As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. This one has it all folks. Another assault on one of our reporters... a fetching assistant quitting mid-interview... oh and the King of Helheim has trouble with his, uh... stuff. Read on! In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by the assistant! . . . Snetcharella adjusted her hair, piled high on her head like a beehive. It emphasized her short stature and long arms... made her more beautiful, if that was possible. Her dedicated assistant watched on with... dedication... as he took down the details of the upcoming interview. And why wouldn't he be awed by her pre- Snetcharella caught the handsome assistant's gaze and drew him back to the moment. Mog she was glorious. "So, Yisu of the Nekoyums, I'm glad to see you were brave enough to meet with us knowing what we know of your former Empress... Tsuiteru, the GOBLIN SLAYER," the reporter, arguably GGN's finest yet, said to the diminutive feline. "But we're not here to talk about murder... we're here to hear more about the Kabuki-Cats and their success as a multi-national spy unit. Tell me... what have you dug up on the king of Helheim?" Yisu was already happily working on her next set of posters to be oh so helpfully delivered around Helheim. Who knew the threat of war could be so prosperous for her advertising business. She'd wave a little paw at the goblins, splattering paint around. "The Great Grandmother with the Luckiest Belly. If she killed a goblin, its cause they rubbed counter-clockwise. ALWAYS. Rub clock-wise. Counter for bad-luck!" She tsked and booped the nearest goblin on the nose with a brush. Her ears perked. Spy Unit? Coins danced in her eyes for a few moments. "Oh! You haven't heard?! I guess that the King and Queen have to choose a new heir to the throne because the Princess is infertile. Can't have an heir that can't continue the family line, ya know? I heard its cause they live to close to that noisy machine. Maybe its messed up the King's..." She'd glance meaningfully down at the male goblin's crotch. "..."little swimmers" all mutated. Thats why their kids are so messed up?" Snetcharella leaned over the notes on her lap and answered in a stage whisper, "really? Isn't his virility like... his thing??" She sat back and shook her head, "no.. no... I'm here to talk about the Kabuki-Cats, not the king's technologically de-hanced fertility. What's it like? Stealing state secrets and selling them to the highest bidder? Do you sleep well at night knowing that you will always be alone because the... mission... always... comes... first?" Yisu shrugged her shoulder. "I don't know the fancy science of it. But what heir to a throne choose not to have more heirs? Don't make sense! Should rename the whole place to Conspiracy City." The cat laughed then frowned. "Steal? Are you kidding?! People tell us everything we need to know to make our plays. They PAY us to take their secrets and glorify them through the magic of theater.." She waved both paws in the air, though the next question made her gasp. "Alone? Oh no no no. I am a happily married Nekoyami now. Mick composed four ballads for me...and PAID...to have someone sing them to me." She lowered her voice a little more. "...we're like..Sincadere's Power Couple." Snetcharella, a beautiful goblin who was never at a loss for words... was at a loss for words. Eventually she managed to repeat some of the words from the kitten. "Sincadere's Power Couple? Is Mister Dagger aware of this, uh... development? We're interviewing him next about the debut album of the Meatbeatles... we WILL ask him about this." Clearly unimpressed with where this interview was going, Snetcharella tried once more to bring it back to task. "And what have you learned about the Jade Flower's nefarious plot to enslave all of Helheim while blaming it on the Cabbala? Hm? Do you plan to warn your 'husband'," Snetcharella used fingers to put literal quotes around the word husband, "who also happens to be a citizen of Helheim? or will you let him be oppressed along with the rest of the population?" Yisu looked as happy as could be. "Would he write that many ballads if he didn't know? Though.. I should go see him.." Her mismatched eyes squinted at Snetcharella, and she hopped up from her seat to compare heights. Hmm. They were similar height. Similar builds. Ideas started to bubble in that fuzzy little head. "I love the Meatbeatles!" She danced in place, totally fan-girling. "Enslave Helheim? Why would we wanna do that?! No sushi. No pinwheels. No Cat Island. No theater. Sure, its nice to visit, especially the docks for the fish. But enslave? Helheim does slavery, not the Empire." She leaned a little closer to Snetcharella. "...have you been standing too close to their machine god? Sounds like you got a case of the 'delusions'." She'd stare even harder. "You know, the last time a pretty goblin talked to my Mick, he went and cheated on me." The cat turned around to grab a tray from her stand, spinning around to whap the goblin on the head. Then she'd catch the male goblin's gaze, pointing a paw to herself. "Look at me. I'm Snetcheralla now." (The next words of the GGN article are smudged and illegible but continue on down the page) 'Snetcharella' stood over the downed feline, looking as fierce as ever with her beehive hair maybe a little crooked on her head. Thankfully her feline ears held it in place. "Yes, Snetcharella," the handsome assistant said, the tremor in his voice definitely not fear. "Shall we go to our next interview then?" . . . 'Snetcharella' checked her outfit a few more times before striding into the camp to meet with Mick, though she'd give a low hiss of a whisper to her assistant. "You just keep taking notes and after the interview, we'll get your friend ...and I'll give you both a rare Nekoyami doll for the trouble. Just can't have some goblin hussy talkin' to my Mick."
She'd then resume her performance and approach the WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS, the ONE and ONLY --- Mick Dagger. "Mick Dagger and the Meatbeatles... or is it just.. the Meatbeatles? Your rise to musical fame has been the buzz of the GGN. Tell us, who does your promotions?" Mick Dagger wasn't sure why he'd agreed to do an interview... probably only because it would promote the band which meant he could fulfill the king's command and thus earn back the #1 Aigie and Vaeros Meatgrindah card that the king was literally holding ransom. That fucker. He was pretty preoccupied by the looming threat of death from Vaeros which is why he likely missed the fact that 'Snetcharella' had fur and feline ears. "The Meatbeatles, yeah, we voted on the name.. that's pretty neat, have you ever voted? it's not a thing we do in the Tusk Camp normally, but... I've been thinking a lot about things like voting and," he glanced around before leaning in and whisper, "unions." As for promotions, "well, I was going to get my wife Yisu to do promotions because she runs the Kabuki-Cats and they advertise for a fee.... but she left me," he looked aside into the middle distance for a dramatic pause. 'Snetcheralla' swallowed hard. She was a true performer. She would NOT break character. The goblin that was totally not a Nekoyami in disguise leaned a little closer. "Voting? How... progressive of the Gorgun to allow such a thing. Or...are you unionizing right under his nose..." She'd poke his nose to emphasize her point. "Tell the truth, Mick. The Meatbeatles are just a front for your unionization of the goblins!" She trailed off, gasping. Mick thought she had left him for good?! The 'goblin' threw herself at Mick, throwing off her beehive wig. "Mick! Mick! Yes, I will promote for you! I just...had to know..you cared...! Lets get back in business together!" And like that -- The glorious Mick and Yisu Soap Opera....continued. So much for hard hitting journalism. Mick shrieked when 'Snetcharella' threw off her wig and launched herself at him. IT WAS AN ATTACK! From... someone who sounded just like Yisu. Whatever happened next is a mystery because, dear reader, this assistant QUITS! Comments are closed.
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