things from others perspective can help when dealing with such difficulties. The very nature of your missive also betrays some inherent bias of your own. Would your reaction have been the same if your mysterious lady friend had been revealed to be a celestial in mortal guise or perhaps a wily kitsune from the Jade Lotus, or an Unseelie fae, or any of a multitude of other races that seemingly enjoy a better reputation than beings of the lower planes? Have you considered that a being that could seemingly read your mind might have been aware of your presence the whole time and that the reveal might have been a test of your love and reaction? These are difficult questions for me to answer with what was provided in your letter. You might wish to get checked for disease by your local healer, same as you would for any encounter with a new sexual partner, but I would not worry about being cursed or her returning, as my guess is she will likely never reveal herself to you again. Also, having your soul stolen should not be a concern as I have it on good authority that yours is already the sole property of the Pit Fiend Bel'shathrub which tells me you have bigger problems to worry about than a reputation as a succubus fucker. As ever, I remain, Miss Scarlet "Infernal Love" with Miss Scarlet
Dear Miss Scarlet A number of us regular folk have heard talk of a rather concerning medical issue within the leadership of our realm. We have heard that a rash is spreading through the royals and leaders of the regions within Sincadere. This may just be the rumor mill grinding the flour of lies and misinformation but many of us are concerned as to the health of our leadership and also the possibility of the rash spreading to the regular, common folk. We have heard that the rash is sexual in nature and may have been spread through the various meetings that the leaders attend but we also know that some of the leaders, mainly those filthy beasts in the Cabbala, tend to fornicate with whoever they capture I suppose what I'm asking is, are we in danger of losing our leaders and are we looking at realm-wide pandemic of the itchy bits? Thank you, Burning with curiosity Dear Burning with Curiosity, I received your letter with something of a sense of alarm tempered with caution. While I would be hesitant to raise the cry of a pandemic, these happenings must be treated with the utmost seriousness, for if disregarded what could well be just a little outbreak of the crotch rot amongst some decadent nobles might well grow into a new plague. I would offer assurance to Burning that a bit of the whore's blossom amongst the leadership is usually nothing to be worried about. A surprising amount of diplomatic work between nations to say nothing of their internal affairs is carried out in the bedrooms of ambassadors, diplomats, nobility, and officials. Many a treaty and trade agreement has been hammered out over a barebacked ride or sorted by a cunning linguist and a touch of the drip is seen as the cost of doing business. To err on the side of caution, Miss Scarlet did reach out to some of her contacts in the kingdom of Helheim as well as the Jade Lotus Empire and was given assurances that all is under control and the nature of the malady has been greatly exaggerated. Which is exactly what I would expect to be told by leaderships eager to keep a lid on their affairs. In the interest of thoroughness Miss Scarlet also reached out to the Cabbala Amarita even though they are notoriously close-lipped on their dealings. When asked about the recent rumors of disease and the possibility of their origins in the Cabbala, Miss Scarlet's anonymous source had only a veiled "Wait and see" accompanied by maniacal laughter and gnashing of fangs, followed by a pointed commentary on the sexual proclivities of other kingdoms leadership which is not fit to be printed in this esteemed periodical. With any official word on the matter dubious at best, Miss Scarlet offers the following advice: Discuss sexual history with any potential partners and don't be shy about regular check ups with your local physician, cleric, or healers guild. When in doubt, abstinence is always a best practice to avoid bedroom bugs, and readers dismayed at that prospect can always send in five copper and a self-addressed envelope to receive Miss Scarlet's newest publication "101 Ways to Go Fuck Yourself; A Manual of Self-Love." Until next time, dear readers, I remain, Miss Scarlet "Infernal Love" with Miss Scarlet Dear Miss Scarlet, I am having some severe troubles in bed of late. I have contracted some sort of venereal disease but the local healers are baffled how to treat it. Not only have I gone impotent but I am covered in rashes and sores, I toss and turn all night and it feels like I am walking on broken glass every where I go. No concoction of herbs or medicines has been able to touch it. The worst part of it is that my wife doesn't even seem to care! She just gets this smug look every time I mention how bad it is! Do you have any experience with this? -Signed, Suffering in the Jade Lotus Dear Suffering, I find that often our woes are our own faults in the end. Perhaps you should stop cheating on your wife with that geisha at the tea house and your troubles will resolve themselves. Dear readers,
Miss Scarlet's advice and reputation was recently impinged by none other than Aigie Ryder, Headmistress of the Cabbalan College of Obscure Arts, in her letter to the editor on the subject of my recommendation to Jilted in Jade Lotus. First of all, on the subject of my bona fides, let me state that Miss Scarlet is well versed in matters of the arcane, and has been serving up spells and hexes for quite some time and to great effect. Readers can trust the veracity of any such advice offered. Second, as to the nature of the hex recommended, it did not come from any Ogre's cookbook, but rather from the Books of Shadows of many a hedge mage, witch or warlock. The particular recipe offered is known as a Jar Hex or Witch Bottle and is a time honoured technique used for centuries upon centuries by practioners of the Craft. The witch bottle may be used as either a curse or as protection from one, depending on its contents and intent, and is a very basic example of targeted manifestation. It is often the first such hex or ward learned and, due to its exceedingly simple construction with readily available items, can be affected by very nearly anyone. I do agree with Miss Ryder that there are more powerful curses with better ratios of input to output but such was not my intent to arm the readers or Mrs Jilted with them. Curses such as a fetish doll are easy to unintentionally take too far especially in the hands of a novice motivated by the unfaithfulness one's husband. I submit that a Jar Hex with it's reliable but generalized effects and innocuous appearance is the perfect recipe for revenge to be offered to a jilted housewife of limited experience and means. Thirdly, decorum prevents me from impugning the reputation and credentials of Miss Ryder in a public fashion as she has so readily done to me. I would offer the advice that if she wishes to dish on the subject of magic in such a fashion perhaps she might be better served by securing her own column with the Multifarious Monthly Review which I am sure would be welcomed by the editors. "Infernal Love" with Miss Scarlet "Dear Miss Scarlet, I am at a loss for what to do. Everywhere I turn I am confronted by these stereotypes of elves as sluts, and fit only to be slaves. I see the looks, hear the snide comments. Why just the other day I ventured into the caves of the Cabbala and they even have a tavern called The Bound Elf! I pointed out how offensive that is but the locals only laughed and ridiculed me! How can I get them to understand that elves are an ancient, noble, proud people deserving of respect and admiration (letter truncated for publication)" - Signed, Pointy Eared Tree Hugger Dear Pointy Eared Tree Hugger - I am at a bit of a loss here as your letter has little to do with advice in matters of love or lust, but a seventeen page diatribe on the treatment of elves is a cry for help if I ever saw one. You also failed to sign with an anonymous pen name so I have chosen one for you. First, let me just state that I understand just what you mean and it's a tragedy. Too many elves believe these fairy tales about being noble, respectable creatures and it inevitably causes a shock when they are confronted with reality. Have you considered exploring your naturally submissive prey-beast instincts? I find a good session of bondage and discipline usually brings it right out. I am going to send you references to a few orc tribes looking for snaga and some slavers in various realms as you did not mention where you are located or I would come for you myself. Remember, a collared elf is a happy elf! "Dear Miss Scarlet,
I have been happily married to my husband for almost two decades now and we have an idyllic life farming. We have one child that has come of age and is making their own way in the world now. I feel like this should be our golden years together, but I suspect my husband is cheating on me. I have found geisha makeup on some of his clothes and strange perfume, and he's always running off to the tea house without me. I don't want to leave him, yet what can I do? Should I confront him?" - Signed, Jilted in Jade Lotus. Dear Jilted, sadly this is something I hear all too often. Give them your best years and children and they are only too ready to step out on you with someone else. I have some solid advice for you though. Get a large glass or pottery jar and place in it a lock of your husband's hair, fingernail clippings, an article of clothing or small item like a wedding ring, and any blood or semen you can collect. Add some broken glass, bent nails, leaves and berries of Belladonna and Foxglove, some of your own urine, and seal the jar. Place it somewhere and focus your hatred on the jar. Yell at it and shake it up daily, call it by your husband's name, blame it for everything he does wrong. After a few weeks of doing this, bury the jar somewhere he is likely to walk over regularly, or place under his side of the bed. You will see results swiftly. That's all for this edition of Infernal Love with Miss Scarlet! Write me with your questions and concerns of matters on Love and Lust. ((To submit a letter to Infernal Love please reach out to Fevren or Pet in Second Life or Discord)) "Infernal Love" with Miss Scarlet Sincadere's Advice column for matters of Love and Lust. "Dear Miss Scarlet - Roark's snaga no look at Roark same way no more. Roark think best mate Ugrall is go behind back while Roark out on hunt. Ugrall has mighty smug grin lately. Should Roark smash?" - Signed, Definitely-Not-Roark Dear Definitely-Not-Roark, first of all, thank you for writing me for advice and second of all, whomever you got to write that letter for is doing you no favors; it took me the better part of an afternoon to translate. Now, onto the meat of your query. Have you been having some difficulties in the furs with that snaga perhaps? Things getting a little dry and boring? That's usually the number one cause of unfaithful slaves, in my experience. Yes indeed, I feel you should absolutely smash, but not in the way you are thinking. I think you need to have a talk with Ugrall AND this snaga and get it all out in the open, but not in a hostile way. Why be sneaking behind each other's backs when you can be having delightful Devil's Threeways every night? You should both team up and spitroast that little grass-eater till her eyes are permanently crossed! (I am assuming your snaga is Elven, please pardon if not.) Dear Miss Scarlet - I'm having such a time with my beau. He is charming, handsome, supportive, and a delight to be around, he does light up my life. But every time we get intimate in bed, he thinks it's the most erotic thing to just hammer at my cervix like a dwarf with a pickaxe. That hurts like hell and I don't like it, but I can't get him to understand this. What can I do?
- Signed, Legs-Crossed in Helheim Dear Legs-Crossed in Helheim, first of all my condolences on the beau's less than pleasureful performances in the sack. This is quite a common difficulty I have encountered with many relationships and I'm sad to say that probably about ninety percent of the dick-bearing creatures I have trysted with seem to think that taking a battering ram to the gates of a lady's womb is some sort of devastatingly erotic maneuver. Try as I might, I can't educate them all to the facts of the matter. My suggestions would be as follows: Get yourself a spiked pessary and slip it in before a session of love making, and give him a nasty surprise when he ventures too deep. A touch of basilisk's venom to paralyze but not render him unconscious could provide a perfect teachable moment for a lecture on how to properly please a lady. Failing that, I suggest you develop a taste for lesbian encounters, as most of the rest of the boys out there (I'm looking at you) seem convinced this is a pleasureful experience. That's all for this edition of Infernal Love with Miss Scarlet! Write me with your questions and concerns of matters on Love and Lust. ((To submit a letter to Infernal Love please reach out to Fevren or Pet in Second Life or Discord)) |
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