This just in....
Gaboon lost his virginity before his father did. Gaboon doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. The dinosaurs looked at Gaboon the wrong way once. You know what happened to them. Gaboon's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Gaboon does not sleep. He waits. Gaboon recently had the idea to sell his pee as a purchased beverage. It’s now called Mog Juice. Eclipses happen when Gaboon challenges the sun to a staring contest and the sun blinks. Gaboon can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Gaboon built the hut he grew up in. Gaboon was once bitten by a snake. Five days later the snake died. Gaboon's belly flop is so powerful it shattered Fevren's career. Gaboon can believe its not butter. Gaboon sleeps with a candle...not because he's afraid of the dark but because the dark fears Gaboon. Gaboon died many years ago, the Destroyer just hasn't worked up the courage to come for him. Gaboon can have his cake and eat it too. The first banana tree grew from where Gaboon's toenail clippings were buried. Gaboon is a craftsman and his number one product is pain. Gabbon has counted to infinity....twice. Champions are the breakfast of Gaboon. Gaboon does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Gaboon goes killing. The big bang was caused by Gaboon's cheeks clapping. Gaboon can kill two stones with one bird. Gaboon does not contribute to the pot, the pot contributes to Gaboon. Gaboon makes onions cry. Death once had a near-Gaboon experience. Gaboon can drown a fish. Gaboon once punched a man in the soul. The moon doesn't cause the tides, it's Gaboon wading into the ocean. The sun does not orbit the Earth, it orbits Gaboon, who just happens to live there. Rain is just the sky weeping at Gaboon's glory. Gaboon does not get frostbite, Gaboon bites frost. Gaboon does not take showers, he takes blood baths. Gaboon ordered a steak once...and that steak did what it was told. Gaboon doesn't walk. His steps move the earth under his feet to where he wishes to be. Gaboon can fight himself and win. Gaboon can punch himself in the back of the head. Gaboon can start a fire with two icicles. Gaboon sneezes with his eyes open. Gaboon doesn't breath, he holds air hostage. Gaboon is never late because time waits for him. Santa orc was real...until he forgot a gift for Gaboon. Gaboon can speak Braille. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Gaboon's meaty fist. The reason krakens don't have bones is because Gaboon broke them all in an arm wrestling contest. Gaboon can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it. Gaboon won an arm wrestling tournament without using his arms. Gaboon once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes. Gaboon beat a statue in a staring contest. There is a book about Gaboon. Its called the Sincadere book of records. Gaboon wanted to boost a Grot's confidence once so he intentionally tried to fail. His failure caused the JLE to rise into the sky and form the Tusk's new forests. Gaboon's belly flop is so powerful it broke Helheim's royal line. Gaboon sneezed once and all the snaga in the camp got pregnant. When Mog said 'Let there be light!' Gaboon said 'Say Please.' If you want a list of Gaboon's enemies, just look up the extinct species list. The red mists really did originate from the tusk camps, Gaboon had case of bad gas and ordered the jicho's to cover up the truth. The only time Gaboon was ever afraid was the first time he saw his own reflection. Gaboon is the unstoppable force AND the immoveable object. 008 – Forest Tales. Sincadere Winter 09/03/2023 Editorial. My dear readers, tis seems that yours truly cannot take leave and rest amongst the delights of hellish brothels and lustful loins, without receiving news of mischief and damnation all around. To think that I leave for one blink of a lazy dragons eye, and upon my return what do I found?… mayhem and utter chaos. I have read the reports made by some steamed news outlets, quite elegantly written by my esteemed colleagues of the Quill. And of course, concluded that there was more to the story than meet the eye… Just like you, I now clamor for the upmost truth!.. And truth!, we shall find. So, fear not dear reader for I am back to name those responsible and point one judgmental finger to those that have performed such wretched deeds in my absence. So let us begin, like many stories, at the very beginning… In a palace of ill repute, a top the most renown of Helheim's hills, sat the most devilish of Queens. Was she bored on this night? Was she tired of the scenery? Only the stars know. Suffice to say she was in the mood of a change, suckling her fingers on a noble feast provided by no other than the one that calls himself Chief. Perhaps the palace chef should have taken closer look to the dubious goods, maybe the plaid dressed Chief should have paid the ingredients a fair price. Fact is, in no time a cursed delicacy was boiled and grilled, and a courteous dinner was in no time set. Not a bite taken, the mood had shifted from pleasant to heavily stressed. Still was the room, much unlike the rumbling royal bowels. In a tense attempt to shift in her seat the royal gown appeared to slightly wave and rise. A gallant float that in silence sealed the deed. It was, as those in the tavern business say, silent but deathly. Within minutes the breeze shifted, blowing downhill a stormy vapor. Those that lay witness of the mists forming as they trail to the forest, call themselves lucky, for it was only their nostrils that melted. Once the potent portent clashed with the greenery it quickly shifted to that pungent red hue that permeated across the forest in the shape of that red mist. If it was the stench alone one would simply give the nobles a disapproving look, but the mists twisted life in ways never seen before. Plants that once stood with vivid color, now shriveled, and decayed. Leaving the forest filled with husks of trees and vines that creep like tentacles. The beasts that once roamed the forest suffered such horrid transformations; it is difficult for yours truly to describe them. Of the heroic deeds that transpire amidst the chaos, I am afraid I know little. Most of those that brazenly step forth to save a soul were lost to the vapors. Those that returned, were twisted beyond recognition. Surely the creatures that dwell above will point a finger to us, Cabbalans, as the source of such malice. Know now dear reader, that they are truly mistaken. For on this particular occasion the whims of fate chose the Cabbala to step up. On these wicked times, when all hope was surely lost, and the nations above cowered behind their stone walls and floating isles… it was us!... And no other that rose to put a stop to the siege of such wretched mists. Never say a faun has no sense of smell, for after enduring much of something she had not dealt, our Archon whip her dragons and screamed “ENOUGH!” When a noble, or any of us with enough civilized sense and sensibility, would light a candle. Our beloved Archon chose to light the whole forest on fire. In one night, the remains of the vapors gone, the twisted creatures put to rest, and the forest of Sincadere cleanse into ashes and cinders. May this serve to you all as a warning, and do learn the moral of the story. If you are ever in distress… do not break wind near an open flame. Having told you the truth, I now can go back and rest. Enjoy the night as the stars intended. But before I let you out of my clutches… Here are some business adds. • Woke up with a hard-on day ahead? Feeling a tad bit stiff? Constantly drenched, battling a long throbbing heat? You deserve a pampering night. Leave all problems behind and head into the one and only Den!, the very best palace of pleasure in Sincadere. Located across the bridge by the Fool’s Market, put yourself in the hands of our expertly trained courtesans while enjoying quite the assortment of playful delights. Cum in and get the release you deserve.
• Your day has been long, your back broken whole, your mouth dry and your tongue raspy as an orc’s loincloth. It is time for a break, a drink, and a proper lewd tale. The Bound Elf Tavern beckons, the one and only Cabbalan watering hole, just a step away from the main entrance. Relax by the welcoming fire, gulp down your favorite drink, and trade stories with a fascinating multitude of misfits. Come in and quench for thirst for adventure. • Mages, sorcerers, and amateur wielders of the arcane, this notice is for you! Are you tired of tediously written scrolls? Trying to put back together half-truths in old dusty tomes? Need that precise ingredient for your incantations but can't spend your precious time searching for it? Seek no more! The Caverna Magica, the one and only store affiliated to the Cabbalan College of Obscure Arts, has the most extensive magical compendium. Find us deep inside the Fools Market, next to the butchering grinders and ask about our Study Program for (almost) a fair discount. • Care for something sweet, fulfilling and not screaming? Seek no more and head to Mia's Mystics, located in the Fool's Market of the Cabbala, a fine chocolatier, bakery, and sweet shop with a magical twist! Mia's Mystics specializes in the unusual, macabre and the naughty. Visit or speak with Kaiaa Steiner [Soumia Maradona] to place your order today! • There is no other way to enjoy a night of culture, whippings, and gore than with a glass of the best wine on your hand. Gladiator Fine wine Now On sale! Each wine bottle purchase comes with a house decoration prop too. Come to the Fool’s Market and give your tasting buds a treat or speak with the caves main sommelier Devina [devindenatale] and get a personalized wine to fit your own name. And as always, dear reader, sleep with one eye open. - R. Hangfire |
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