As reported by GGN Goblin Gossip Network. The Multifarious Monthly Review makes no claims that the Goblin GOSSIP Network is a reliable news source. Articles are posted with minor edits for spelling and grammar but not reviewed for content. The Multifarious Monthly Review does not accept any financial burden that results in the GGN's reporting practices. It is with a heavy heart that the GGN reports the loss of another reporter. Snetchalina, who took over when Snetch Jr was brutally murdered by... someone... has been murdered by none other than the Jade Lotus Empire's former Empress. A woman who claims to be a gentle soul who would never hurt a fly. You heard it here first, friends, Tsuiteru has been feeding POISON COOKIES to the GGN goblins. Was she working alone or for a nefarious, unnamed, tyrant from the Cabbala that is out to get the GGN? In order to ensure journalistic integrity, we immortalized the exchange in the form of descriptive writing, beautifully captured by the assistant! . . . Snetchalina had cleaned up after the bloody battle - an impromptu Meatgrindah amongst Goblin reporters of the GGN to determine who would have the right to interview Tsuiteru, the former Empress of the Jade Lotus Emprire. Tsuiteru always put out cookies, it was known. Now, with her trusty secretary beside her, she was ready for the interview. She adjusted her pencil skirt and pulled a quill from the hair piled on top of her head and nodded to the individual who would announce her to the former Empress.
"Announcing, Snetchalina of the GGN," announced the announcer while Snetchalina's secretary considered investing in a thesaurus. Snetchalina stepped into the room and looked around, trying not to appear overwhelmed at what she saw. Tsuiteru had been more than delighted to indulge the goblins in their request for an interview. Certainly it couldn't be worse than the time she'd let the Imperial Herald corner her into an interview. She had spent all morning preparing, fully expecting a swarm of the small greenskins to appear at her doorstep, so had all sorts of goodies ready. It wouldn't be the first time she'd fed a lot of goblin bellies! As often as she threatened to chase them out of her yard, she was also always leaving out trays of cookies in her windowsill for them to 'steal'. Though woe to the few the dragon did manage to lure into her house, for those were aggressively grand-mothered into eating a proper meal ...and ... a bath. But, when she opened her door to see only two goblins, her eyes widened in surprise. She even poked her head outside of her door to make sure there weren't more of them hiding in the shrubs. The old dragon looked Snetchalina up and down, smiling kindly and reaching down to pinch the goblin's cheek. "Well. Aren't you adorable. Come, come, make yourself comfortable. Are you and your assistant hungry? I.. may have gone a little overboard with the food." Snetchalina endured the cheek pinching and didn't comment on the obvious surprise from the former Empress. The assistant, another beautiful goblin woman in a well fitted pencil skirt, spoke up on her own behalf despite it being quite out of the ordinary. "Very much, Miss Empress Dragon," she told the former Empress and then pushed her way in, shoving a few handfuls of nibbles and tasties into her mouth so she could have her hand free to write again. Snetchalina was only a step behind, doing much the same, cleaning off an entire plate of little eggs wrapped in some fancy, and tasty leaf, rudely not leaving any for her assistant. Next she moved on to a plate of cookies, only half way through she began to gag. Grasping at her throat, Snetchalina's mouth dropped open, half chewed food dropping out of her mouth while she ran between her assistant and the former Empress. She was clearly in distress but her assistant was too busy recording events to actually intervene. The dragon happily ushered them into the cottage, giving each goblin a motherly little pat on the head. Though she did tsk faintly when they both went to gobbling down food as fast as possible. "Whoah.. slow down. Chew. You're gonna.." And, it happened. She gasped and began chasing Snetchalina around the small room, reaching to grasp the reporter by the back of her shirt. "Oh goodness.." The dragon rumbled, smacking the goblin on the back, over, and over, and over again. "Come on.. spit it out. Spit it out." And this is exactly why she was always trying to drill some etiquette into every gobbo that visited! Snetchalina managed to keep just out of reach of the luck dragon for nearly a solid minute while her secretary recorded the ghastly escapades. As the lack of air made the reporter slow, Tsuiteru was able to catch up and begin pounding her on the back, but it was too late. The life drained out of the little goblins eyes and she collapsed to the floor. There was an almost comical stillness in the room as both the secretary and the former Empress stared in shock. Finally, the dashing secretary spoke up, "well... I suppose this means I must interview you. Just call me Snetcharella." Tsuiteru held onto the body of Snetchalina, looking horrified. How could this have happened? Why weren't the goblins being taught basic etiquette.. like chewing slowly, one small bite at a time? And now... what was she going to do?! Well, first, she knelt down, still cradling the goblin's body in one arm, and dragging her fingers over Snetchalina's eyes to close them. "We can't continue the interview. Your friend here just choked to death." In her house. On one of her cookies! She gingerly began cleaning the small creature's face. "This is terrible. Poor thing..I told her not to eat so quickly.." She mumbled, clearly upset over the death of a single goblin. "We will bury her properly, and then..." She paused. "..are the goblins of the GGN part of the Tusks? If not.. who is your superior? An accident like this should be reported." Damn proper dragon couldn't just hide the body and be done with it. Snetcharella was baffled by Tsuiteru's devastation. Life goes on, and Snetchalina had become one with the Primals. Probably. Or something like that. Now she was just a body... she should contribute to the pot at this point. "No, ma'am, the GGN is not affiliated with any particular organization, not even the Multifarious Monthly Review. We don't speak about our structure to outsiders, but I'll make sure this is reported." IN THE NEWSPAPER! A death like this, in the house of the former Empress of the Jade Lotus Empire?! THAT was going to SELL PAPERS and keep the board VERY happy. Snetcharella couldn't have planned it better if she'd tried. Being promoted to journalist in the same moment as getting the scoop of the century. "So... did you make those cookies yourself, ma'am?" she asked, trying to keep her tone light and innocent. She nodded her head, somewhat absently, as if only half paying attention to the reporter. Ohhh. This was bad. Very, very bad. "Hm. Oh.." The dragon rumbled in a more subdued tone as she laid the goblin's body on her coffee table. "..well, yes. It would have been rude not to have food prepared for guests. I have always loved cooking...and I have so much more free time these days..." She murmured, still seeming distracted as she rose to her feet and headed towards the back of the cozy cottage to an ornate looking cabinet. Pulling it open revealed various folded stacks of silk, fancy trinkets, and jeweled accessories. She fished out a single bolt of white silk, returning to the table where she delicately began to wrap Snetchalina's body. "So. No.. particular funeral rites? Any family or next of kin that I could notify? There must be someone I could give condolences to?" "Next of Kin?" asked Snetcharella, "oh gosh no. Goblins don't bequeath things to others. We all just swarm the body and take what we want and then add her to the pot so we don't starve. It is known." So much for funeral rites. She watched Tsuiteru wrapping the body and reached out to test the feel of the fabric between her fingers, assessing it's value. She was so making a dress out of that. Snethalina didn't need it anymore. As for the cookies... "so... I understand now. TELL ME THE TRUTH," she shouted, standing up on a chair to point an accusing finger, "YOU WORK FOR ████* OF THE CABBALA AND ARE HELPING TO SYSTEMATICALLY WIPE OUT ALL OF THE GGN!!" She barely took a breath before continuing, "well... JOKES ON YOU... Empress... when one of us goes down, THREE MORE RISE!! Like a mother-fucking Hydra!" * The Goblin Gossip Network has not published the name of Shyn of the Cabbala within this document. That censor bar is for an entirely different person in the Cabbala and not Shyn. No mention of Shyn has taken place in this article or any future articles. Tsuiteru let out a soft sigh of frustration and remorse. "Very well then. Seems... insensitive, but if it is your ways, I will respect it." The dragon began to sit down, her expression one of guilt, misery, and... puzzlement. She was a luck dragon, and this had to be the worst possible thing that could have happened for an interview. Sure, sometimes her luck flipped the wrong way as a matter of balance but why did it have to be now?! She remained silent and thoughtful, for the moment not a suitable subject to interview until Snetcheralla hopped up onto her furniture and started shouting at her. Wow. Rude. Slowly, and deliberately, the dragon pushed herself back to her feet. Her remorseful gaze turned stern as she approached the reporter. The old dragon leaned down, putting her face almost nose-to-nose with the goblin. "I will not condone rudeness in my house. Do not, raise your voice to me, and do not stand on my furniture. If I have to scold you again, I will put you over my knee like an unruly child. Understand?" Oh no. She was using her disappointed grandmother voice, though moments after her warning, her tone softened. "Now. Tell me, what do you actually know of me and my reputation, hm?" Snetcharella continued to point an accusing finger, answering in a husky stage whisper, "I... know... EVERYTHING," she claimed. "You want to bury the truth. You're not even a REAL Luck Dragon! Else how could THIS happen in your house?!" It didn't matter that Snetcharella had been granted a huge dollop of GOOD luck... Snetchalina had an even larger dollop of BAD luck. "That's because... YOU ARE NOT THE REAL TSUITERU! You... are... an... IMPOSTER!" She hesitated and added, "an imposter noodle dragon... an IMPASTA!" There. She'd said it. Her predecessor had interviewed Empress Koharu and came to the same conclusion, it wasn't that far of a stretch (for a goblin anyway). "WHO ARE YOU REALLY?! I bet... I bet you're actually an agent of HELHEIM. Maybe one of their secret society of assassins and ne'er-do-wells!!" She was on a roll and showed no sign of stopping. The dragon took a deep calming breath. Her emotions were already frazzled from having a poor goblin choke to death on one of her cookies right in her own home. She would NOT lash out in anger. No, she would be calm, composed, regal even as she snatched for the back of the mouthy goblin's neck once Snetcharella had finished her outburst. Because.. it would have been rude to interrupt. Now, in her current form, Tsuiteru appeared dainty, almost fragile, but that was far from the truth. She was still a dragon, and throwing a small goblin over her lap shouldn't be too much of a problem! She'd then unleash a flurry of sharp swats against the goblin's backside. "What did I say about being rude in my house? I do not abide poor manners. You will be polite. You will mind your manners. Got it?" Well, she had warned the goblin she would spank her if she misbehaved again, and shouting accusations at her about being an imposter definitely fit the requirements. She'd set the reporter back on her feet, and even offer a bit of cloth to dry her eyes if the ordeal had been a bit too much. Tsuiteru was a stickler for etiquette and manners, but she was still a big old soft-hearted dragon over-all. "Now.." She murmured in a moor soothing voice, taking the goblin into her arms for a more comforting, motherly hug. ".. lets start over, shall we?" Snetcharella kicked and screamed as the ancient noodle dragon tanned her backside and the moment Tsuiteru tried to envelope her in a motherly hug the goblin bolted for the door. "OPPRESSION! SUPPRESSION! CENSORSHIP!!" she screamed, her voice fading as she ran farther and farther away. "THE PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW!!" Apparently, the interview was over! Comments are closed.
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