As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network The Goblin Gossip Network has, at great peril to itself and it’s reporter, sent a hard hitting journalist to each of the three realms leaders. We started with the best, richest and most formidable… we are not being paid to say that… Helheim. In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing. I took an assistant with me to the interview, though we both barely made it out alive. As you will see, in our exchange, the King admitted to wanting a war with the Jade Lotus Empire, taking bribes from the drow and to sleeping with Aigie of the Cabbala. And then, when we accused King Tyr of supporting Elf-turnative facts, he threatened to suppress our freedom to report! . . . Snetch the Goblin, just as dirty and smelly as the rest of the goblin population but he has slick backed hair that is obviously a toupe, and is wearing clothing that would be suitable for a king's steward if it wasn't patched up and stained. With a good wash it would be a really nice outfit!
The goblin arrives with a crisp new scroll and magically refilled quill and takes a seat across from the king's desk to conduct the interview. "Snetch here, reporting live from - what?" he stops to listen to his little goblin assistant, muttering, "we're not live? oh, right." Clearing his throat he starts again, "your majesty, King Tyr, inquiring minds want to know... the TRUTH. Rumour has it that Helheim is sponsoring the Meatgrindah. I've heard, from very reliable sources, that you will be insisted that the Great and Glorious Gaboon move the Meatgrindah into Upper Helheim in a bid to increase trade and profits for the 'huts of many pebbles'. Do you deny this power move?" Tyr wondered why he had agreed to this when he saw the Goblin. He had only taken up the offer to appease those greenskins in the forest, however at this point regret was running rampant. The feeling was only solidified when the first question came. The King refrained from leaning over the table and throttling the little gobbo instead he motioned to the servant to serve him up some the Tusks delicacies, the ones he had heard they were selling at the previous event, the food had been placed on a platter which was then lay down in front of the Gobbo Interrogator " Although I would love to benefit from the roaring success of the MeatGrindah which was a stroke of genius on the Gorguns part, I could not possibly do a better job than the Tusks are doing right now hosting it, they are a true benefit to Helheim and have brought much Glory to my reign and also their Tribe, the Gorgun is a mastermind." Tyr clicked his tongue reaching for his goblet of wine, a long drink before he raised it " I believe the term I am looking for is good mog". The King did indeed respect the Gorgun but the exaggeration of the Tusks lead was the best way to appease him and the tribe, diplomacy sometimes called for buffing up someone elses ego not just your own. "You heard it here first, folks! Helheim will be.... wait, what?" the goblin looked a little disgruntled when Tyr eloquently denounced the claims. "Fine," the goblin retorted and checked his notes before trying the next question, "Isn't it true that Helheim is having... ahem... underground diplomatic relations... with the DROW? And before you deny it, you should know, some of our scouts saw you in a compromising position with one of their kind just outside our camp! If that's not the definition of 'fringe benefits' I don't know what is! TELL THE TRUTH, YOUR MAJESTY!" Tyr would be sipping on his wine when he almost choked on it, the goblet was placed down on the table and the Kings eyes narrowed once again it took all his self control not to have some new Gobbo Skin boots fashioned. A suck on his teeth and a brief pause was enough for him to regain his composure, a brief gesture towards the offering he had made on the platter " I should think the Gorgun would be mightily upset that you have turned down my generous offer of nourishment." This gave the King time to think of an answer, he let out a chuckle " Inform the Gorgun I am offering 1 silver for the head of any Drow that has not pledged their sword to me." Wine in hand once more and another sip before he placed it down " Next Question." The goblin reached out and shoved food into his face, only chewing a bit before choking back the food. Crumbs got everywhere, he ignored them. "Me thinks he doth protest too much!" Snetch said in an aside to his poor assistant who was diligently taking notes. "Oh, all our readers will know about your contract, your majesty. You will be rolling in drow heads in no time at all. Now, on to IMPORTANT questions... I have it on good authority that you are attempting to create the greatest MCC collection in all of Sincadere! Is it true that you are buying up all the #1 Meatgrindah cards in the realm? What was the most expensive one you bought? who is your favourite champion? Tyr tried to hid his disgust at the Goblins table manner, he motioned to one of his servants " Please clean up the Goblin I think it would be a novel treat for him to be served, whatever he wants you shall provide." The poor servant looked like she had been run over by a centaur, such was the life working for a King. Now onto the important question, the meatgrindah cards. The King would click his tongue, he had not told anybody about his plan but he supposed this would be the best time " You are correct, I am in the process of collecting all the cards but not for my need to control everything, but as a roster of sorts. I in fact wish to offer the Tusks 10 silver if they shall put on a special meatgrindah, all the previous winners facing off in a battle royale." The King simply sat back and sipped on his wine, diplomacy came easily to the King. Snetch grinned at the poor servant who did her best to tidy up the goblin while avoiding eye contact. When Tyr mentioned TEN SILVER that got Snetch's attention again and he stared, open mouthed, at the king. "Woah," was all he managed. After a moment he recovered and leaned forward in the chair, giving Tyr a leveling kind of look (at least that's how he intended it). "Let's talk about diplomatic relations with the other realms. Like, the Jade Lotus Empire. Ugh seriously, those rabbits are biting off more than they can chew. I've heard, reliable sources, blah blah, that they've already set their sights on Helheim lands. As if their own lands weren't large enough, I mean, I suppose they aren't when you are blasting babies left, right and center... cause, you know.... rabbits. But tell me, in all honesty, Helheim's not just gonna roll over to this pretentious wave of fluffy cottontails- How do you intend to keep them out!?" Tyr would not watch the poor servant cleaning up the Goblin, even he had his limits. The next question was an easy one though and it would only require a few words to get his point across " If the Bunnies of the Empire wish to try once again to step on my toes then every business that serves food here in Helheim will have bunny stew on the menu." The King smiled and tilted his head towards the Gobbo "Let us remember that when you publish this interview, for if it is not the truth then the Bunny stew will have a sprinkling of Gobbo spice." He smirked leaning back into his chair " Now that is good mog." The goblin recoiled in his seat. Not as much as he would if the Gorgun was threatening him, but he still valued his life and was smart enough to realize that the king could do some lasting damage. "Alright, okay, point made, your highness. Let's talk about the Cabbala then... very reliable sources have informed the Goblin Gossip Network, that the Headmistress of the Cabbala Collage of Obscene Arts... YOUR MOTHER IN LAW... is also actually your, how should we put this... 'tutor'." He speaks to his assistant, "put that in quotes, tutor, it's innuendo and the readers need to know." Looking back at Tyr he adds, "she's, like, ten times your age.. I bet she has lots to teach you." Tyr would smile as his point was made, however when the next question was posed to him he let out a chuckle. He clicked his tongue, how would he play this, he decided on a direction which would no doubt cause ripples in the Cabbala and possibly some strife between the Headmistress and The Hound " I shall answer this question off the record." He leaned forward beckoning the Gobbo forward and would whisper to him " Oh she does have much to teach, so much in fact I believe it would turn that greenskin of yours pink." The King leaned back rolling his shoulders " Remember that was just between us." He knew the Gobbo would run and tell everyone, score one to the King. The goblin had the decency to look scandalized, grinning and nodding that he would ABSOLUTELY keep the king's secret. "Tell me now about the Seekers Consorts. Is it true that your own daughter is heading up a guild of high paid prostitutes? oh, sorry, consorts. How do you feel about that kind of sexual promiscuity from your own daughter? or was it your idea?" Tyr would nod, clearly the Goblin caught his drift. Though when the next question was poised the King would attempt to side step the Question " If this was true my little green friend, that would make me rather perverted, so perverted that perhaps that tight little green ass may get filled with royal seed." He leaned forward once more attempting to get right into the Gobbos ear " So do you really want to know the answer to that question." The goblin recoiled again, hopped off his chair and backed toward the door, "this is suppression! oppression!! You're behind Elf-ternative facts! I HAVE IMMUNITY!" He made a break for the door, his voice heard down the hall as he screamed, "JOURNALISTIC IMMUNITY!" Tyr would raise a brow as the little green one ran from the castle a loud chuckle could be heard from the King as he called after the Gobbo " I shall send word to the Gorgun of my interest of keeping you here in the castle for a few nights, safe paths my sexy little greenskin." Comments are closed.
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